Release the Pressure

So I havent gone to bed yet. I was sitting here after I finished my lowly chicken breast and decided I needed chocolate, not just wanted chocolate. NEEDED chocolate. So off to the market.

I got a .32 of chocolate covered raisens and some chocolate ice cream from a small local ice cream company. I feel satisfied. I'll probably stay up to midnight now.

Its been a while since I've done something like that. But my body was just screaming out for some good chocolate.

I also relized somethign else today. I dont ever want to cook anymore, due to my wee little kitchen. The lack of counter space is hindering my desire. That and the lack of dishwasher and tiny sink. I used to love to cook.Not that I made anything fancy or anything like that, but now I just dont want to. I just dont have the space. I was thinking maybe I would make a lasagna or something like that and i was wondering just where I would try to put it alltogether. There isnt anywhere to do that. And the dishes afterwards? Forget about it. It would take me forever.

On my walk tonight I saw a young couple swinging on the swings near the grocery store. There were two cars parked in the lot. And I started creating a story in my head that this was the safest place for them to meet and to swing.

I also heard this david gray song

My oh my you know it just don't stop
It's in my mind I wanna tear it up
I've tried to fight it tried to turn it off
But it's not enough
It takes a lotta love
It takes a lotta love my friend
To keep your heart from freezing
To push on till the end
My oh my you know I just can't win
I burn it down it comes right back again
What kinda world is this we're living in
where you never win
It takes a lotta love
It takes a lotta love these days
To keep your heart from freezing
To keep your spirit free

My Oh My, David gray

17 work days til playa.
Ok thats all for tonight.

The Show Must Go On

I worked my ass off today. Or at least a small chunk of it. I'm beat. I'm more than beat, i'm beaten.

And yet through all the day, I kept that smile on my face, greeted people with the happiest of happy expressions, even though my insides were crying for sleep and a chair. My feet, in agony, even though i'm wearing the comfy shoes.

My coworkers wanted me to go out with them to see a band play tonight. But I told them I had to pass. It was inventory day today and for 7 1/2 out of the 8 hours I was at work I was putting it away. Lifting box after box. So much inventory. I feel bad, I really wanted to join them. But I feel like I ran a marathon today with all the lifing, bending and placing on shelves I did today. I'm sore. I ache.

So my white dress is officially ruined but it will live again in a new color after I order the dye for it. I think its going to be red. I will start making it again after I get my two quilt squares done. Then I think I need to create one last garmet for the playa this year. I just dont know what yet.

Rent is due tomorrow.
Did I mention I was tired. I thinK i will just eat this chicken breast and go to sleep.

Still living one day at a time. Still missing someone.
I started reading a new self help book about mending my broken heart. I dont like this one. Its basically saying, just use these helpful tricks to start hating them and then you will be over them. I'm like WTF? So I may return it. It did however have some other helpful suggestions.

I hope I sleep better tonight. My mind was just all a sprint last night and around 3 I took a half of a trazadone to sleep. But Life. Life is ok. I still feel fabulous. And I've started inviting people to the bar on saturday night for my birthday. Just something small and casual.

My mind is all over the place with this post. Heh.
Gah chicken is still raw in the middle as i just learned as i was testing it. Back on the pan it goes. Tomorrow I may cook that little chunk of steak I got.

Ok I think thats it.
The show must go on. My smile will stay on.
The show must go on.

Mrs. Jesus

Went to a great party last night. So good in fact, I have to go to bed to make up for some lost sleep. As I got home after 4am.
Danced a lot with everyone.
I was feeling super sexy last night and I was holding and touching and grabbing anything I could get my hands on.
I even cuddled in the cuddle puddles. It felt good to be held and touched and kissed. Even if I dont even know who they were. I dont care.

And I looked amazing.

I hope someone got a better picture. if not. Hell I know I looked good.

So with the good comes the bad.

Today I got a talking to at work. It seems I've been having to many "down" days and its affecting my job performance. They want me to put all my homelife troubles behind me and just do my job. I was pretty much told to either get over it or get out. That yes it sucks what your going through, but it cant affect work any longer.

I spent a lot of money in the past few days. With getting my new drivers license, new shower head and the 40$ in cabs to and from the party. And so many other little things. One of my coworkers wants me to go out on monday. I just dont know if i can. PLus I gotta get started on my two quilt squares.

