Slow Like Honey

Is kind of how I feel like I'm moving towards healing. No one said this was going to be easy. Love isnt a switch you can just turn off.

My therapist said that in some way Glenn will always be part of my life, even if he isnt apart of my life anymore. Its a lot to think about. The memories of our life together will always be with me. Photographs and momentos, are one thing but the memories that fused themself to my soul and psyche arent going anywhere.

Today was a decent day (in that short time I was gone from the apartment) I found a little yard sale and I bought something with my remaining monies. I got a Ballard baseball shirt for 1.50. After I got done reading a chapter in the book I set out to remove the little league patch from the side of the sleeve. Why I got that shirt, It had the number 34 on the back. I turn 34 next month. Maybe my coworkers will do something for me.

I thought about my year 33, I overcame a huge obstacle in my life. Something that was really holding me back emotionally and physically. But, today I'm happy. I'm miserable, but as a person and as a whole I'm happy with who I am and where I am.

So many thoughts fill this head of mine, and its just easy to write them all down. I was realizing whats missing in my life, well love, but its more than that. Its all the sensory stuff that comes with love. Smell, touch, taste, sight and sound, its all of those of his presense thats missing. I'm a very sensory person and thats no longer in my life and I think thats one of my new obstacles I have to get past
When I went into the house today I noticed it smelled different.

Then we get to the distractions. All those dates, (all 3 of those dates) were just distractions to how I was feeling. Music is a distraction and now that I'm finding myself engrossed in this book, it too is a distraction from what I'm currently feeling. I keep trying to distract myself from how I'm feeling as if I dont want to feel it. Well, I dont want to feel it. But I know soon I'm going to have to force myself to really come to terms with it and there wont be any more distractions to keep me from it. I just hope at the end of the crash that I know is coming that I can learn from the strenght I've gained over the years and get myself up again. I know I will... its just how badly will my heart be damaged at the end of it.

Something keeps me going though, something keeps my hopes up, something keeps me moving. I'm still hopefull that this will all work out. Its just something I just have to do.

Narc

My debit card didnt come in. So my plans to walk to the park have to be scrapped. i was going to bring a bunch of stuff from the store to snack on and a blanket and book. I may still walk to a different park, but I'll only bring water with me.

I'm fucked cause I hate using checks. I've got a whopping 20.76 left in cash. And thats gotta last me til monday now, maybe it will come in tomorrow. I hope I hope.

I had to go to the house to do some more laundry today, I forgot about all my drycleaning stuff that I just use those drycleaning sheets. I miss that house. Its strange to be surrounded by its comfortable surroundings that used to be all ours. Now its just strange and bizarre. The stuff is still the same, but theres just something odd about it all. There is a weird presense in the air or something kooky like that. I cant put a finger on it, but its just uneasy.

Which sucks, since I'm not comfortable in my shitty little apartment and I'm not comfortable in my old home anymore.

I do have to confess I so wanted to just strip and slide into his bed and just sleep the rest of the day away. But since I'm writing this here..that didnt happen. I grabbed my laundry and left.

This almost silence with him has been very odd. At times I feel so strong, healing, powerful and growing and at other times I'm still just the weepy hurting mess.

My therapist said that I have to find something to do with myself on the 4th of july since it holds so many good memories for me. She said it would be best if i was out and distracted some how so I didnt sit in my apartment all night alone. I hope I find something to do.

And crap.. I forgot to grab some allergy stuff.

She Looks To Me

Out of the various things that I wanted to happen on my weekend. So far, laundry was the only thing that has gotten accomplished.

I am "getting" out and enjoying the sunny weather seattle is having today by sitting in my apartment, with the blinds and door open. Listening to some new music of stuff I just encoded. Also getting some reading done of a book I borrowed from Glenn. Its that kind of day, I dont really want to be at the computer and dont really have any money to go out and do anything outside.

So reading and new tunes is making me happy.
One of the things I'm listening to is one of glenns birthday presents, its called Burning for Buddy -A tribute to Buddy Rich. Some amazing music on here. I'm laying on the couch reading about neil peart's travels and I just have to stop and listen to the music as it plays and just be in awe of the talent on this disc.

Its days like today I love seattle, without even seeing to much of it. I also love ballard, I love how people and pedestrian friendly it is for the most part. Almost any hour of the day you can see people walking and riding up and down its tree lined streets.

I have therapy later and after that I'm meeting a friend for dinner at my favorite mexican restaurant in ballard. She has never been so this should be a special treat. I cant wait to introduce her to all its goodness. I hope she likes guacamole.

I feel good today, a bit tired, but still good.

Maybe just maybe my new debit card will arrive tomorrow! So i can grocery shop for real. But what I really need is stuff from costco and thats to much of a journey for me right now. Maybe next week I will brave the bus for 3 hour round trip journey.

I also think next week I'm gonna have to borrow our vacuum to suck up all these dead bugs in this apartment.

Next week is glenns birthday. I'm sure he has plans. It got me to remembering some of his birthdays that we got to spend together. Some fabulous journeys and nights out. My favorite will always been sitting on the upper most green at the edgefield, watching the fireworks in the distance. I have to work til 9pm that night..so no big plans for me. But I will be thinking of him and hope he has a fabulous birthday.

Tomorrow I think I'm gonna walk to discovery park tomorrow and "enjoy the sunshine". For now.. I'm gonna enjoy my couch, this book and music.

Never is a Promise

Well that was.. fuckin odd. I'm into you but I cant work around your schedule and I dont feel that your that into me.


Duh!

Whatever dude, it was like hanging out with one of my good friends, you didnt want to do all that "first date" stuff, nor did you ever laugh at anything. So what ever. WHATEVER. He was cute'ish, 37 and divorced. But whatever.

I told you honestly I'm just looking for people to hang out with right now. But you were so focused that I wrote back to 4 other guys on my CL ad. Whatever. WHATEVER!

I'm having my first drink home in a while. I stopped drinking at home cause it wasnt doing me any good. It was time for me to start "sleeping alone" in that sense. And it was tough. I woke up plenty of times wondering where...I was, where..ah..

Tonights friday night. Tomorrow is Thursday, I hope to get things done on my weekend.

I'm having a drink at home tonight. Oh.. I havent eaten anythign but a small handfull of pringles at work since "lunch" at 3pm. So I'm pretty smooshy.

I looked good tonight. Then again I look good all the time these days. I feel good, for the most part. I'm so glad its the weekend. And its my blog and i'm pretty fucked up so I'm just gonna say it.. I'm so horny. there. I said it. Happy?!

I heard a song tonight at work, Love is like oxygen.. aint that the truth. And I feel like I'm not getting either. I need love.

I need love bad.

eta: My perfect day for the weekend, would be sex, sleep, sex, sleep, laundry, sex, sleep, sex, drink, sex, sleep, sex, sleep. But we all know what its going to be like.
(for those not in the know.. eta is edited to add)

They Can't Buy the Sunshine

Seattle Summer is in full swing and a friend sent me this link to an old seattle tv show.. Almost Live! Seattle Summer
Its so very true.. I hope I can see some of the seattle summer before its gone.

Its rough heading to work some times and sometimes its even harder to head back to work after coming home for lunch. It was just gorgeous today. Not as hot as yesterdays 90+ degrees with a nice breeze which made it just well gorgeous.

One more day til a day off then I get to enjoy the sunshine. I may have a date tomorrow, but I'm not feeling it. I will still go out and have a drink or two but, I dont know this guy was I dont know. I'm just not feeling it, but at least I will have someone to talk to at the bar for a little while.

