just like you imagined

I was just laying down for a second to take a nap and I thought of something. You see I'm quite good at that the thinking instead of sleeping.

I remember something from "the letter" he wrote to me. So I hopped on out of bed and looked it over. Sure thing it was right there in black and white.

"I'm not looking to get into another relationship very soon...."

But yet here he is getting into a new relationship... sure its not a relationship in every sense of the word, but its a person(friend) he is having sex and "comforting" with and with sex comes lots of emotions. So not even a month after that letter was written (and perhaps even before that, since i'm not at liberty to learn all the details of this new person in his life, in order not to "hurt me more"). So he's in a new relationship, wether he thinks he is one or not..

Seems weird to me, he says he is having all these troubles figuring himself out, wanting to figure out his own place in the universe, figure out what his needs are mentally and whatever else. That he needs lots of alone time and doesnt want to complicate this process with interactions, yet here he goes throwing someones elses emotions and baggage into the mental stew that he's in. Comforting he says...

Comforting.

Today on my walk to fred meyer to pickup some needed supplies. I thought about love and my history with it.

I've had a number of relationships with men in my day. Some short relationships, some middle of the road and a couple lenghty ones. This marriage, being my longest one. So I got to wondering, about love. Throughout those early years before my marriage, was I ever in love with any of those guys? Or was my depression still holding me behind a cloud, a wall or some other force that kept me from feeling what I've always wanted to feel towards someone. Sure I had the heartbreak when they all broke it off with me. But its never felt like this before.

Am I in love with Glenn? I think I am. But I guess what i'm wondering to myself is I only came out from behind the depression wall only a few months ago. I never really had very much time to experience this new sense of love with Glenn, because he was already on the road to resentment towards me, he was already drafting the letter, my walking papers, the boot to the head(figurtivly, not literally). So right when I was finally able to love him and show him. ahh..fuck it

Anyway.. I guess what I'm trying to get at is; have I ever known love. Real love?

I also want to know where my "comforting" is. Or maybe I'm just a person who likes to think our her problems on her own, thats how I got thru my depression (well, with the help of a therapist). But all the work to find my way out was all me. I guess I'm not a person to jump into the arms of another to find comfort.

Glenn told me he loved me first in our relationship.. it was a couple months I believe. Me, still gun shy of saying something like that to someone after my last fiasco of a relationship, took a while longer to say those three little words back to him.

I wonder, when he will be saying those three little words to his "comforter".

Gosh this was a really bitter and long blog entry today. But its better in black in white instead of keeping me up at night. It eases some of the pain. Perhaps my comforter is writing all of this down. However, at the end of it all, I really do, I really want to feel the love(this new love, this undepression love) with him again, I want to feel that trust and companionship again. But it will take lots of time.

Moving on.. tonight i'm going out dancing. And tomorrow starts another work week. I hung some pictures up today as well as my new shower curtain. Oh! and i also got a gift today! I got some new silverware from my friend Ivy. So thank you Ivy! It made my day.

Lovers are Crazy

Just polished off my midnight snack. I didnt have anything to eat at the bar tonight. Althought the steak quesadilla was calling my name.

Today I did something, out of my ordinary. I wrote to someone on craigslist personal ad. he wrote me back, eventually I wrote him back. A response hasnt come back in. Maybe, I dont fit what he is looking for. Oh well. No harm no foul I guess.

Lovers are crazy. Love is pretty crazy to. There are so many people I love in this world.

However, I dont love the guy at the bar that asked ME to buy him a drink. Sorry, I dont play that poor fisherman routine.

Love is weird. And lovers are weirder. Music played today that rang in my ears, emotions I was feeling, him reachign out to me and me to blinded by my depression to see it. Music that rang with emotions I could of only wish to have had to avoid all of this. Emotions I have 1 to many of now.

I enjoyed my little night out however, and tomorrow night i'm gonna go dancing at some fundraiser for a local theme camp. It was just 2 drinks out at the bar. Just 6+2.

damn.. I want him. Its now when it hits, and the lonelyness of the situation hurts themost.
I heard at the bar, so where is your husband, I never answered that question, as He (the fisherman) just wanted a free drink fromme anyway.