I may also need to remake the dress pictured above, seems i got creative in my cranberry juice spilling. I'm going to try to get the stain out but I dont know if it will come out or not. If not. I may just soak the rest of the dress in cranberry juice and make another one.

But last night was a lot of fun and I just felt so alive and at peace with myself. Not to mention how many compliments i got on my dress. Made me feel good. Real good.

I'm turning 34 soon. I wonder what this year will hold for me.

He's Back

Over and over in my head I'm planning my tomorrow and everything I have to get accomplished.

Laundry, dmv, back to downtown to return the shower head.

I hope glenn remembers to set out the digital camera for me to take to the party.

I didnt go out tonight. Instead I went to ballard market got some food, and sat and watched part of a movie. I had a couple screwdrivers to go with the movie, cause i thought it would be funny. Er... I thought the movie would be funny, not the screwdrivers.

Its less than a month til I head to the playa alone. I feel bad that I'm not helping out my campmates more. I feel weird that I'm not working on a project for the playa. Cept for the fact that I'm currently my own project.

I had some really deep thoughts the other day about Glenn and I. But right now isnt the best time. Its going to be a long and rough day tomorrow.

I better get to bed.

Trust is just as rare as devotion. A line from a Rush song glenn posted in his blog. I've been thinking a lot about that line.

Could Have Gone Mad

Went downtown shortly before lunch today. Got a chicken snacker thing at mickie d's. Which was just a breaded chicken tender stuffed in a tortilla with some lettuce. Odd. But it served its purpose. I didnt finish the tortilla.

Went into macy's first to look at the shoes. tried on one pair and it was a contender.
THen went in search of a new showerhead.
Found a decent looking one and purchased it. *

OFf to nordstroms. CRAZY CRAZY nordstroms, it was so noisy and crowded. I looked around and really didnt see anything that wow'd me. I tried on 3 pairs there and one was cute, but I just didnt think they were me.

So off to the Nordstrom rack I went. I found 2 pairs of sandal heels 56$ dollars later, I had my first pair of sexy shoes. Content with that I hopped on the bus to come home. Stopped at safeway to pick up some things.
And came home to work on nothing but the dress.

Which is done, cept for the sash. Which may or may not get hemmed up. I will decide that tomorrow.

I managed to scrach my boob with one of the pins. Damn naked sewing.

Today however was a good day. I felt cute. I saw myself in the tv monitor at one of the stores and I just kinda stared at myself for a bit. I was like Hey.. you look pretty good. Sure still a little pudgy in the belly area, but not bad.

Its 7pm now and I'm trying to decide what I want to do with myself for dinner. I COULD go to the pub again. It is thursday after all.

Tomorrow, I gotta do laundry and go get my drivers license renewed.
*I will also be returning said showerhead, cause it sucks more than my last one! The damn thing wont even hold up the shower head. It just keeps flopping down. The tilty position the shower head thing, wont hold up the shower head. damn thing. Back downtown I go. Its gonna be a busy day.

I need a shower!

Gah.. wish I had someone to go out with tonight.

Bathwater

Just about to run back to work. But just wanted to write. I look fucking great today and I feel fabulous! Its the perfect temperature outside and I'm happy.

And I got my dress all in one piece now, still have to attach the dreaded zipper! EEEEE!

I'm going to look so fuckin hot on friday night. Watch out boys... RebA's kickin ass and taking names.

The More I See

(copied from a post i just wrote on another message board, with some additions)

Working til 10pm last night and having to get up for a 8am meeting this morning. Being an insomniac and having to take medication to get me to sleep last night against my body clock. Not sleeping well** and being completly incapacitated this morning for said meeting. **due thinking about my situation and how I wish it was differnt and ways I can try to make it better and also just being an insomniac.

Meeting runs late, leaving me no time for sewing for a dress that needs to be finished by friday.

Getting home, payed bills. Check the time and realize i have to be back at work in less than an hour.

Hop in shower, break showerhead, water shoots all over bathroom. Try to take off showerhead, get blood blister on thumb. Realize landlord didnt leave old showerhead, so I had a very forcefull full on direct pressure shower. And unless I can get up really early tomorrow to walk down to fred meyer, i'm stuck until thursday.

No time for lunch, before leaving for work.

Its hot and I've got chunky inner thighs which reguarlly leaves out wearing skirts (which is why i never wore them) cause of the chaffing. So today I'm wearing black pants, and its going to be just shy of 90 degrees today.