Its weird not having anyone to talk to, cept my blog. I hate talking on the phone, cept to my mom, so there really isnt anyone to call. Its also weird not having anything to do, besides sit at home, usually in the dark, so i can keep my electric bill down.

I went to the grocery store tonight afterwork. With 10$ I got a small chunk of steak, some cheese, safeway bread (it was the cheapest there) and on sale ice cream. I was so beat after work I didnt even bother to make the steak, it will have to be for another night. I made mac and cheese. Sure, I didnt NEED the ice cream, but I really wanted it. And its time I get things that I want.

I learned today that my vacation time was approved for burning man. So thats cool.

Today was an off day, it started out off due to taking a drowsy type of allergy medication, i was just plain loopy for a few hours. Eh.. it was just an off day..which is probably why I bought the ice cream. To comfort me a little bit. Even if it was inferior ice cream.

Its been almost a week since glenn and I have "talked" besides two emergency contact emails. I often wonder how he's doing.

I also agreed to switch a shift with a coworker, which is going to give me a "3 day weekend". I was actually considering taking a vacation somewhere. Maybe I'll take the train to portland or something. I havent been there in forever. Could I vacation by myself in a city where I really dont know anyone. I guess I will decide that later, its not til the 12th anyway.

So all in all, today had its ups and downs. Beautiful and frustrating. Just like me.

My Baby Does Me

Unfortunatly only in my dreams. But ooh was it good.
The dream was so wonderful and I never wanted to wake up from it. It was a contest and I won a date with him. I was able to buy roses for him for a penny a piece. I think we went out to chinese food. Cause there was fried potstickers. YUM. Then we danced a jive'y little number.

OOh.. I just remembered how much I've been craving dim sum. Its so much better with 2 or more people though. And plus since I lost my debit card and wont get it for a while any extra activities have been curtailed.

Oh I need allergy medication.. and Oh funny that.. its all the house. I'm about to rip my eyes out of my sockets. I gotta dig thru my big box of samples for the off chance that i have a allergy thing in there somewhere.

But that dream, the kisses.. oh so wonderful. So sweet, deep and full of love. Just a dream. All just a dream.

I'll Get Even

Today felt different. Not sure how or why. But it just felt different. I felt an energy that I havent felt in a long time. I also felt something else.. hunger. I ate like a ravenous creature today.
I couldnt be stopped with the eating.
Dinner tonight was insane
1 wing, leg and thigh of chicken.
1/2 a package of chicken rice stuff.
2+ oz of cheese
and a chocolate pudding.

But from like 5-6 o clock on I just felt something I havent felt in a long time. I dont know what it was.

I also said the words "my husband" today without being nauseated, cringing or sad.

I wonder whats going on in the universe, a new energy came to me today and it felt wonderful. I thank whatever it is for appearing. I felt happiness and love, dont know where from but, it was well received. I will also send out love tonight 10 fold to repay it, for someone else out there that might need some extra. Cause with all that food in me, I got lots of pent up energy.

Currently the only thing pissing me off right now is Itunes. This fucker wont shuffle anymore no matter what settings I change it to. They got some smart shuffle thing and its not working anymore.

Other than that, I feel good. I've eaten more today than I have in weeks.

I am human and I need to be loved
just like everybody else does

The Smiths, How Soon is Now

I could really use some real love right now.

(yes i think I've already given up on the not posting here, I tried posting somewhere else but.. this is very comforting to me)

Nugget

As I just finished watching hitchhikers guide to the galaxy. I quickly had to get ready for work. I showered and dressed in less than 15 minutes and still had time to make a pb&j for "breakfast" and time to post this post here which isnt really isnt a post either. HA!

So I'm rushing around my room finding clothes that will keep me cool at work and still fall within the work guidelines. I had on just my black undies that I like and a red sleeveless polo shirt and I was like damn.. I look fucking great like this. I then put on my utilikilt and rushed to the bathroom to do my "makeup" ie tinted moisturizer, blush and mascara.

I look fabulous today.
I feel "eh" to ok. But damn I look good.

Cold Sweat

I have a quick announcement.

Really quick.

I HATE THIS FUCKIN APARTMENT! HATE IT. I HATE THE FUCKIN FRIDGE, I HATE THE FUCKIN TINY ASS KITCHEN, I HATE THE FUCKIN SPIDERS, I HATE THE PINK BATHROOM!! I HATE THE FUCKIN UPSTAIRS NEIGHBOR! HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKING HATE IT!

OK.. I feel better.

Over Easy

We out for a cowkers birthdya tonight. One of my coworkers did my hair and my gosh do I look fabulous and sexy.
Curls otu the mf'n yin yang
I looked good.
However, the whole time I was missing glenn something awful. I wanted him to share all of the fun with me.

We wound up at a wallingford bar. I dont know.. I just kept missing him. Maybe its cause my cowker was nothing but a almost lip lock with her boyfriend all night and me the cynical bitch is like ya know in a few years he's just gonna resent you and kcik you to the curb.

I need food. Havent eaten in a while
I miss him so much.
Nights are so much harder than days.
Its nights like this that I just want to curl up in his arms and sleep next to him all warm and comfy.

Learning to Live

I'm trying, I'm so trying.
I love posting here I love writing down these thoughts that will keep me awake at night. thoughts about what my husband MAY be thinking.

Of course its all just speculation.

As its just a separation. I'm not an ex-wife. He is not my ex-husband.
He knows how i feel about him and how much I would love to love him.

I'm waiting to find some sense
of strength
I'm begging you from the
bottom of my heart to show
me understanding

I still dont understand any of this. I'm really trying.. I've just somewhat found acceptance for my situation. I'm no longer in denial that he doesnt love me. But its still just a separation.

Heh.. call and answer, BNL.

If you call i will answer. Which is true. He needs his space. I know it, he knows it. Still my heart and door are always there and open. (and some people are thinking here, yea for more abuse) What can I say.. that I havent said before.

thats what I get

how could you turn us into this?
after you just taught me how to kiss you.
i told you i'd never say goodbye.
i'm slipping on the tears you made me cry.

but that's what i get.
that's what i get.
that's what i get.
that's what i get.
for trusting you.
that's what i get.

why does it come as a surprise.
to think that i was so naive.
maybe didn't mean too much.
but it meant everything to me.

NIN thats what I get. OH my gosh. Thats what I get.. The music playing tonight on my mp3 have been one right after another with meanings and feelings I'm feeling.

Thats what i get all right.
Its 7pm, I leave for my date in less than an hour. Someone asked me if I'm ready for this. I was like No. I'm not, but Its better than trying to entertain myself with booze and my computer all night long.

Shake the disease

This is also not a post.
I have another date tonight. Different guy.
I'm a glutton for punishment.
Seriously.

Here is a plea
From my heart to you
Nobody knows me
As well as you do
You know how hard it is for me
To shake the disease
That takes hold of my tongue
In situations like these

I felt good today, I got some sewing done which is something I hadnt done in a long while. It felt good to feel the fabric sliding thru my fingers as it got pulled by the machine. It actually felt good (most of the time) to get stabbed with the pins as I was futzing with it. Just one more thing and this... item, will be finished and delivered.

Its the first time I have sewn since moving into this place. Maybe Just maybe, a sense of normalcy will reign again.

Time to finish this drink and get ready for ANOTHER DATE! glutton I tell you.. GLUTTON!

Padrino

This is not a post. Really it isnt.

The date? eh.

This is all I wanted to post here.