Did i mention how much Im craving all I cant have.
This candy store better open soon.

Trippin' on a hole in a paper heart

Just got home.
From his house.
From drinks out with him
From learning he had sex with another woman. (sometime in the past two weeks)
From having sex with him anyway.
From learning that friends think we are being to "chummy".

Where does that leave me now? I dont know. He wants us to be friends. I want us to be friends.
He has already moved on.
I havent.
Nor do I think I will.

the sex was great tonight. Its times like this that I can feel, what I've always wanted to feel, well 'cept for the dagger in my heart. But at least I know what sex is supposed to feel like.
He told me he was protected when he had sex with her. I dont know much about her, cept that she was thinner than me. But at one point I got really angry and he reached out to me and I was a little .. ok a lot angry. And I may of been a rough in venting my anger... still that didnt stop him from...

What got me at the end.. what when I was realizing that I was kissing him with love and he was just kissing me. But really, what can I say, I'm still in love, he turns me on so much now. I've never had emotions like this or should i say I've not had them for long. I'm still trying to figure out how to understand them and "control" them. But when I'm around him, thats usually out the window..
HA fat bottom girls is playing now. Just like me.

I told him tonight that I predicted all this. ANd that I couldnt do anything to stop it,that I had no control to stop it.

I also told him I predicted us back together again.

fat bottom girls you make the rockin world go round.
anyway, my thoughts are a mess. My husbands slept with someone else already and he said it should of happened months ago. Oh and its a friend of a friend, so its gotta be someone from work. Oh and she is separated too.

gah. I should go to bed and try to stop thinking about it. ya like that will happen.

I just want to love him like I've always wanted to and I've never been given the chance to.

eta: one cool thing tonight is that we found 50$ on the floor of the bar and we bought our drinks and snacks that way.

Tomorrow is today

Months ago, i predicted all of this. Months ago I said that my lack of interest in sex, my constant depression was going to ruin my marriage. I was powerless to stop it at the time. But I knew then that if the marriage failed, it was because of the stuff I couldnt do.

Do I think its all my fault. No. I dont dont. Do I think we both have faults in this situation. Yes. But I know a long time ago, that this was going to happen. I didnt want it to happen. Hell does anyone ever want thier marriages to fail?

But the fact that I couldnt do anything to stop it. But.. perhaps thats wrong. I was doing something to stop it. I was going to therapy, I was healing myself. I just didnt do it fast enough. If only the mind works faster.

But here it is.. today. I'm dressed for work. I'm still a happy person. I'm lonley but happy. And when I had on my work clothes and looked at myself in the mirror. I liked what I saw. I feel good. But gotta run.. my 12-9 shift starts soon!

But... still I miss his company. I miss everything about the love and the marriage.
And to think, if this wasnt the situation, he would have everything he wanted and then some. I am finally who I want to be, but still growing and still learning about myself.

really gotta run now.

Pretty Angry

And we packed up all your boxes
It's all been hauled away
I never stare at walls so bare
'Cause something always stays
Yeah something of you stays

This morning, it all got to me again. The sense of the on-my-own ness. The almost incurable feeling that I will never have anyone to help me in lifes daily challenges. I sat here at my desk weeping tears of frustration. Like a flood it just over took me, I couldnt take anymore. Again another obstacle came in front of me, and again I had to figure out HOW i was going to do this on my own without outside help.

I was so angry. Angry that I'm having so many problems with this move. I'm angry that i'm taking on so many inconvienences. Sure you have no pots and pans, but all of your life hasnt been disrupted. All of your life hasnt been moved 2 blocks. All of your life is still residing in that warm home. A home that had our friends over. A home that we shared so much love.

I dont have a home any longer. I have an apartment, that still has boxes on the floor, only 1 print on the wall, 2 empty shelves in my bookcase and only 1 pillow on our bed.

Yea, I'm angry. I have a noisy neighbor above me. Yes I'm angry that my life has been completly disrupted for the past month. I'm really angry.