Got a stress zit sometime between getting home fromthe meeting and right now, which goes quite well with this enourmous zit thats half on the inside of my nose and half on the outside.

Blah. And to think yesterday was a good day.

She Says

Had a wonderful day today. Got some sewing done in the morning, took a cool shower, put on my pretty sundress and headed to work.

Todays weather got hot.And I just wasnt in the mood to sweat and walk all the way home for my lunch, so I treated myself to a other coast sub. Chicken salad. I LOOOOVE the chicken salad and it just made my day so much better.

Work was actually pleasent today as well. All in all today I was happy. Good days are good to have.

I'm heading to bed in a few moments, for tomorrow I have to be up for an 8am meeting. Then I have work from 12-9.. so its gonna be a long day. I'm coming home during the 2 hour "break" that i have, will get more sewing done on the dress and shower, pay some bills and head back to the store.

I just feel really good today. dont know why... but not going to question it either. I'll take any good days I can get.

The only thing thats eh.. is this enourmous and I mean enourmous zit on my nose. And it hurts like hell. But at least i can laugh about it.

I'm going to bed smiling tonight.

Pumping on Steel

I was thinking about a post I wrote on one of my message boards and I did a search to find it. The date is sometime in march of 2006.

Posted: Mar Thu 2006 11:10 Post subject:
At times I still cant believe we have been married for(just shy of) 5 years. I think its been so fast to be 5 years. I feel like is just not possible.

A lot has changed in that time, but not our love for one another. It got me to thinking about our vows and our ceremony. I looked on my computer and found the text of the service. It still brings tears of love to my eyes. I still remember how much I choked up when I had to say my part.

Just like yesterday.. but better.

gah.. i'm a mess now. what can i say, i'm a woman in love.

I remember writing that, and getting all weepy with the love in my heart for him. MARCH! Probably just a few days before the shit hit the fan. Just makes me think about how blindsided by this I really was. March..

I had found other posts too from me saying that I was becoming a computer geek widow when his work had called for his department to put in very late nights and how much I was going to miss him, miss spending time with him in the evenings.

March.

Fragments of Freedom

I had to stick the knife in my heart just another time. I looked at our wedding pictures today and I'm looking at them in disbelief that in perhaps a few months its all going to be over.

I look at pictures and I can't believe it or understand it for that matter. That man at my side is the one thats now screwing around with 2 other women, and says he doesnt love me.

Today I contemplated a lot.. I thought about if/when the axe blade falls how will I cope.
I also wondered would I ever be able to trust again?
Would I ever be able to love again?
Or is it after this heartbreak would my heart be irrepairably damaged.

I gave him all I had and then some and it wasnt enough. The man who promised and vow'd to me that he would love me til the end of our tomorrows. Maybe I'm just a romantic at heart and believe in the power of love.

So I thought about my life, without him. And it wasnt pretty.
I thought about all the things in my life that I wont get to do. As to why? Well one was going to be a king sized quilt for our bed, that had pieces of my wedding gown. No need to do that now.
Guess I dont need to finish that wedding scrapbook either (ha!)
I may never get to meet his family in mexico, i always wanted to.

I also looked at pictures I took of him tonight. Pictures I took with love and I can see the love in his eyes. I loved taking pictures of him. He uses those pictures now in his various personal ad's. (which he has since taken down). Pictures of him on rainier, tahoe, burning man, utah, a pumpkin patch and so forth. I looked at them all and just pondered about what is love.

I also pondered is if I'm still in love. I am.
I'm bit banged up thats for sure.

I just wondered a lot is if I will ever find anyone like him again, someone to love me. Is there another him out there somewhere, a kind hearted soul, a generous spirit, a free thinker and so much more.

Sure its too soon to be considering this, but is it?
I don't want to live without him, however I also do not want to be alone (in this shitty apartment) for the rest of my life either.

In other news... gotta stop thinking about it. I got my electric bill today, this never being home thing has its perks, my bill was less than 30$ for 3 months.

I got the fabric I needed and did some more work on the dress tonight.
I also picked up 2 fat quarters for the quilt blocks that I said i would make for nathan's quilts.

Work was eh today, it was really warm and I was sweating as I stood still. I may take a cool shower before bed.

Sometimes the cure is worse than the disease.