I remember I was tired
In fact I still have some sleep in my eyes
So I got all warm and safe and numb
Figured I would lie down and rest a while
Next thing came the morning
And you're shaking me and telling me to rise
And I would tell you anything
To stall and make you think or smile or cry
You see all I need is you
And then I start to understand what love does
Now there's so much that I can give
And I finally want to live
You know before I just didn't really ever care
And I'll do more than hold on
I want to celebrate the dawn
I don't ever want to go back to sleep I swear

Once you wake up, John Popper.

Inline bowline

Therapy was good as it always is. She said what I'm feeling is not only normal but expected. She said it was good I was going through all these emotions.

She said I've finally got to "stage 2" of this separation. Which is the acceptance, frustration, angry and etc portion of the program.

She said it was a great idea of mine to give glenn the space he needs. And she found it ironic when i told her about his new FWB. The similarities of the situations we are in are oddly apparent to her.

She also agreed with me about glenns actions of taking said fwb without giving himself enough healing time.

So anyway. She said what I'm feeling is a-ok normal. The fact that I think that I'm losing my mind, losing this weight and losing my sensory and ability to laugh at things is pretty normal. Cause I'm in stage 2. Weee for stage 2.

There might not be any new posts for a while. I'm going to write somewhere else as I need more space. If anything major comes up I will post, if not, then there might just be an I'm ok post every so often. Feeding the pain on both sides from this blog, leads me to make this decision to write my feelings elsewhere. People know how to find me if they want to.

With that.. I'm gonna have a snack and I think get ready for a date.
We both just need space for healing. Really.

To much love will kill you

There is construction outside of my apartment today.

I retract a drunken statement I made last night. re: the redhead that came in the shop with the same name. I wouldnt of done a darn thing. And it was very wrong to say that. BUt its amazing what fear, jealousy and envy can do to a person. Strong emotions all three. And combined causes the mind to twist and concoct mysterious situations that dont really exist.

I'm dehydrated.
I'm in pain
and I may have a date tonight.
I have therapy this afternoon.
I'm glad I walked to downtown ballard this morning instead of going to the house to do laundry. Glenn is there, which would of been awkward considering our 3 week silence period.

I may have a solution to my pot rack problem and I maybe solving it for under 3 dollars.

I cracked me up last night after I left the sloop tavern. Some boys were riding by on thier bikes (they were in their 20's) I asked, hey can you give a girl a lift home. The guy on the 10 speed says hop on (his handlebars), he says all you need is grace and I replied I have as much grace as I have virginity. We both laughed, he rode on and I stumbled home.

The sloop was fun, went with my cowokers about 4 of them we were talking such shit and itwas so entertaining.

can learn to resist
Anything but temptation
I can learn to co-exist
With anything but pain

I can learn to compromise
Anything but my desires
I can learn to get along
With all the things I cant explain

Rush, Glenns favorite band, and the song is Resist. I heard that one today. And I'm trying to learn to co-exist with this pain.

I still think that the resentment is clouding his thinking. And the pain is clouding mine.

Today I also thought about, who exactly am I writing this all for. I'm just writing it, but i'm writing it in a public forum. I could easily just make it read only just for me just to write it all down. But I'm not its wide open for the world to see. I wonder do people think glenn is a monster, an evil bastard for hurting me like this. Do people think I'm an innocent party in this. I hope not. Glenn isnt evil and I'm not innocent. We both made mistakes in this.

My mind is all jumbly, best not write anymore.
I heard a u2 song that I wanted to post some lyrics too, but i cant remember which one it was right now. Maybe my next post.

What a weird life. Living at home til my early 20's, feelings of abandonemnt when my mother left after they split. Then the ensuing mental abuse from my father and stepmother. Then finding and marrying someone who loves me and treated me with respect for so many years to wind up like this. Very strange indeed.

Saturday night's alright for fighting

This is a ccrayzy drunken bolog post
.

Someone said something to day to me and it made sense. My love for him is all that i know. And thats why its so hard t give it up. After my depression ended and I didnt know my marriage was over all I knew was the love he gave me. I had grown used to the love he had gave me, throught all of the bad times and when i fianlly gopt out ofit . Its all I knew. and thats is what she said is why I'm so stuck to him. But I think its more than that. Sure I a,m sure thats some of it.

I fiannlly knew what love meant and I meant and ,ean it with him. wooo.. beer

anyway. I miss him like crayzy. And I lve him. I knew when I met him I would love him til i died.

oof need water
Another friend said. why stay and love someone who hurts you so badly and someone who hurts you so badly on propse. I dont know. The more he hurt methe more I wanted him. therefore te more invetntive ways he ca me up to hurt em,.

A girl name d (girl he is currently fuckin) came in the store tonight, she was a red head. In some weird way I so wanted to kick her ass. And I'm not violent, cause hitting doesnt equal violence.

oof
moe water
i looked good tonight.

Starfuckers, Inc

July 12 is what I was told is the next day of contact.

So what will happen in the next 3 weeks.
For me? I have no clue.
For him.. I dont know, but I hope he's happy.

Why do I have to love him so much.

HAAAAAAAAAAA! How funny this song comes on.. just started playing as I started weeping again. Gloria Gaynors I will survive.

I know I will.

No not I.. I will surive. hey hey.

1978 and the song still has punch.

I will say this much(well I say lots of things, its my damn blog). I will always love him and I will always keep that little bit of hope that we will find a love together again. Cause without hope, whats left.

Let Me See

I got an email from him today. Which layed all the cards on the table, if we continue this way, we are just going to wind up hurting each other more.

He says I'm blinded by my love for him. Which is true. I am. So I sent him a reply back which he so far hasnt responded to. No contact for 1-2 weeks. Just so we can.. er should I say I can learn or start learning how to.. I guess move on. But its not really moving on its more of an out of sight out of mind. Well thats not true either. Its just to give him the space he needs and me going on about my love for him and so forth just pushes him away from me.

Maybe he's thinking it over? Maybe the email just upset him more, I just dont know anymore. He wanted to stay friends through all of this. I have to take this time to figure out how i'm feeling (besides hopelessly in love with him). 2 weeks or so without any contact. Its going to be weird. Its going to be painful. But we are both floundering in agony due to each others actions, and somewhere thats gotta stop. Maybe this cooling off period, not really sure what to call it. (That is if he wants to do it.) will help each of us.

We will see.

I think I'm gonna go to bed "early" tonight. Maybe do some reading.

I sent emails to a couple guys that responded to my CL ad.. I may have "dates" coming up soon. Then the question is, do I take off the ring.
I dont think I have that in me yet.

Harmony

He says he spent 5 years building resentment towards me. He says he never wanted to get married. He says he was forced into it. He says he only supposedly loved me.

Ok so can see and understand the resentment thing. But the love was real. We both know the love was real.

Breakfast consisted of a bagel with peanut butter. About an ounce of cheese and 1/4 of a blueberry yogurt(low fat).

He says were strong enough to move apart. Then why am I feeling like this. Why does nothing have flavor anymore. Why am I finding nothing to laugh at anymore. Why am I asking hypothetical questions with out question marks.
Why do I constatly have this tiny little nagging feeling that this isnt over.

I see my therapist on thursday at 1. I havent seen her in weeks.

This isnt over.

Its hard, I want to spend time with him cause i love his company and conversation. And yet I want him to heal himself. I want him to feel like himself again. Its a fine line and a double edged sword that I seem to be falling on time and time again.

Somebody to love

Went home today from work. It was slow. And I just didnt want to be there. I felt nauseated all day. I felt nausea last night, and the night before and the day before. I eat but sometimes it just makes me feel worse.

