Lost

Had a lovely chat with rian last night(thursday night), had to much to drink and tspend a lovly evening with a little plastic pail, which turned into a even better morning again with said pail. So it kept me on the couch for a good part of the day, watching tv. Which is something I dont usually do.

But wait it gets better. In my weaked state both emotionally and physically, I was flipping thru the channels and came across this cartoon. The bernstein bears. They were having a jump rope compitition. And the mama bear says to the little girl bear, "As long as you try your best, your still a winner" and really I just lost it and this time it didnt involved the pail. I just sat on the couch and cried.

So i guess it takes a 2 beers, 2 gin and tonics, a triple shot of whiskey, yakking all night long and a damn kids cartoon to finally realize something. Gosh its hard to even type this without getting all emotional again. Its exactly what I needed to hear. I am sure I had heard it a thousand times. But I think i needed to be at my lowest for it to finally sink into to this damn head of mine.

But wait.. theres more.

More tv. Watching this show on the travel channel, its pseudo reality show thingy, like a Cruise to Lose show. 10 overweight people and they show them excercises and teach them how to eat right..blah blah blah. ANyway at the end of the show they ask these 10 people what thier life goals are and this one girl says, "To tell myself that I'm beautiful as soon as I get up in the morning"

Again the waterworks start. So last night was great even tho I felt like utter crap all day, it finally got me to thinking about my health, both physically and mentally.

Funny how life is.

So originally I made my new sig line to refleft the drinks I had last night, they went down, then came back up. But its not the only thing, thats gonna come back up. Its gonna take time. But I'm gonna get up again.

Settle for nothing

I havent felt this pitiful in quite some time. Therapy is on monday.

I can almost guess she is going to want to put me back on medications, which I so SO SO do not want to go back to.

But this is really starting to cripple me. Today has been the worst so far. My head just feels all sorts of funky, like a hazyness.

I was telling my husband and some folks on another message board yesterday that I dont even want to bother going back to the gym, sign up for other races or do anything. So I know there is something wrong here.

I know I have to go to the gym, but right now, try as I might i cant even wrap my brain around it.

This nonstop rain isnt helping me either (yes i know its seattle, but there is usually a dry day here or there), but what would I know about dry, i only leave the house to go to the grocery store, otherwise I dont even want to go out.

gah. I just dont know what to do anymore, and the worst thing is I dont even know what I want to do. I keep looking at things as though they were pointless, like its pointless for me to go to the gym, cause I went to the gym all last year and i'm even fatter than I was last year. My twisted logic is interfering with reality.

Its like i can barely keep my eyes open, and i slept pretty decent last night.

I just want to feel better again. I was doing so good towards the end of last year. Today, is just crawl in bed and be miserable.