Grievance

There may not be another man in the role of lover/partner/husband in your world for a long time or perhaps never again

Oofy. Well isnt that hopefull.

There are somedays that the weight of this separation doesnt get to me. Today is not one of those days. Everything is going wrong with me today.

I'm trying to get this dress done for a party on friday and I realize I cut something wrong, which is going to have me going back to joanns for more fabric after my hair is dry and as I'm heading to work.

In the shower today, my shower head keeps tilting down and wont stay in the tilted up position no matter how much I swear at it. So basically i took my shower right next to the wall.

The little grey pill bug corpses still are gathering all over my house.
Had to kill yet another spider and 2 pantry moths again today. Just when I thought that annoyance was over (pantry moths).

I'm stressing out about burning man. Not about the event so much but the drive. Oh yea.. I'm going.

One of my computer screens keeps freaking out in its desired size, sometimes it wants to be wider then its settings. But then it makes this loud pop and goes back to its "real" setting.

But today is just awful so far. I hate this apartment. Hate it. And I'm stuck here for a year.

And now I have to go plaster a smile on this face and be happy for 9 hours. When all I want to do is tell them to go fuck themselves.

Count on my love

I'm heading to bed soon. real soon. Still havent done a real post yet and I really do have lots to say.

I got home a little bt from the peoples pub, walked up 17th and saw glenn wasnt home or at least his car wasnt there.

I had a good evening, I had a great day and I look great.

ON my walk home I began to question myself on love and what it means to me.
So much to say, and I'm to tired to type it.
Its just shy of midnight, I talked to some great guys at the bar tonight. It was fun I came home and ate a little bit of my colby/jaack block.

But now its time for sleep.
Soon a real post....promise.

Mountain Song

"Everything To Me"

I bet it makes you laugh
Watching me work so hard to reach you
You never gave a damn
About all of those things I did to please you

All that you wanted, you found somewhere else
And nothing could drag you away from yourself

Do you really know me at all?
Would you take the time to catch me if I fall?
Are you ever gonna be that real to me?
Everything to me

Lucky I've been through hell
Backroads and shortcuts I know them well
Baby just stick with me
We'll make it together, just wait and see

Do you really know me at all?
Would you take the time to catch me if I fall?
Are you ever gonna be that real to me?
Everything to me

The walls they close in
The air it goes out
We're left with nothing but a shadow of doubt
Nobody talks, no one is here
It's just you and me

Do you really know me at all?
Would you take the time to catch me if I fall?
Are you ever gonna be that real to me?
Everything to me

Do you really know me at all?
Would you take the time to catch me if I fall?
Are you ever gonna be that real to me?
Everything to me

I bet it makes you laugh
Watching me work so hard to reach you

Liz Phair.

A real post to come tomorrow sometime when I'm sober and awake. But I heard this song today and I felt like posting its lyrics cause they feel just right to me. Its been a while since i posted anything and I have some things i want to write about. But not right now. Its just not right.

This Love

He almost always has a new woman lined up; you're dumped for somebody else

...Mosdt men who leave do so because they're involved withsomeone new. Very rarely does a man go from something to nothing.

He ended all that, in a way that was hurtful, fairly unexpected and bsolutely unequivocal.

The explanation, such as it was, may have been that he wasn't sure he wanted to be married any more, that he wasnt ready to get married, that he didnt think you two were right for each other, that he was in love with someone else, that there absolutly wasnt someone else but he hust had to have space, that you had both had changed and there was no sense in continuing, or any variation of the above.

You know, you and I don't have that much in common

He encourages your private pursuits. ...He wants you to start feeling as separate from him ashe is feeling from you.

Maybe one or some of these signs and signals register in your consciousness, and you feel damn sure there's more to this than meets the eye. Of course you will work it out, you think because the two of you together have been the center of everything. Then one day he says: I can't go on with this any longer.
I'm not happy.
This isn't working, We're very different people.
I want out.

The above is from a book i'm reading called Dumped. Its funny reading all of that, some of it almost word for word things he said to me, as if he read the book first to figure out how to dump me.

I'm just starting the book, but I bet its going to be very helpful reading to me in the next few chapters.

I had a great day today. I was smiling and feeling great about myself. And tonight (a saturday night), I'm gonna sit here at home open a bottle of wine and read my new book. Uh.. that is til i got to the line that says "Don't drink alone".

