Crumbs from your table

Its hard to imagine the guilt I feel right now. Its really hard to say just how much I have. Would it fill a pint glass? Would it perhaps fill something more the lines of a pitcher? Not really sure. I hate this feeling. I hate it.

If only i could feel something. If only my body would respond. If only my mind would follow along with the natural.. normal feelings of his touch.

Instead i feel cold inside. I dont feel anything. I even try to get my mind psyched up into it..

come on you can do it.. just a little bit of feeling. Show me something. Come on now. See he is kissing you, trying to show you love, trying to love you. Come one. Just soften a little bit.

But nothing. I feel nothing.

I ate like a complete hog today. My size 12 pants are barely holding me in. Its sunday night.. And soon we are off to dinner. More food, more drink.. more dessert. more feeling ugly, more feeling fat. Specially since the hostess of the dinner is a skinny little thing. ANd so is everyone else gonnabe there. Sept for me.

I know I should start my diet tomorrow.

Every time I look at myself I just think of how disgusting I feel and look..look and feel. I look like compete shit. I feel fatter than i ever have been. I must be pushing 170 pounds again. I gotta be. Disgusting.

I'm just a big bag of disgusting.