Slow Like Honey
Is kind of how I feel like I'm moving towards healing. No one said this was going to be easy. Love isnt a switch you can just turn off.
My therapist said that in some way Glenn will always be part of my life, even if he isnt apart of my life anymore. Its a lot to think about. The memories of our life together will always be with me. Photographs and momentos, are one thing but the memories that fused themself to my soul and psyche arent going anywhere.
Today was a decent day (in that short time I was gone from the apartment) I found a little yard sale and I bought something with my remaining monies. I got a Ballard baseball shirt for 1.50. After I got done reading a chapter in the book I set out to remove the little league patch from the side of the sleeve. Why I got that shirt, It had the number 34 on the back. I turn 34 next month. Maybe my coworkers will do something for me.
I thought about my year 33, I overcame a huge obstacle in my life. Something that was really holding me back emotionally and physically. But, today I'm happy. I'm miserable, but as a person and as a whole I'm happy with who I am and where I am.
So many thoughts fill this head of mine, and its just easy to write them all down. I was realizing whats missing in my life, well love, but its more than that. Its all the sensory stuff that comes with love. Smell, touch, taste, sight and sound, its all of those of his presense thats missing. I'm a very sensory person and thats no longer in my life and I think thats one of my new obstacles I have to get past
When I went into the house today I noticed it smelled different.
Then we get to the distractions. All those dates, (all 3 of those dates) were just distractions to how I was feeling. Music is a distraction and now that I'm finding myself engrossed in this book, it too is a distraction from what I'm currently feeling. I keep trying to distract myself from how I'm feeling as if I dont want to feel it. Well, I dont want to feel it. But I know soon I'm going to have to force myself to really come to terms with it and there wont be any more distractions to keep me from it. I just hope at the end of the crash that I know is coming that I can learn from the strenght I've gained over the years and get myself up again. I know I will... its just how badly will my heart be damaged at the end of it.
Something keeps me going though, something keeps my hopes up, something keeps me moving. I'm still hopefull that this will all work out. Its just something I just have to do.
My therapist said that in some way Glenn will always be part of my life, even if he isnt apart of my life anymore. Its a lot to think about. The memories of our life together will always be with me. Photographs and momentos, are one thing but the memories that fused themself to my soul and psyche arent going anywhere.
Today was a decent day (in that short time I was gone from the apartment) I found a little yard sale and I bought something with my remaining monies. I got a Ballard baseball shirt for 1.50. After I got done reading a chapter in the book I set out to remove the little league patch from the side of the sleeve. Why I got that shirt, It had the number 34 on the back. I turn 34 next month. Maybe my coworkers will do something for me.
I thought about my year 33, I overcame a huge obstacle in my life. Something that was really holding me back emotionally and physically. But, today I'm happy. I'm miserable, but as a person and as a whole I'm happy with who I am and where I am.
So many thoughts fill this head of mine, and its just easy to write them all down. I was realizing whats missing in my life, well love, but its more than that. Its all the sensory stuff that comes with love. Smell, touch, taste, sight and sound, its all of those of his presense thats missing. I'm a very sensory person and thats no longer in my life and I think thats one of my new obstacles I have to get past
When I went into the house today I noticed it smelled different.
Then we get to the distractions. All those dates, (all 3 of those dates) were just distractions to how I was feeling. Music is a distraction and now that I'm finding myself engrossed in this book, it too is a distraction from what I'm currently feeling. I keep trying to distract myself from how I'm feeling as if I dont want to feel it. Well, I dont want to feel it. But I know soon I'm going to have to force myself to really come to terms with it and there wont be any more distractions to keep me from it. I just hope at the end of the crash that I know is coming that I can learn from the strenght I've gained over the years and get myself up again. I know I will... its just how badly will my heart be damaged at the end of it.
Something keeps me going though, something keeps my hopes up, something keeps me moving. I'm still hopefull that this will all work out. Its just something I just have to do.
posted by B at 3:07 PM
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