Maybe I will just read the book.

I can't get my head around it

Today at the gym I noticed something. Me.
I kept looking at my reflection in the mirror and liked what I saw. And in some weird way i kept staring at myself cause I was like wow, my eyes look amazing. I feel so amazing today. I feel sexy. thats something I never thought I would ever say about myself.

Maybe a couple naps and a invigorating elliptical training experience today pushed me out of my moodiness.

I feel good today. really good. Alive and happy. And I look pretty damn cute tonight too.

Things will be ok. Sure I will be moody off and on, but I will be ok.

no, you don't

Yesterday I went to the gym and elliptical trainered for 1/2 hour, then went and sat in the sauna for 10 minutes before therapy.

then therapy and told her all the recent goings on, and she says I have to get mentally prepared for the... gosh I cant even type it.

After he told me he wont be going to burning man, its like the world has stopped around me.

I told her my feelings about never wanting to fall in love again cause I know I couldn't handle this heartbreak again. She said right now the way I feel is fine, cause i'm right in the center of the storm. And really cannot see beyond the pain. She is very concerned for me if... the end of our relationship does come. There I typed it. I told her if it did happen I would have to be committed. I told her that I had told Glenn, that I knew I would be with him for the rest of my life, and I'm not dead.

After therapy I took myself to see the Prada movie. It was predictable, I however didnt predict crying in the theater every time there was a romantic moment on the screen. Its like I cant even see people in love/lust without getting emotional.

I got home and got ready to head to the u-district for a "urban pub hike" it was cool. People were nice, but it felt so weird to me. Talked a lot about good beers with one of the guys as he is a writer for a local beer publication.

I took the bus back to Ballard, and walked home. And just thought, is this what my life is going to be like. A job that pays the rent, and random nights out with other singles.

I stayed up til around midnight and went to bed, a few nightmares involving Glenn woke me up. I went back to bed a couple times getting another 45 minute sleeps in. I just finished lunch and waiting for my stomach to settle a bit, as the nightmares did a number on me.

I will be heading to the gym for another workout and sauna sit.
I'm going over to the house tonight to watch stargate and do laundry.

I still haven't decided about burning man.

Cortez the Killer

I finally ate around 8pm last night. Approximately 20 hours without having anything but water. I was never hungry. And at first it hurt to eat. But I finally got something.

I still haven't decided on burning man yet. Everyone wants me to go. But I have to decide whats best for me, not best for everyone else.

I'm going over to the house on Friday to do laundry and watch Stargate.

Things Glenn has that I don't

His house: duplex actually, but its got a real sized kitchen, a real sized refrigerator, counter space.
My apartment: the wee kitchen, 2 1/2 feet of counter space (if that) A really obnoxiously short refrigerator that pisses me off on a daily basis.
House: cant really hear what the neighbors are doing, only if they really have their music up.
Apartment: Hear my upstairs neighbors phone conversations and music quite clearly.
House: Deck with a barbecue, front porch and full basement with lots of storage.
Apartment: ??? Got nothing here.
House: handmade curtains
apartment: mini-blinds

other things

him: a girlfriend, someone to talk with, hold hands with, sex with, go to the movies with, watch tv with, dinners out with, cats to play with, hug and cuddle with, laugh with, listen to music with, adventures with, drink with, and all the other things.
me: a blog.

Hand on Heart

Last night I got another bomb dropped on me.
Glenn has "officially" decided NOT to go to burning man. He however says, it would be a mistake for me not to go.
He offered a few suggestions on how I could get down there, but those were his opinions and suggestions and I don't think they would work.

I don't even know if I want to go without him. Its always been OUR trip. We were going since before we were even married. I cannot think of that event without thinking about experiences there with him. But it was always our trip. He says I should go alone. I dont want to be alone, sure I will be camping with friends, but thats different.

I want to go with him.

So I found out this news after work. I got off the phone around 11pm with him. Still hadnt had dinner. At around 12:30 I ate a turkey hotdog without the bun and the last remaining chunk of the velveeta light, it may of been an ounce or so. I hardly slept cause In my head I was trying to think of.. if I can go, if I want to go and how I want to go.

I dont know. He would say here to me... oh there you go again with your negative thinking. But thats not it at all. Its our trip and In my mind it will always be our trip.

I just can't stop crying this morning. I haven't cried this much in a long time about glenn.

