the maker

If you were here
I know that you would
Truly be amazed
At what's become of what you made
If you were here
You would know how I treasured every day
How every single word you spoke
Echo's in me like a memory of hope

When you were here
You could not feel the value that I placed
On every look that crossed your face
When you were here
I did not know just how I had embraced
All that you hid behind your face
Could not hide from me
'Cause it hid in me too

Poe's If you were here.

So we talked last night for gosh.. almost 2 1/2 hours about lots of things. And I was upfront and down right crude asking about his escapades with the FWB. Cause I'm into that I really dont care state anymore. He said he doesnt love her. He doesnt love me.. so in that we are equal, cept for the fact that she gets to fuck my husband and I don't.

He told me the name of her three cats, one was chaos, cant remember the other two. Its unimportant.
everyone asks why I want to know so much about her. It some ways it helps with the pain. For to have something tangible to sink my teeth into instead of a idea "just a woman" "just a friend". With something tangible its easier for me to personify her and objectify her as what she is. Therefore its easier to remove her from my mode of thinking, instead of coming up with my own logic of who she is and trying to figure out what she is, what she's like and so forth. I think the word is catharis.

Main Entry: ca·thar·sis
Pronunciation: k&-'thär-s&s
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural ca·thar·ses /-"sEz/
Etymology: New Latin, from Greek katharsis, from kathairein to cleanse, purge, from katharos
1 : PURGATION
2 a : purification or purgation of the emotions (as pity and fear) primarily through art b : a purification or purgation that brings about spiritual renewal or release from tension
3 : elimination of a complex by bringing it to consciousness and affording it expression

So he doesnt love me. He didnt love me when we met either.
He feels guilty that he is hurting me and breaking my heart.
I feel guilty cause I didnt get "better" fast enough. If I would of snapped out of this just a month or two prior could all of this been avoided? Who knows. Only the mysteries of the universe know that answer. But what has happened happene. And it must of happened for a reason.

Today on my 2 walks to goodwill, I thought about all the times I would lay awake at night after having to turn him down again and again. Wishing I could do anything sexual, just yelling inside my head at myself to just feel something, anything. Wishing I didnt have to turn him down again and the guilt.. Oh my gosh the guilt. The guilt that still haunts me to today. But the sex thing. All me. I couldnt do it as much as I wanted to, in my heart I wanted to do it was just getting my mind and body to respond. Unfortunatly it started responded to late... the damage was already done. But now that damns been busted open and I'm just.. well taking matters into my own hands. Much like he had to do for most of our marriage. I feel awful. No I feel worse than awful. All he wanted to do is show his love to me and I couldnt accept it because I couldnt accept it as what it was. I couldnt accept it cause I didnt know how to. And when I finally learned how to be open and accept it, it was all over and done with.

Gah.. fuckin depression. FUCK YOU DAD! FUCK YOU STEPMOTHER! Fuck you for ruining my life. Your damn right i'm blaming them. Thier years of putting me down with thier mental abuse and saying I wasnt good enough or smart enough and all those other things I've had to let go in therapy and in my life. You ruined me for a great guy, who finally showed me the way out of the hole that you put me into. Well I'm not going back in that hole again. Sure I'm sad about this separation and its pain sometimes is unbearable. But I know Who i am now. I know how good I am. I make my own happiness now. Maybe someday I will get to make more happiness with the man I love.

I know what I want in this life. I have desires and goals to obtain. I've ideas and different avenues to take. Lets see how this ride contiues.

Gosh this one got long. I just feel good today. No.. i feel great today. And I got some cute things at goodwill for work!

I feel great.