Bravado

OOOH do I got a lot to say but its gonna have to wait til the next post. But check this out. Heard this song in the bar tonight and It was RIIIIIIIIIIIINging fuckin clear in my head.

Music is my muse. Music is what got me thru so many hard times in the past, and music is whats going to get me thru this... song lyrics that I heard before that I feel like i'm hearing again for the first time. Song lyrics that suddenly have a whole new meaning to me.

this is No Doubts Sunday Morning most of it anyway.

Sappy pathetic little me
That was the girl I used to be
You had me on my knees
I'd trade you places any day
I'd never thought you could be that way
But you looked like me on Sunday

You came in with the breeze
On Sunday morning
You sure had changed since yesterday
Without any warning
I thought I knew you
I thought I knew you
I thought I knew you well...so well

You're trying my shoes on for a change
They look so good but fit so strange
Out of fashion, so I can complain


Chorus
I know who I am, but who are you?
You're not looking like you used to
You're on the other side of the mirror
So nothing's looking quite as clear
Thank you for turning on the lights
Thank you, now you're the parasite
I didn't think you had it in you
And now you're looking like I used to!

You came in with the breeze
On Sunday morning
You sure have changed since yesterday

OOh that just feels so good. I had a fabulous day today. Well besides the work part.. but at least I was getting almost 16 an horu for that shit. I walked about 6.5 miles today. Map of my travels in my next post. I spent most of my time alone, thinking about being alone, thinking about isolating myself. And yet still interacting with others. AH,,, tis a great day that you can walk almost 7 miles in birk sandals and still have a smile on your face.

I made a friend smile today and thats the highlight of my day right there. To know that even in my current state I can still do something for my friends even as they try to do stuff for me, cause I'm in such a weird emotional state.
I feel so good having them all in my life, and I think about them constantly.

gosh this post which wasnt going to be my long post is gonna wind up pretty long anyway.

Ok so like today, I was wandering in Macy's dress section and something a friend wrote to me sang in my head as i was flipping thru a bargain rack of gowns... my friend wrote to me in a letter/package "I'll never see red without thinking of you" which to some may seem a bit odd... but to me its just beautiful and means so damn much. I Held a red gown in my hands and determined, hell I could make it better. So i left it there. however, there was a lovely cream colored dress that was Oh my gosh lovely, however it was a size 8 and this size 12 body isnt going to see that any time soon even at 100$ for the dress.

Ok.. Its only 10:14.. and i'm sipping on yet another drink and this post is way to long. And yet I have so much more to say. I'm in a great mood. I miss my husband terriblely. I thought about him a lot today on my travels. I thought about him and what he has said to me, about letting him go, about his scrabble girl, about him finding another "fuck buddy", about him... And me thinking ah.. another lyrics
Joan Osborne, Hallelujah

Like a needle going in
Into the shining city skin
Oh I recall the moment when you ruined me for other men

He found someone to fuck.. just like that. .. easy peasy. its just sex right. It doesnt mean anything right? Met her, fucked her, scrabbled with her..and finding yet someone else to fuck. FUCK FUCK FUCK. cause it doesnt mean anything.

it may have seemed to never mean anythign to me but it did.
And now I've got no one.. one of my favorite songs before I went out to the bars in college was "someone to love" by queen, cause thats what I was looking for, well i found him. Now he is only looking for someone to fuck, cause I guess he cant love anymore.

gosh i'm still a bitter bitch arent I. But I just feel ruined. Ruined for other men... I finally found a man I could trust with all that I am, and whats he doing, he is "playing scrabble" with someone else. ..woo more lyrics..

Conventioneers, Barenaked Ladies

I followed your perfume out away from all the rabble
Right up to your room for a drink and travel scrabble
You, stationed in the warm glow of the t.v.
Too patient as Im playing l(1)o(1)v(4)e(1)

And we laugh...and we laugh...and we laugh
And we have to or well end up in the bath

Now were in the bath, Im already thinking marriage
I know that in the past it was something Id disparage
You turned down all the lights, I lit the candles
We rolled around in robes and hotel sandals

ah... i've had now 8 drinks and this post became everything and yet there is still more about this evening i havent even touched on. Will anyone read to the bottom of this epic thing? Dont know.. dont care. It feels good to write it all down.

I walked almost 7 miles in sandals, and all I thought about was 2 things, my own happiness and my husband and how i wish he was sharing it all with me.