I love him. I still do. Thats never going to change.

So I'm working on maybe 3 hours of sleep and no real food since 3pm yesterday. Go me. And hell that was just a frozen steak burrito. I can't eat, I cant sleep, some days its hard to even breathe. Yea me for getting out of depression.

Quartet

Only when you looked
Did I realise
Someone broke into your life
How we hurt and never show it
Come into my world hold me
In your arms
There's a mystery to the touch
How it heals so
When we're broken

I believe that all the fear you've had
Can gently fly away

We experience we hold together
Lost in one embrace

We will love forever (this eternity)
For in (this) love, I'm alive, I'm alive

Only when you spoke
Did I realise
How you understand this life

How you help me
With your eyesight

Only when we touched
Did it all come true
How you understand my life
How you helped me with your light

just part of the song. Just one more work day.

Ha.. the next song is something I can never have. I just want something I can never have.

Never say never, I say.

Answer

Well. I'm not at the gym like I wanted to be at this time. Had a rough time falling asleep, around one I got up and took a traz and waited patiently to get it to kick in.

Then around 7:20 a neighbor decided it would be a-ok to go banging around in his storage unit. Which is right next to my bedroom. So I wake up enough to stick my earplugs in and fall back to sleep. I awoke oddly at 8:40 and still mostly out of it.

I had 3 dreams with glenn in them last night.
I cant remember the first one, but the second one I was sitting in an office at a really messy desk, it was to be my desk and I was looking over the objects on the desk, a pile of papers, a few weird trinkets including a few dinosaur scuptures and stuffed beanbag ones too, and a small collection of books, cds and videos all mixed together in a little holding rack. However, some of the items were entirely covered in mold. He asked me how I liked my new desk. I said I was a bit skeeved out by the moldy items and was about to remove them when he stopped me. He then asked me to follow him while he made copies. As he bent over the copier to retrieve his copies I saw his face had mold on it.

3rd one, it was raining hard and I asked glenn as a favor to take me to Burger King as there was a "meet others" group event I wanted to attend. I got in line and he had to use the restroom. The restaurant was packed and in the time he was gone the line grew exponentially. As it twisted around the restaurant I saw him towards the end of the line. I mouthed "Do you want me to get your food?" He just mouthed "No". I asked "You sure?" He said yes. I continue waiting in line. The rain continuing outside. The crowd inside growing. I finally got to the counter and noticed all the easy to order signs had been removed, So i fumbled I'd like a chicken breast, grilled, with swiss, lettuce and tomato. And a double cheeseburger. He said I was in luck, as I got the last burger. He then leaned in close and whispered over the counter "who would of thought there were so many desperate single people". I waited for my food.

No clue what either of them mean. But I find it odd that I had 3 dreams with him in it. Kind of like a sub conscience revenge of the mind. I tried not to think about anything (to much) yesterday regarding it all to see if it would help my anxiety. It didnt help the anxiety to much, but now my dreams are being affected.

I'm finally starting to wake up and I feel pretty good this morning. Time to watch the rest of this weird movie.

Kicks after Six

Today was just an ordinary day. I wouldnt say it was good. It wasnt bad either.
My anxiety wasnt as bad as other days. Which was a plus.
The heavyness in my chest as well as a few other symptoms just never seem to go away these days.
I looked up the symptoms of anxiety, and it explained about the nausea thats an almost daily occurance. I never feel so nauseated that I get physically sick, just usually a queasyness/uneasyness.
Then theres the shaking, which could be from a low blood sugar or perhaps not.
And a few others, which theres no need to get into.

Something funny at work today, a lady came up to pay for her leg waxing, and I told her the price. She is like is that for 1 leg or two. I just cracked up right there. I was like yes, its for both legs. Spa humor.

Tonight I watched most of The Virgin Suicides. Very odd, but very short movie. Tomorrow I will watch the rest of it.

BUt today was, just average. One more day of work til I get a day off. Then I have to head to goodwill and buy some new pants as I've lost to much weight to keep any of my other pants up. I also need to find a couple more tops for summer.

I hope to fit in my polka dot dress by the end of the month. Cause it would be awesome to wear it on my birthday. Tomorrow I'm going to the gym. I feel the need to go. Tonights dinner was 1 chicken breast, some pasta roni shit, and a chocolate pudding with a small handfull of chocolate chips. One of these days I will eat a vegetable* again.