Food which was once my comfort is now my enemy. Nothing taste good anymore. I used to eat chocolate or some sort of chocolate every day. Now its been a while. My breakfast went thru me like a laser.

My coworker was like have you lost weight. I was like yea.. about 10 pounds in the past month or so. Between not eating as much and walking 4 miles to and from work. The weight is dropping.

I think i should make a diet book, The Separation Diet. Or perhaps call it "The love of your life is fucking someone else diet". Its just so easy.. think of your partner that you love with all that you are, in the arms of another woman, doing all sorts of things to her.. and instantly your appetite will be gone. Poof.. just like now. And since your constantly thinking about it your constantly nauseated and not hungry. I could make millions.

Someone to love.. indeed.

Starship Trooper

Sitting here sipping on a last couple sips of a fine tequila like its a fine wine, cause it is. Herradura Anjejo with the cutiesy little accent mark over the J. My friend brought it over. We opened a bottle of wine to start out the evening, so we could toast to my new place. Cause a new place isnt a home until you have friends over. I now have a home.

I've had friends here. We sat, we talked, we laughed and drank til 1"33 in the morning. They left only a little a bt ago and I am so happy to have them in my life.

Beyond my husband they are the only people who understand me.
They've been through a lot too. They dont know the entire extent of it all, but they have an idea.
They all want to kick glenns ass.
And its 1:35 am and its now that I miss him. The partys over and I want him. I want him in my arms keeping my soul warm at night. But he needs his time and I know I'm strong enough to give him the time he needs, even if its in the arms of another woman. It hurts. OH yes it hurts. But I love him to much to hurt him any more.

One of my friends brought me a load of cheep frames. They will be so perfect on my wall of photos. I cant wait to start setting it all up. I love them all and I'm so glad to have them in my life.. my apartment is finally a home now.

Before and After

Glenn said to me last night... you should write a letter to your father thanking him for fuckin up 2 marriages, his and ours. It was an enjoyable evening out with him and Bill.. we were at a local pub having double bacardi & cokes. I find it comforting how easy it still is to talk to him.

Maybe I will write that letter.

I wrote back to two guys after my craigslist ad. Well I wrote back to lots of them, most of them never wrote me back. I don't know why either.

My friends are coming over tonight, it will be nice to see them.
Gosh my brain isnt with me this morning.. I better get in the shower, I work today.

Once upon a time
you were a queen
and I was your king
in a castle like adam and eve
we had everything
a one room apartment, holes in the carpet

night after night, the neighbors would fight
and no one was right
we sweared we would never be like
that husband and wife.
We were so nieve then.

true love and other fairy tales
our bed of roses has become a bed of nails
You keep... everyone we failed ( I wish i could hear this lyric more clear)
so much for true love and other fairy tales

We were two of a kind, partners in crime
what a pair of fools

what is just a dream then?
Dont ask me... cause i dont believe in,
true love and other fairy tales.

No happily after
now that the crying drowns the laughter

I couldnt find the lyrics on the web, but thats a really old I think late 80's song from a band called Electric Angels.

Thanks dad... for putting me in this place. For ruining our marriage, for not showing me love and support, for allowing 18 years+ of mental abuse to go on. For making me hurt for losing the love of my lifetime. And you wonder why i never ever want to talk to you anymore. Its been 5 years since I've talked to you and your still fuckin up my life. Gee dad your swell.

I'm 33 years old and I not longer have the depression you sat upon me. Its taken years of therapy to get out of it. This should be the time of my life with my husband. But it isnt all thanks to my father and stepmother.

Thick

I was just reading on another message board about a similar situation to mine. The guy left after 2 years of not getting frequent sex. Glenn stayed with me for 5. He should of quit me years ago and I know that now. I wasnt good to him in that department and in all honesty he had every right to do what he did. He ran out of patience and its understandable. He was so supportive of me and me getting better. And I ruined it all for the both of us. I can never make back up all the years of intimacy that we both lost.

Just know I wanted to. I didnt want him to hurt. I didnt want him to suffer because of my "disease" "affliction" whatever you want to assign depression to. Its killing me inside for what I put him through for that long.

He had to beg me for it, after weeks of not getting anything. And I begrudginly let him have sex with me. Oh my gosh the pain I'm in right now. To know that he should of left years ago. I wanted to, I wanted to and couldnt .. I feel horrible.. I hurt him so much and I had no control of it. I feel so horrible for what I put him through. 5 years of wanting to love me and not being able to. But he stuck it out for that long in the hopes I would get better. So patient. I thank him so much for being so supportive and patient and I hope he knows just what he means to me. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I wish there were other words besides sorry, my heart is aching with the pain that is now mine which was once yours. I pushed him away and I couldnt control it. I couldnt even fake it. He would know. I know cause i tried a few times he knew,he knew when I was faking it just to appease him.

I pushed him into her arms. And if there was a way I could undo it I would. But whats done is done. And I hope that in his heart he can forgive me and maybe sometime when the pain of the past 5 years that i put him through subsides that he can see that I still love and want him.

I never wanted to hurt him, it was my biggest fear and I was doing it and didnt even know how much it was hurting him and he never told me. Or maybe he did and I just took it as him being.. i dont know. He just wanted to love the woman he married and I couldnt. And i feel so awful. He should of left me years ago.

My worst fear was always losing him and hurting him and I didnt even know what I had done and couldnt stop it.

So I think I will just sit and cry for a bit now. He just wanted to love me and I told him no. I loved him I just couldnt "love" him and that make me sad.

I'm sorry. I never meant to do this. You know I didnt want to. You know what was in my heart. I cant think straight.

the maker

If you were here
I know that you would
Truly be amazed
At what's become of what you made
If you were here
You would know how I treasured every day
How every single word you spoke
Echo's in me like a memory of hope

When you were here
You could not feel the value that I placed
On every look that crossed your face
When you were here
I did not know just how I had embraced
All that you hid behind your face
Could not hide from me
'Cause it hid in me too

Poe's If you were here.

So we talked last night for gosh.. almost 2 1/2 hours about lots of things. And I was upfront and down right crude asking about his escapades with the FWB. Cause I'm into that I really dont care state anymore. He said he doesnt love her. He doesnt love me.. so in that we are equal, cept for the fact that she gets to fuck my husband and I don't.

He told me the name of her three cats, one was chaos, cant remember the other two. Its unimportant.
everyone asks why I want to know so much about her. It some ways it helps with the pain. For to have something tangible to sink my teeth into instead of a idea "just a woman" "just a friend". With something tangible its easier for me to personify her and objectify her as what she is. Therefore its easier to remove her from my mode of thinking, instead of coming up with my own logic of who she is and trying to figure out what she is, what she's like and so forth. I think the word is catharis.

Main Entry: ca·thar·sis
Pronunciation: k&-'thär-s&s
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural ca·thar·ses /-"sEz/
Etymology: New Latin, from Greek katharsis, from kathairein to cleanse, purge, from katharos
1 : PURGATION
2 a : purification or purgation of the emotions (as pity and fear) primarily through art b : a purification or purgation that brings about spiritual renewal or release from tension
3 : elimination of a complex by bringing it to consciousness and affording it expression

So he doesnt love me. He didnt love me when we met either.
He feels guilty that he is hurting me and breaking my heart.
I feel guilty cause I didnt get "better" fast enough. If I would of snapped out of this just a month or two prior could all of this been avoided? Who knows. Only the mysteries of the universe know that answer. But what has happened happene. And it must of happened for a reason.