And this morning when those tears came out it was all because of my frustration with this situation. This never ending amount of obstacles, just when I figured I've cleared them all.. another comes up to throw me down again.

But today I got up, I got over that most recent burm. I had a fablous day at work. I worked hard, I worked happy. And it was all me.

Had my dinner, alone, dessert, alone, and drinks, alone. And in a few, I will take my medication to sleep, alone. And tomorrow when I get up, alone, there will still be hope in my heart and a smile within me.

Ever So Lonly

He kissed me, lightly at first but then a bit stronger. Glenn in my arms, at my side. Kissed for a while, til I woke up.

I tried and tried to go back to my dream, the dream where he loves me still. The dream that where there are second chances. I gave him one many years ago. I guess that only works one way.

Still too soon to tell. Been a little over 24 hours now since i've seen him last. He said he may go up to vancouver with our friend bill, this weekend for the holiday. Me i'm just going to go to work.

My house is still untogether. My house still doesnt have 3 pronged outlets.
My house only got 3 hours of sleep last night. My house still cant find the medication that helps me sleep at night. Its packed in a box, as with most of my life and heart.

Live a Long Time

As we were packign up my computer tonight after I shut it all down, glenn turned up his computer as it played fleetwood mac's "Go your own way". I looked over at him as he turned it up and he just went "what" I was like seems like an odd song to play right now.

We went to dinner together at the lockspot (i bought), after we had set up my computer at my new place.

Its too quiet. I keep wanting to turn the music up louder and louder, but i dont think my neighbors would appreciate the extra noise. Its just so nice to have commercial free music again. WOO no more radio for me!

But its too quiet. No one to bounce ideas off of. No one to go hey, check this out. No one to just give a random hug, kiss or fondle too.

my mouth feels garlicy.
and I'm really going to have to find a less opprssive place for my(ivy's) mannequin. She is currently standing over my computers. Her amber red curls accentated by the pale woven cowboy hat. She does have quite the big hands for a girl however.

Somehow this all seems so weird. I used to sit at home all the time with no one to talk to without an issue... now it just feels cold sterile and lonely.

My music sounds different in here. Its not as vivid. But maybe its just my mind playing tricks on me.

I feel uncomfortable in the silence. In the lonelyness. To know that 'cept for laundry I have no reason to go to "our" house.

What will this teach me? what will this lesson in love show me? I dont know those answers yet.

Get a Life

"Time to get a life" says the queensryche singer. I guess it is.

Went out for margaritas and tears last night. Not very many tears mind you but there were some.

In the back of my head I just keep thinking, Here i am.. alive, in love, happy with myself and who I've become... this should be the best time for me. And it isnt cause I've no one to share with. Before a couple months ago, I didnt like sex at all it was nothing but a chore. And i could never combine sex=love, now I see how they fit together, I now see how they are one in the same. And still here i am, and soon to be very alone.

No one really knows whats going to go on during the next year. But I know that I feel like I will never trust or love anyone again. I wont say ever again, ever is a long time.

Is it possible that after our separation, Glenn and I will be a couple again. I say anything is possible.
Is it possible that after our separation Glenn and I will not be a couple? Anything is possible.

I know in my heart I was meant to be with him.

But if I'm not, how will I love again. How will I trust anyone with my heart again?
I met Glenn after a very awful breakup with so many lies and pain. Glenn showed me that there didnt have to be lies to be in love, there didnt have to be the pain (until now that is). But he made me feel something else that I had never felt before. Trust.

Will I be able to trust someone again? Will I be able to trust Glenn again?
How many heartbreaks does it take? How many does it take for your heart to solidify to to stone. (yea that sounds cheesy doesnt it)

On our way home last night I said that relationships are like busses and bus stops. Sometimes they run on time, sometimes they are really late, and sometimes the driver will just pass you by, thinking that your some drunk homeless person sleeping in the shelter.

Grow Old with Me

Today is a day off. I was doing some sorting and tossing. I have a little white cabinet that I need to clear out so I can make room for socks and other things that dont fit into my dresser.

