just like you imagined

I was just laying down for a second to take a nap and I thought of something. You see I'm quite good at that the thinking instead of sleeping.

I remember something from "the letter" he wrote to me. So I hopped on out of bed and looked it over. Sure thing it was right there in black and white.

"I'm not looking to get into another relationship very soon...."

But yet here he is getting into a new relationship... sure its not a relationship in every sense of the word, but its a person(friend) he is having sex and "comforting" with and with sex comes lots of emotions. So not even a month after that letter was written (and perhaps even before that, since i'm not at liberty to learn all the details of this new person in his life, in order not to "hurt me more"). So he's in a new relationship, wether he thinks he is one or not..

Seems weird to me, he says he is having all these troubles figuring himself out, wanting to figure out his own place in the universe, figure out what his needs are mentally and whatever else. That he needs lots of alone time and doesnt want to complicate this process with interactions, yet here he goes throwing someones elses emotions and baggage into the mental stew that he's in. Comforting he says...

Comforting.

Today on my walk to fred meyer to pickup some needed supplies. I thought about love and my history with it.

I've had a number of relationships with men in my day. Some short relationships, some middle of the road and a couple lenghty ones. This marriage, being my longest one. So I got to wondering, about love. Throughout those early years before my marriage, was I ever in love with any of those guys? Or was my depression still holding me behind a cloud, a wall or some other force that kept me from feeling what I've always wanted to feel towards someone. Sure I had the heartbreak when they all broke it off with me. But its never felt like this before.

Am I in love with Glenn? I think I am. But I guess what i'm wondering to myself is I only came out from behind the depression wall only a few months ago. I never really had very much time to experience this new sense of love with Glenn, because he was already on the road to resentment towards me, he was already drafting the letter, my walking papers, the boot to the head(figurtivly, not literally). So right when I was finally able to love him and show him. ahh..fuck it

Anyway.. I guess what I'm trying to get at is; have I ever known love. Real love?

I also want to know where my "comforting" is. Or maybe I'm just a person who likes to think our her problems on her own, thats how I got thru my depression (well, with the help of a therapist). But all the work to find my way out was all me. I guess I'm not a person to jump into the arms of another to find comfort.

Glenn told me he loved me first in our relationship.. it was a couple months I believe. Me, still gun shy of saying something like that to someone after my last fiasco of a relationship, took a while longer to say those three little words back to him.

I wonder, when he will be saying those three little words to his "comforter".

Gosh this was a really bitter and long blog entry today. But its better in black in white instead of keeping me up at night. It eases some of the pain. Perhaps my comforter is writing all of this down. However, at the end of it all, I really do, I really want to feel the love(this new love, this undepression love) with him again, I want to feel that trust and companionship again. But it will take lots of time.

Moving on.. tonight i'm going out dancing. And tomorrow starts another work week. I hung some pictures up today as well as my new shower curtain. Oh! and i also got a gift today! I got some new silverware from my friend Ivy. So thank you Ivy! It made my day.