Today on my 2 walks to goodwill, I thought about all the times I would lay awake at night after having to turn him down again and again. Wishing I could do anything sexual, just yelling inside my head at myself to just feel something, anything. Wishing I didnt have to turn him down again and the guilt.. Oh my gosh the guilt. The guilt that still haunts me to today. But the sex thing. All me. I couldnt do it as much as I wanted to, in my heart I wanted to do it was just getting my mind and body to respond. Unfortunatly it started responded to late... the damage was already done. But now that damns been busted open and I'm just.. well taking matters into my own hands. Much like he had to do for most of our marriage. I feel awful. No I feel worse than awful. All he wanted to do is show his love to me and I couldnt accept it because I couldnt accept it as what it was. I couldnt accept it cause I didnt know how to. And when I finally learned how to be open and accept it, it was all over and done with.

Gah.. fuckin depression. FUCK YOU DAD! FUCK YOU STEPMOTHER! Fuck you for ruining my life. Your damn right i'm blaming them. Thier years of putting me down with thier mental abuse and saying I wasnt good enough or smart enough and all those other things I've had to let go in therapy and in my life. You ruined me for a great guy, who finally showed me the way out of the hole that you put me into. Well I'm not going back in that hole again. Sure I'm sad about this separation and its pain sometimes is unbearable. But I know Who i am now. I know how good I am. I make my own happiness now. Maybe someday I will get to make more happiness with the man I love.

I know what I want in this life. I have desires and goals to obtain. I've ideas and different avenues to take. Lets see how this ride contiues.

Gosh this one got long. I just feel good today. No.. i feel great today. And I got some cute things at goodwill for work!

I feel great.

What the Hell Have I

It's hard to start things over
Oh yeah
You can feel the fire around us
All the time
Yeah

So.. where am I.Its been a month since I've moved in here.

I'm in love with a man, who doesnt love me.
He has a "Friend with benefits".
I've lost approx 8 pounds in the past month.
Work is ok
I have a few coworkers that I would consider friends.
And after years of fighting with my inner demons on learning how to love someone the way they love me, I have to now fall out of love.

Do i still love him, after everything. Yes I do. Will I ever stop loving him. Doubtful. Very very doubtful.

I posted a craigslist ad last night out of sheer frustration. I got well over 80 replys. Some were odd, some were old, some were waaaay to young and some were offensive. There was a couple that I will reply to, I just dont think I have it in me to reply to the 80 and growing emails that are taking over one of my email accounts.

Still I look at thier descriptions of themselves, look at thier pictures and I wonder, can I love them as much as I love Glenn. And in my heart that answer is no. Its to soon. They just dont have what he has, and thats my heart in his hands, which he has crushed to a bloody pulp currently. I remember early in my life I said to myself your only getting married once.. and when I met Glenn the first time I knew it was him I wanted to spend my life with. I just knew it, with every part of me. I can still picture him on our first date even. As a child of divorce, I never wanted to go through it again. Even if I'm the adult in situation this time. It was a divorce that got me into my depression and it took a stable marriage and love to get me out of it.

So where am I. I dont know. I'm just a woman in love with a man that doesnt love me.
How do I fall out of love, when I just spent years learning how to?

These Days

Sonnet for Finding Friends

It finally happened outside of my therapy session
The happiness light inside me was bright as the sun.
I was told I no longer had depression.
Unfortunately the damage was done.

My husband showed me the door;
Saying, his love for me had quit.
My heart sank low, beyond the basement floor.
I kept asking him, is this legit?

So here I am at the start of a separation,
Thirty three, and tired of sitting quietly
Looking for friendship, laughter, and joyous celebrations
Someone or someones who won't mind me treading slowly.

I've got employment, a new place and a smile in my soul
Is there anyone out there that can play the “Just Friends” role?


I've considered posting it to craigslist or other sorts of datey places. But Not really sure I'm ready for that either. But it was fun to write in a sonnet style, I hadnt done it in a while. And someone suggested I try it out.

As much as I miss him and thats an a never ending battle. Specially when I lay down at night, thats when I feel so cold and alone. With no amount of blankets will warm me. Last night seemed harder than the rest.

I still feel happy with who I am. I'm holding my head higher than its ever been before. And I know I have work to do on my outer shell and a bit on the soft inside too. But now there is nothing in my way anymore. I feel so good about myself its a neat feeling. Its odd to be so happy with ones self and yet so miserable about my current situation. Maybe someday I will post that sonnet somewhere and find some more friends.

BUT.. lemme talk about my New friends. Coworkers, but going to be good friends I can just tell.

There's danica, the tiniest thing, who cant weigh 100 pounds when she's sopping wet. She is on my work team. I get to go to her birthday celebration in a week or so. She wanted me there cause "i'm her friend". It made me smile.

Then there is this new girl, Nichelle, I love her attitude and her thoughts on top shelf liquors. I cant wait to hang out and party with her!

Me and work are finally finding ways of getting thru the day. And tomorrow.. the rainbow pedicure! WOO! Tomorrow is gonna be a great day.

Nuages

I have at least 3 new friends. Its cool. Work has brought some cool people into my life. This one girl.. I cant wait to hang out with her out side of work. She is a booze snob too!

Will edit this later with more stuff.. I just felt like saying that Its neat to have new friends.

Your Savior

So on one of my message boards someone posed this question..

Whats the best part about being married?

Here are some of the answers:

Having someone to support me and love me and let me be me.
Laughing our asses off over nothing.
Getting to live with my favorite buddy.
Supporting someone else and loving someone else and letting him be himself.
Sharing dinner.
Having someone to bake for.
Having someone appreciate my off-the-wall sense of humor.
Finding the other half of your soul.
Being connected to someone who is connected to you.
Sleeping next to each other and waking up with his warm body right there.
Having someone who REALLY cares about how you feel.
Having someone make you laugh.
Having someone to share good news and bad news with.
having a partner who is strong in the areas i'm weak (and vice versa)
Being with someone who "gets" me

Yep.. All of those and more. Cause its called commitment and love. I was thinking on the way home today, that if this separation didnt happen, that in time there would of been so many good times it would of completly eclipse the bad. Not to say that the whole 5 years was bad, there was some completely and utterly fabulous times in there. And its those memories that keep my spirits up day after day. But there was some bad times there, I know it, he knows it. But I figured now that I'm no longer depressed, I just thought about the years of GREAT times we should be having together. Now i'm not saying that good times now would erase all the bad times of the past, but I am saying that the goodtimes in time, would of outweighed all the bad times.

Its just all the false impressions I got from him the past few months. The fact that his subliminal messages was how i was supposed to figure out that something was wrong. He said he wanted to tell me all this before tahoe, but didnt want to ruin our time there. It all just feels like lies to me now, the trip around the lake, the cuddling in the jacuzzi, the showshoeing/xcountry skiing trip. Funny, I thought we were having a good time together and to think that whole time he hated me. No clue.

Ok I gotta end this one now before I get any more angry. My anger level is increasing and I got to stop it now. Its just better if I dont feel this way.

But its funny.. up until a little over a month ago, I thought all those things above about my marriage.

(I edited a few things to make them clear, its hard to think when your angry)

Blasphemous Rumours

I dont know why I love you like I do
All the troubles you put me through
Sixteen candles there on my wall
And here am I the biggest fool of them all

Talking Heads, Take me to the River. Heard it yesterday at work.
I do feel like the fool. A fool for believing that people stay together no matter what. A fool for believing that if there is a problem you talk about and not hide it behind subliminal messages.
A fool for believing there was nothing wrong for the past 6 months.
A fool for not beliving that it only takes 6 months to fall out of love with someone.
Poof snap your fingers and your love is gone.