IN said little white cabinet, was wedding stuff, cards people sent us, and other little momento's that were destined to become part of a wedding album/scrapbook thing. Something else that never got finished.

Then in moving some other boxes around and trying to emtpy some things. I found cards and notes he had sent me, when we were still dating (in separate cities). Cards from our first anniversary, valentines day, and birthdays. I wonder where that man went. I wonder where is the man who wrote "yours forever" and "your kisses are sweeter than candy".

Does he still exist the man that wrote those things to me? I dont know. Do I hope he can exist again? With all my heart, I do.

In apartment news, I hung up my first poster/print thing.
In health news, my tooth is currently killing me and I have yet another dental appointment at 1pm today.
My left foot is still quite swollen so i'm spending most of my day sitting.

I went to the bar last night. I got some chicken fingers and 2 gin & tonics. I started talking to this guy about victora and for the life of me I couldnt remember the brewery Glenn and I love up there. The guy offered to buy me a drink, but i was exhausted and just hurt all over so I politely declined.

I came to the house around 9something am and he was still in bed. I had to leave, cause every part of me wanted to climb in bed with him and just be warm in his arms. But I know that i would probably just have started to cry. When memories of love is all you have its hard to accept this current situation.

Also the sting of what he said to me a few days ago, is still haunting me a bit. His words really hurt me, those words he cant remember saying. I remember them, just as I remember the love.

Open

Work was frustrating today. (seems familar doesnt it)
OOf. fuckin a.
Its too soon to be this frustrated with my job. I love lots of it. but Hate so much more of it.

I'm at the house trying to determine where i should take myself to dinner. I am craving something healthy (ish) all i've had in the past few weeks is sausage, burritos, and other crap. Only vegetable i've seen is lettuce and tomatos.

I need something healthy to eat. My body is broken. It just feels broken. My feet are killing me, my back is killing me, and my head, well its killing me.

As well as my fuckin crown that I think was made wrong.
Honestly I'm not this bitter all the time. Just my enviorment isnt very healthy right now and its spreading throughout the rest of the stuff in my life. My health and my mental state caused by this move is affecting my body in ways I dont need it to. I'm thinking the crap that I'm eating isnt helping either. I actually remembered to take a multi vitamin today.

I need something good to happen soon. Some little ray of light (not to be all madonna there) but something to show me that all this misery i'm currently in will pass. I know its soon. I know I just moved in and I cant expect a miracle, but i'm just hoping for something to happen thats positive. I thought about going into my work tomorrow to get some reiki done as well as a body wrap in the hopes that if I care for my body a bit then I will feel better. thats still undecided if I will or not. I think i'm just gonna want to sleep for most of tomorrow. Or maybe just take myself to the local bar and drink all day, by myself or with one of the local fishermen.

Its gonna get better I know it. I just wish IT would hurry its ass up.

(not sure if i said this in an earlier post, but all the titles of my posts are named after the song i'm currently listening to as I start the post) I've always found music to sooth me, some soothes more than other, and some music just makes me want to hurt someone. Not naming names.

Like I do

Work was frustrating today.
However, i did get to go to fred meyer with glenn tonight. I got some needed supplies.
I'm heading back to the house soon cause i'm so tired. To tired to even type right.

I slept only about 4 hours last night due to various issues. So i feel like the walking dead in more ways than one.

I miss him. I really do. And I still love him too. It was fun shopping with him in some weird ways tonight.

They had a really icky table at fred meyer for 70$ but I decided not to get it. It was really disgusting and cracked, and well just plain icky.

I hope to find tables soon so i can get to sewing and other things.
Added new things to the refrigerator... woo! Emptied 3-4 boxes this morning. Progress is being made, slightly. I think on my day off i will hang the pictures/art. I think then it will start looking like an apartment instead of a room of boxes and crap on the floor.

Did i mention how much i miss him. Ok the room is spinning..and shaking i think. I need sleep.

