She's Your Cocaine

So I got to the bar, with wet pant legs and matted down hair from the rain as I walked to the club.

I sat there alone for a while. I dont really know how long. 2 drinks worth. But eventually james came in and we sat and talked a bit. Sensei showed up later and we danced a lot. It was fun to dance around my curls swinging and bouncing around my head. I had fun dancing around and tried to make the best of it all.

Still that first hour at the bar is haunting my thoughts, much like the rest of my life right now.

I just cant get over this. This thought of my husband with someone else. I love this man and he's out fooling around with someone else. Oh right.. being comforted, sorry.
I just never expected him to do it that fast, To fall into someone elses arms. He told me the other night that he should of did it months ago, so "real" cheating intead of "separating" then cheating.

It as far as I know was a whole month, maybe more maybe less that he went from
"not wanting to get into another relationship" til fucking someone the first week I was moved out of the house. Sorry.. being comforted.

I'm so.. I'm so.. I dont know. i was actually almost physically sick at the bar when I thought about it. I actually almost left the bar before any of my friends arrived, just because i felt so sick, just thinking about MY husband, my love of my life, my hunny bunny, my friend, finding "comfort" in someone elses arms.

Still I cant see myself dating, I cant. I cant see myself, seeing anyone else. He's had months to move on. I've had what.. a month a little more. Still I am keeping hope alive that this will all resolve itself in time. Perhaps its dumb for me to even consider it, but I'm keeping this ring on my finger.

I'm so hurt and angry right now, its hard to think straight. I better take a trazadone.. or else I'll never sleep tonight. And yet, since he is being comforted by another, I have no idea what he is going thru.. still communication is non existant.. that communication that could of prevented this fuckin mess.

Why do I still love him? I've certainly been asking myself that question a hell of a lot these past few days. It's nothing I can describe, I just do.

eventually this blog will get more beyond this pain and bitterness.. i promise. right now, this is just all I have to get these emotions out of me. I certainly cant voice them anywhere else, and HE certainly doesnt want to hear it anymore.