A coworker knows more of the situation. I told her about his FWB and that he said he doesnt love me. She says to me, you just gotta stop seeing him. I said thats easier said than done. Specially when I feel the way I do about him.

I still feel like the fool.
I feel like a hobby that wasnt so easy anymore that it was easier just to quit.
The path of least resistance or something like that, the easy way out.

Becky is My wife, great listener, takes my shit, laughs at my jokes, incredible lover, beer snob and my friend forever.-Glenn

Glenn wrote that about me a long time ago when I was creating a mini biography, I asked friends and loved ones what they thought of when they thought of me.
And ya know what I'm still taking his shit. Cause this is just shit right now and I've got a whole apartment full.

Parade

Got home around 3am last night. Watched a movie with glenn, the movie Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless mind. And we got to talking, how it would just be easier for them to erase glenn from me so I didnt have to go on feeling like this.
Which got us to talking about everything else all over again. Same conversation, but different. Same tears, same pain however.

That never changes. the pain never feels any different.

So i pop a traz cause after that kind of conversation and hearing more about his friend with benefits, I knew sleep wouldnt happen without it.

Around 4:30 this morning a nightmare of me being trapped in a dark room (much like my bedroom was at the time) had my heart racing and my stomach in knots. I jump out of bed and I look around for any sort of light to head to, I stumble to the only light i see and nearly knock a picture off the wall. It was then I "woke up". But now my stomach is still churning at a high rate of speed and my back is getting that cold sweat feeling...I rush to the bathroom. I felt like hell for a good while, and at times took solace laying on my bathmat. I never "got sick" but it took a good while to calm back down.

I was asleep again by 5 and up at 8:30, eyes still a bit puffy from the tears.

He keeps telling me to find a friend like he has. But from what I'm noticing, unless your perfect and height weight proportionate, there is no man out there that would want to be my friend (like his friend). Besides my friendship would be without benefits, cept maybe some discounted products from my store.

Friends with benefits. Blah.

Still its funny, I love having these conversations with him. No matter the pain, no matter the tears, the puffy eyes, any of it. I just love being able to say how I feel. I know he reads my blog, cause we've talked about stuff that I have written. Stuff that may have been to difficult for me to just come out and say. And the time during the movie was also quite nice. I also love hearing his words, even if they are words and thoughts that make my pain more worse. At least we are finally getting the pain out.

Its 10am, I better start getting ready for work. And try not to think about it, which is next to impossible.

Seven years in Tibet

Seattle is so beautiful today. Oh its such a perfect sunny day here.
I gotta say i love coming home from work for lunch. Its the perfect little retreat. It helps me maintain that ounce of sanity I've got left.

And its art walk tonight so there is no appointments after 7pm tonight. And snacks! WOO! I cant wait.
I still have to work until 9, but for the most part my job is over qat 7. I'm excited. OOh! Gotta run back to work.

But gosh Its so beautiful out. Its the perfect saturday. I'm feeling good today.

Haunted

So yesterday in a slow period at work I was thinking about me putting up that "ad" up on that dorky not really a dating site. I thought about the reasoning behind it.
Did I really want to find someone on their?
Did I really want to prove to myself that another person would find me intersting and attractive?
Or did I just want to I guess get even, as he's got something that I don't have now. And who knows if he has multiple somethings that I don't have.

And I figured out that It was just a combination of those last two.
My new work schedule has made it self very non friend friendly or even meeting people friendly. Maybe I did that on purpose too. To just focus on being by myself again.

So far I'm not liking it. I spent so many years living by myself and I dont just mean when I didnt live with Glenn either. I mean the past few years when my depression reached its peak, I was living alone, inside my own skull. There was really no one else with me then. Here I am now. Purposly asking for a schedule so I can be alone.

I'll get out of work at 9pm tonight. I will come home. Fix my dinner, maybe have a drink, be asleep by midnight and tomorrow I will do it all over again. Alone, work, alone.

Time to get ready for another work day. And pretending that my life is all puppies and rainbows to the guests of our spa.

A Question of Lust

There is going to be a lot of lyrics in the next few weeks as my mind is hearing the things it needs and or wants to hear in a song.

So many recently..

Silver springs, fleetwood mac

Time casts a spell on you, but you wont forget me
I know I could have loved you, but you would not let me
Ill follow you down til the sound of my voice will haunt you (on 3rd time
Stevie oversings, was I such a fool?
Youll never get away from the sound of the woman that loves you

And for the current song playing..

Its a question of lust
Its a question of trust
Its a question of not letting
What weve built up
Crumble to dust
It is all of these things and more
That keep us together

Depeche mode

My mind, my body, my heart and soul, just wants to be with him.I'm just feeling so empty inside without his presense around me. I'm missing so much, so many touches and caresses, missing scratching his head, missing his voice, his laughter, his smile.

I just miss him so damn much. Somedays its just unbearable...today is one of those days. Ah.. i'm getting weepy and I have to head back to work soon. Somedays I do really well, I miss him but I push it away, in order not to get like this. I'm thinking about him constantly. Wondering how he is doing.

Something else has changed, or maybe its just my mind, but his emails have felt colder to me. I dont know why. I dont know why.. it may just be nothing.

Soon I gotta go back to work to be happy some more.. for the next 5 hours.
Oh gosh I miss him.

Sunday Morning

Ha.. this song just came on.
I turned it up really loud. Cause today Is one shitty day and I havent even gone to work yet.
Its mornings like this I just need a hug from him. Just a comforting hug to make one spot in my day that much brighter.

I've nearly broken down in tears 3 times already this morning one on the way to safeway.

My hair looks awful today. And all my good work clothes are dirty.
I gotta go towork. and try not to break down there.

Suck My Kiss

Ok so part two, now that I'm up, fed and some what coherant.

I went on quite an adventure yesterday. Heres a map!



So the little red arrows shows the direction i walked. I think with all the switching back and forth in stores and stuff, it probably will be approx 7 miles. It was fun. It was warm and I felt good. For the most part.

I First went into the macys to look at furniture, found nothing. Nordstroms was insane due to a sale, so i didnt stay there very long. Wandered a bit in pacific place, then up to capital hill. My husband said there was a donut shop up there that I had to try... well I never looked up the address before heading up there,I just figured it was on the main street. I was wrong. Ah well... of to happy hour I went. After 3 drinks and a chicken sandwich with swiss and bacon (oooh so good), I went to value village, and found nothing. Down the hill I go, potty stop in pacific place, then I head over to the Whiskey bar where thier happy hour goes til 9pm! I left at approx 8:30. Another potty stop at the mojito cafe and for a brief thought I considered walking all the way back home. Then a bus came by.

So I sat in the whiskey bar next to this guy. He looks over at me and asks "Do I look shitty?"
Strangest question ever. No.. you dont look shitty, do you feel shitty?
Turns out he was a geek, as he does programming for Cingular cell towers or something and he was about to get a degree in c++ programming. Its odd no matter where I go, I'm almost always sitting next to a geek.

My legs feel a little tired, but not to bad.
Today starts a 7 day shift. My next day off isnt until the 15th. Oof.

Someone on another message board asked how I was doing. At times I think i'm doing ok. And other times, not so much. I miss him so much, his companionship, his cuddles, his everything. I'm still very much in love with him. He says I have to let him go for a while, but its so tough because I finally just found him. Or at least I thought I found the person I thought he was. Something like that.

My gosh I miss him.

Bravado

OOOH do I got a lot to say but its gonna have to wait til the next post. But check this out. Heard this song in the bar tonight and It was RIIIIIIIIIIIINging fuckin clear in my head.