Going Home

What is this..day 3?
Learned today there are no 3 pronged outlets in the livign room. Those come in mighty handy when trying to plug in a microwave and eventually a computer.

Which I still dont know when I'm going to get to move over there. I have no internet over there. SO i'm just out of contact.

I keep finding so many little things i'm missing, sponges and dish soap for example.
And the spiders.. so many fuckin spiders.

I swear I say fuck in that place to many times to count. The fuckin cabinet in the bathroom is too small for any of my hair products. So pretty much its a waste of space for a real cabinet. Oh and there is no counters in the bathroom, so Its a bit of a challenge to do make up with it sitting on the side of the sink.

Glenn doesnt remember all the nasty things he said to me the other night. I asked him as we were walking home from dinner last night.

Work was eh today. I messed up setting up an appointment, but I have a reason, the person and her friends were all so drunk and they kept interrupting me as I was trying to get it all in and I wound up scheduling it for the wrong person. I called and apologized and I hope it all works out. Blah

This new place is just so frustrating. SOOO frustrating. I want to get stuff done and put away, but I'm stuck at a standstill cause I dont have everythign i need.

OOOh.. gotta remember my shower puff. Not having it made for an interesting shower this morning. Which btw was my first ever shower in my new place.

I need dinner still, I can head home and have a lovely bagel with peanut butter. Or maybe a bagel with swiss and a side of canned corn. That folks there is disgust. Disgust with my situation. I'm beat from work, and I should head to the grocery store for little things like.. oh milk, butter, condiments besides bbq sauce. I keep hoping the moving fairys will come by and put everythign away for me.

Well i better grab what I can and get out of here before glenn comes home. I told him I would stop by after work to check my email, thats probably why he isnt here.

its gotta get better right? I just wonder how long. How long does it take for a household to start up from scatch?

Better get.

Casualty

Glenn got a new couch today and a lamp from Ikea.
He shops at ikea..

The stuff i need? wont come from Ikea.

I'm feeling lots of anger right now. bitter and hurtful anger.
Whose the casualty? We both are right now. Anger in each direction.

crap, just remembered i need to pack silverware.
that one steak knife will only get me so far.

I wish this wasnt as painful as it is. I wish the anger wasnt there.. I wish there were no casualties.
I wish i could write more, but stuff needs to get done.

Deadweight on Velvateen

2nd night went pretty much as the first. Rushed home after work, er..to the "original" house, tossed some clothes in the washer. Packed some towels and a few other things into bags, had a small sandwich for dinner and then rushed off into the night. To the new place.

Put my 2nd and 3rd items into the refrigerator.. bagels and cheese. I've got a whopping 3 things in my fridge right now. BBQ sauce, swiss cheese and 5 bagels. It was 6 last night however, as the bagel became breakfast. Shuffled stuff around so I could plug in the toaster oven. Took out my only knife (a steak knife at that) and spread some peanut butter on it.

I did a little unpacking this morning, not very much as I dont really have everything i need.

Cept bugs. LOTS of fuckin bugs. I've killed 3 large bugs and 1 small one in a bombing mission in the bathroom.

I'm beat. I'm not sleeping well and when I do my dreams are often running me ragged or giving me anxiety. Its gotta get out some how, unfortunatly for me its keeping me up at night.

I better get back to packing the boys are coming over to help me move my dresser. I also need clothes and hangers and and and and and and.. everything else that I'm missing.

I wonder when I will feel "normal" when waking up in a cold bedroom wont make me think about everything i've lost.

I wish I never saw the Sunshine

1st night in my new place.
Well what is expected here. I dont know.
Everything is in boxes, boxes on boxes, boxes near boxes.

Glenn was a real pill last night as we headed back from dinner.

The itty bitty kitchen wont even fit a mixing bowl in the cabinets.

The bed is disassembled and sitting in the middle of the bedroom. When I got "home" last night I flopped the mattress on top of the box spring, right where it sat. Tossed a sheet on it. And went to bed.

So i started putting stuff away this morning. And realizing just how much stuff I still dont have over there. I want to put something away, but cant until more furniture moves over there.

No idea when I'm going to get internet over there. So writing from the house.
I feel very choppy and sporadic right now. Just not really fluid.

I slept ok I guess. Woke up a few times not really knowing where i was. During the night I had to use the bathroom and it was so dark in my bedroom I had to fumble and stumble to the door.

I think I will feel a bit better when the bed is set up and there is some stuff on the walls. But right now its just a cluttered mess, much like this post is.

But I didnt cry when I walked away from the house last night.
I didnt cry when I turned out the light in my new bedroom.
I didnt cry when I woke up not knowing where anything was.

The pain is still in there. But right now there is a priorty for normalcy and some desire for order.

Sleep to Dream

My last night to sleep to dream in this house. More than likely I will be sleeping in my new apartment tomorrow.

How am I spending my last night in my home that we created? I'm drinking alone. I'm playing mahjong. I'm hitting f5 countless times on various pages. I'm wasting time... time that could be better used. Time that is slipping thru my fingers like fine sand. Nectar in a sieve.

Its at some point during the night the pain overtakes all of my efforts to drown it. Kill it, suffocate it. For if the pain cant breath it cant live inside me. But perhaps I'm doing myself a disservice. Perhaps the pain needs to get out.

Perhaps I'll wake up with my eyes sealed shut.
My last night here and a comment that I shouldnt be sentimental. Sorry, thats not going to happen. I'm still a girl.

My drink is empty and I'm heading to bed to cry some more. I'm just so scared.
Lydia is coming to help me pack up more stuff tomorrow.

Did I mention i'm scared. I just feel so lost. So alone with no one to run to in the middle of the night when my dreams turn to nightmares.. oh thats right its already a nightmare. Who do people run to when they are alone? Who holds them when they dream dreams that only exist in thier minds.

Its almost 1am. And in some fit of desperation, I'm still awake, even though my eyes are heavy with tears and sleep. Cause I know when I wake up tomorrow will start and when tomorrow comes I wont live here anymore. Fine, call me senimental. I dont care. But it was in this house that I finally realized who I am, what I am and what I can do. And my time is over. I dont want it to be over. I want to stay and bitch about the paint peeling deck, the annoying blinking rave like light in the freezer, and the musician next door that has never learned a new song.

Falling into grace

13 minutes til lease signing.
we sat on the couch together last night watching Batman begins.

He told his mother yesterday about whats going on. She has 2 divorces under her belt so from his retelling of the conversation, she seemed unaffected. Which puzzled me greatly.

However, blood thicker than water deal-e-o? Who the fuck knows.

11 minutes til lease signing.

I told him that I felt like I'm the only person in the world who is hoping that this will all work out and we get back together at the end of our separation. I told him I felt like a lit tea light candle stuck in the middle of a cavern. Just a little light.

9 minutes til lease signing.

I cried to sleep last night. After thinking that after tomorrow, i'll be sleeping somewhere else. That the room which has been our room for so long, became my room for a little while is now going to not be mine or ours at all.

Bringing the digi to take pictures of the place empty.
I'm scared.

7 minutes.

Ain't no Good

So a lot has happened since january.
I've managed to become no longer depressed or have depression. However you want to call it.
I still have a few issues with insecurity and body image but at least one monkey is off my back.
However, with the good also comes the bad. Glenn has asked/told me to move out. Seems living with someone for over 5 years with depression doesnt do to good for ones psyche and he had had enough. So we are seperating for 1 year.

So today I sign the lease for my new place. And thus this journal will take on a whole new turn. I'm also opening it up for comments and for others to read. SO.. just letting you know.. all the journal entries below this one are from a person that doesnt exist any longer. The depressed me is gone and I will read back of those entries and wonder why I would ever write something like that.

Anyway.. this journal will be a place for me to write about going from what I thought was a happy and stable married life, to a single life, surviving paycheck to paycheck all on my own. Glenn has given me money to support myself. But I'm hoping that I wont need it beyond the stuff to get my apartment and services set up.

Today I get my keys and start the moving process. Should be an interesting day.