Music is my muse. Music is what got me thru so many hard times in the past, and music is whats going to get me thru this... song lyrics that I heard before that I feel like i'm hearing again for the first time. Song lyrics that suddenly have a whole new meaning to me.

this is No Doubts Sunday Morning most of it anyway.

Sappy pathetic little me
That was the girl I used to be
You had me on my knees
I'd trade you places any day
I'd never thought you could be that way
But you looked like me on Sunday

You came in with the breeze
On Sunday morning
You sure had changed since yesterday
Without any warning
I thought I knew you
I thought I knew you
I thought I knew you well...so well

You're trying my shoes on for a change
They look so good but fit so strange
Out of fashion, so I can complain


Chorus
I know who I am, but who are you?
You're not looking like you used to
You're on the other side of the mirror
So nothing's looking quite as clear
Thank you for turning on the lights
Thank you, now you're the parasite
I didn't think you had it in you
And now you're looking like I used to!

You came in with the breeze
On Sunday morning
You sure have changed since yesterday

OOh that just feels so good. I had a fabulous day today. Well besides the work part.. but at least I was getting almost 16 an horu for that shit. I walked about 6.5 miles today. Map of my travels in my next post. I spent most of my time alone, thinking about being alone, thinking about isolating myself. And yet still interacting with others. AH,,, tis a great day that you can walk almost 7 miles in birk sandals and still have a smile on your face.

I made a friend smile today and thats the highlight of my day right there. To know that even in my current state I can still do something for my friends even as they try to do stuff for me, cause I'm in such a weird emotional state.
I feel so good having them all in my life, and I think about them constantly.

gosh this post which wasnt going to be my long post is gonna wind up pretty long anyway.

Ok so like today, I was wandering in Macy's dress section and something a friend wrote to me sang in my head as i was flipping thru a bargain rack of gowns... my friend wrote to me in a letter/package "I'll never see red without thinking of you" which to some may seem a bit odd... but to me its just beautiful and means so damn much. I Held a red gown in my hands and determined, hell I could make it better. So i left it there. however, there was a lovely cream colored dress that was Oh my gosh lovely, however it was a size 8 and this size 12 body isnt going to see that any time soon even at 100$ for the dress.

Ok.. Its only 10:14.. and i'm sipping on yet another drink and this post is way to long. And yet I have so much more to say. I'm in a great mood. I miss my husband terriblely. I thought about him a lot today on my travels. I thought about him and what he has said to me, about letting him go, about his scrabble girl, about him finding another "fuck buddy", about him... And me thinking ah.. another lyrics
Joan Osborne, Hallelujah

Like a needle going in
Into the shining city skin
Oh I recall the moment when you ruined me for other men

He found someone to fuck.. just like that. .. easy peasy. its just sex right. It doesnt mean anything right? Met her, fucked her, scrabbled with her..and finding yet someone else to fuck. FUCK FUCK FUCK. cause it doesnt mean anything.

it may have seemed to never mean anythign to me but it did.
And now I've got no one.. one of my favorite songs before I went out to the bars in college was "someone to love" by queen, cause thats what I was looking for, well i found him. Now he is only looking for someone to fuck, cause I guess he cant love anymore.

gosh i'm still a bitter bitch arent I. But I just feel ruined. Ruined for other men... I finally found a man I could trust with all that I am, and whats he doing, he is "playing scrabble" with someone else. ..woo more lyrics..

Conventioneers, Barenaked Ladies

I followed your perfume out away from all the rabble
Right up to your room for a drink and travel scrabble
You, stationed in the warm glow of the t.v.
Too patient as Im playing l(1)o(1)v(4)e(1)

And we laugh...and we laugh...and we laugh
And we have to or well end up in the bath

Now were in the bath, Im already thinking marriage
I know that in the past it was something Id disparage
You turned down all the lights, I lit the candles
We rolled around in robes and hotel sandals

ah... i've had now 8 drinks and this post became everything and yet there is still more about this evening i havent even touched on. Will anyone read to the bottom of this epic thing? Dont know.. dont care. It feels good to write it all down.

I walked almost 7 miles in sandals, and all I thought about was 2 things, my own happiness and my husband and how i wish he was sharing it all with me.

Ice Cream

So glenn and I went on our non-date. We were going to go to madame k's but they were closed on tuesdays... so off to my place.. er.. the german place. We split the cheese and sausage plate and I got the paprika sour cream chicken and he got the pork thing some sort of schnitzel item.

I had 3 beers. He paid for dinner I picked up the movie. Its been a while since I uh.. paid for a movie. And i was a bit taken a back when the teenage punk announced 19$. OOf.

Off to over the hedge we go. All adults in the theater and we find a seat, then another seat, then another seat. Once we get comfy, the previews started.. then the feature attraction. Some parts were "slow" but the end was quite amusing and the laughter in the theater was infectious.. soon the whole theater (all 10 of us) were laughing in syncronicity. Shatner did wonderful playing possum.

We walked back to our separate abodes and wished each other a good night.
One bummer of the evening, I thought I had a good table for my dining room area, but it got sold already.. more searching for me.

But tonight was a fun night. It was nice to laugh like that again.
Gotta take a traz and get to bed, 6:30 is coming soon..

All This Time

All this time I had a papasan chair. From my first apartment on 7th St in phoenix, til now. The cushions were picked up a short while earlier and just a few moments ago...

I broke the frame of that papasan chair with a hammer and pure brute force. It was strangely therapudic to destroy it. I've had that chair since 1995, 11 years. I paid 40$ for it at a second hand store.

The cushion went to a burning man chill space.
The frame or whats left of it, is heading to the seattle dump. My arm is tired from beating the crap out of this frame. It was really well made. But its time to get new furniture that better suits me. That chair had to go to make room for new.

My hand is sore to from tightly holding the hammer as I swung and hit the chair over and over again to get the nails to give way.

I think i'm gonna get a dining room table in the space that that chair was residing in.

And holy crap did I work up a sweat, it felt great.

Top of the World

I'm feeling really good today. I wouldnt go as far as to say top of the world. But I'm rested and I have a day off.

So i set out today to continue to organize this apartment to make it livable.
So far today I've:

Moved my desk back in the corner (I had to move it away from the wall to get my outlets installed.)
Changed a shelf on my shelving unit to better accomodate my stuff for my kitchen items. It still having a problem with stability. I gotta figure out how to make this shelf more stable on this plush carpet. I dont want my booze to hit the deck.

Ah thats another thing. I finally unpacked my booze. All the beautiful bottles are proudly standing on the top of the shelf. And Until I find a different space for them, thats where they will stay. I'm thinking if I got a little "bar" thing that would be cool.

Emptied a box in my sewing area that was blocking my way.
Emailed someone again to pick up these blasted papasan cushions. I cant get a dining table in here til those damn things are gone.

So things are coming together. I still need to figure out where to hang these two prints. I really want them up today so i can use my couch as a couch. Instead of a place for art to lean.

But I feel good. The sun is out, my blinds are open (i'm dressed), and I got a window open, it was getting stuffy in here. But with all the rain we have had recently its nice to see the sun. Maybe some day off in the future I will be able to take some it in. But for now I would like to catch up on things like setting up this damn place.

In other news... On saturday Glenn and I had another talk, drink, talk, cry, talk, fuck. The latter part there I've been informed cannot happen again. However, I think its was one of our best talks ever. I came away with it knowing more about him than I knew before. And I really feel good about it all. And I also learned a lot too. So although he thought it was awkward and stuff, I still feel was really important to get some of my concerns out and to listen and have him describe things to me.

We talked a lot about trust and He learned that he was the first man that I have ever trusted. Which I think may have given him a bit of a surprise. I told him that he was the first guy I ever dated that everything just fit.
Trust and honesty are always going to be the main parts of a relationship for me due to my past with various dishonest men. Now I've learned that but already knew that communication also plays a part. Unfortunatly, my way of communicating and Glenns way of communicating are two different wavelenghts. I now have a better idea on what to look for. Those subtle signs that something is amiss is his way of doing things. And me I'm just like all out there.

I got on the scale at the house the other day 164. I've lost 5 pounds which is cool. I'm hoping to be around 150 or lower for burning man this year. However, If I dont get there... thats fine to. I'm motived to lose the weight, however, I know myself well enough these days that goals while they are good to set, sometimes goals arent reached.

Last night while still at work, I called the local pub that I like and ordered a salad and some pasta like thing to go. After I removed all the mushrooms and onions off the salad, it was quite tasty. And I finished the rest of the pasta stuff for lunch today.

Tomorrow at work we have a big company meeting/education thing. I have to be there at 8:15 am until 2.. oh did i fail to mention its my day off. At least it will be all overtime pay so WOOO!

OOH, i figured something out, what I'm going to do is calculate what my over time way was and take half of it and put it in a savings for 2 digital cameras, I want 1 small one for my purse to take on drunken bar hoppings with my friends and another one when I want to get fancy dancy photographer like.

Gosh I've a lot to say today.

So last night on one of my message boards that I read regularly, someone posted a link to a pseudo dating site, and hell I was loopy from a drink and sheer exhaustion, i filled it out. So far I've got no takers. He're my profile "Love happens" HA! isnt that funny. Its the dorkiest non dating site ever. I've made some changes, to it today which it hasnt updated yet. I was just clicking random shit on some of their questions.

So I think thats everything up to now, where i'm sitting here still in my jammies, eating keebler e.l. fudge cookies, people watching as they walk past my window, and just relaxing.

I'm going out to dinner and a movie with glenn tonight, he says he's just being spontaneous. We are going to see Over the Hedge.

HA.. love happens.. I still giggling over that one.

Beat of my own Drum

I wish I had the energy right now to write everything I wanted to. But I must get to sleep. After 2 nights of little sleep (5 hours of sleep on friday night and 2 hours of sleep (if that) last night and an 11 hour shift today at work (which was only suposed to be a 9 hour shift. I'm a bit tired and am overusing ().

Me and the trazadone will hang out and I'll.... hmm lost my train of thought again. Must sleep.

What a good boy

5 hours of sleep, til a dream i was falling off a cliff. I woke up at 9am after falling asleep shortly after 4am after taking a trazadone.

Got a message early this morning i'm pulling a 10 hour shift today.

My right knee is swollen. I'm on 800 mg of motrin right now to ease the pain.

goodboy indeed.

Off I go to saturdays short staffed hell. 2 of my co-workers called in sick today. And saturdays are always a madhouse.

weeeeeeeeeee!

And i look pretty good today in my utilikilt and black tank. Its still gonna be a great day.

Just a Man

At work today, someone was getting thier wedding make up done and soon was going to get her hair done too. I thought, hey my wedding was on a friday too.

She looked beautiful. Happy and so full of love.. I could tell as she smiled.

However, I stood at my station today, and thought the following thought.. 'Just you wait lady, in 5 years he is going to resent you, sleep with someone else and kick your ass out, so Enjoy your special day.'

Cause your future husband is just a man, just like every other man. Just like a certain man I know.

Control

I was just about to shut down my computer to install my new phone stuff. But this song came on and I was like.. let me listen closer.. something was ringing true there.. Its Control, by Poe

some of the key lyrics I especially liked

Surprised you to find that Im laughing?
You thought that youd find me in tears
You thought Id be crawling the walls
Like a tiny mosquito and trembling in fear
....
While you were looking the other way
While you had your eyes closed
While you were licking your lips
cause I was miserable
While you were selling your soul
While you were tearing a hole in me

I was taking control
....

This lyric here was the one that sold it for me however.

You thought you could keep me from loving
You thought you could feed on my soul
But while you were busy destroying my life
What was half in me has become whole

Thoughtout all of this I still feel whole. I still feel great about myself and who I am as a person. I know where i came from. I know I was a mess. I know I had depression. Let me state that again. I HAD depression. But I'm whole now. I'm whole and want to show the world who I am. I'm whole and i want to feel the love that I deserve. Cause I've got years of love to catch up on, years of love that I was never able to feel before. Years of everything that I wasnt able to see clearly.

Its my time now. Sure I'm sad about the years of MY life that I lost due to all of this, but look how many years I have ahead of me. Sure I'm sad at all the sex I could of had, but when one isnt able to feel it emotionally.. ah... But today is a new day.

I'm still angry and hurt. But I'm still happy with who I am.
Still doesnt mean that I dont miss him terribly.. I do. Its just I want to share all of this goodness and love with him. But he is to blind from the years of build up of resentment towards me to see it.

But damn, I feel good. I slept good last night. thank you trazadone!

Soon I'm going to make some t-shirts, I'm hoping to make some money. I hope anyway. A little side business thingy. I figure if cafepress and t-shirt hell can make stupid sirts and people buy them I certainly can to. Nothing is stopping me now. Especially not me.

zero

One other thing for tonight.

I havent been eating as much the past few days. I've finally found the "your too upset to eat gene".

And tonight as I walked to the bar in the rain, I reached the epitome of pitiful as i was suckin the cheese off the wrapper of my mcdonalds double cheeseburger, i paid a 1.09 for. That was my whole dinner.

She's Your Cocaine

So I got to the bar, with wet pant legs and matted down hair from the rain as I walked to the club.

I sat there alone for a while. I dont really know how long. 2 drinks worth. But eventually james came in and we sat and talked a bit. Sensei showed up later and we danced a lot. It was fun to dance around my curls swinging and bouncing around my head. I had fun dancing around and tried to make the best of it all.

Still that first hour at the bar is haunting my thoughts, much like the rest of my life right now.

I just cant get over this. This thought of my husband with someone else. I love this man and he's out fooling around with someone else. Oh right.. being comforted, sorry.
I just never expected him to do it that fast, To fall into someone elses arms. He told me the other night that he should of did it months ago, so "real" cheating intead of "separating" then cheating.

It as far as I know was a whole month, maybe more maybe less that he went from
"not wanting to get into another relationship" til fucking someone the first week I was moved out of the house. Sorry.. being comforted.

I'm so.. I'm so.. I dont know. i was actually almost physically sick at the bar when I thought about it. I actually almost left the bar before any of my friends arrived, just because i felt so sick, just thinking about MY husband, my love of my life, my hunny bunny, my friend, finding "comfort" in someone elses arms.

Still I cant see myself dating, I cant. I cant see myself, seeing anyone else. He's had months to move on. I've had what.. a month a little more. Still I am keeping hope alive that this will all resolve itself in time. Perhaps its dumb for me to even consider it, but I'm keeping this ring on my finger.

I'm so hurt and angry right now, its hard to think straight. I better take a trazadone.. or else I'll never sleep tonight. And yet, since he is being comforted by another, I have no idea what he is going thru.. still communication is non existant.. that communication that could of prevented this fuckin mess.

Why do I still love him? I've certainly been asking myself that question a hell of a lot these past few days. It's nothing I can describe, I just do.

eventually this blog will get more beyond this pain and bitterness.. i promise. right now, this is just all I have to get these emotions out of me. I certainly cant voice them anywhere else, and HE certainly doesnt want to hear it anymore.