I got called to go out tonight with sensei at a fremont bar. I felt the need for quiet movie watching, some what of a real dinner, and going to bed early. I said, for him to keep me in mind for next week however.

I cancelled my reiki appointment. I didnt want to pay 50$ for it. So maybe I will just get my hair done instead. I need a cut. My hair looked so damn good today however, great curl formation. Its always a better day when my hair looks good. Today I looked pretty damn cute. And as I was walking back to work after my lunch, the wind was blowing just right, my hair bouncing and flowing in the breeze, I just felt so wonderful, I even strutted/modeled a little bit as if the sidewalk was a catwalk. Thinking about it makes me smile. Doing that made me smile even more. As if nature was helping me understand how beautiful I am. Gosh that sounds awful boastful doesnt it. But after 20+ years of thinking I was the ugliest thing, I have some ground to make up.

I have no regrets today.

*plant matter, not the brain dead.

Light My Way

Things that have made me happy in the past few days or so

watching part of an adult kickball game in the park
a yard completly overrun with these tall dandilion things.
seeing one of those Hula girl bobble things on the dash of a car that was waiting at a light.
Seeing the sun, seattle's summer
lots of tightly packed purple flowers, with a empty plastic coke bottle laying on top of them.
knowing i have 3 days off coming up real soon and I get to work on a lot of sewing
seeing the shadow of my curly hair bouncing around in the wind as i walk
random chance encounters with a friend.
my ringtone for my home phone
swiss cheese!
having a caring work environment
sexy silk skirts

Give it Away

Life is so fucking weird.

So the way I got drunk last night was due work actually. We had a big show/party thing and afterwards we all went to the bar together.

But then the night just got a little more stupid.
But you know what, I dont regret anything I do anymore. I own up to it, accept it. And just chalk it up to living my life the way I want to live my life. My choice, my decision and all that.

So I drunk dialed glenn. I'm sure I said something about asking to come over. So I went over, I ate a burrito and watched the end of chasing amy with him.

We talked more. Then thats when it gets really weird. He starts clicking around on his laptop and up appears a picture of a woman. Name of picture. dana.jpg.
It was her.
I said, your only showing me this to hurt me more arent you. He was like no, he says to me when you see us out at the bar some night you will know who it is. Again I repeat you only showed me that to hurt me. he asks, why would showing you her picture hurt you. In my mind i'm like DUH! However I said, so yea.. now I know who to beat the crap out of in the bar.

Straight auburn hair, glasses, and thin.

I then cried, cause she looked like a perfect match for him. She looks a little geeky and so does he.

I also begged glenn just to put me out of a misery. He for obvious reasons wouldnt.
We then had sex at 4am.
We slept and I came home around 8am and went back to bed, I was sleeping just fine and was quite cosy comfy laying naked next to him, like I always have. But i figured since I was awake it would just be best.

I'm prettier and don't smoke. She's a smoker.
But in my humble honest opinion, I'm much prettier.

So where does that leave me now. It leaves me trying to find acceptance and drawing every last bit of energy that I can find the patience. Patience with myself mostly.

But its always the same nagging feeling I have, I cannot accept that this marriage is over. Some people would call it denial, but not me. Something inside of me is telling me that it isnt.

But that spam email was right..here are some highlights

Never allow men who have "someone else" in their
life to keep sharing and expressing their feelings for you.
****
It's wrong on several levels... for you most of all.
When a man can have the affection of two women, and he's in a place where he's emotionally non-committed to either, odds are he will try to keep this situation going for as long as possible!
Not all men would do this, but men who are "unavailable", as it sounds your ex is, can continue multiple initimate situations at once.

You don't want to date a man that's in this place in his life..... and I know because I've been this guy in my past! NO AMOUNT of talking, experience or reasoning with him can get him to feel the way you want him to feel.
****

And I promise that you'll ruin your chances if you think you can "convince" him to come back to you through shows of affection, appeals to his desires or other "gifts" to bribe him.

*****

In fact, I'm sure he still likes to connect with
you when things are easy-going and he's not feeling
"pressure" around you.

*****

So thats it. I have to figure out how to move on and let him be him with out my nagging, begging, pleading, crying ass around.

And in other news, I'm drowning. I'm drowning in pain, the pain of the loss of a friend, well in a sense.. two friends. Nathans gone for good, and Glenn. My nerves are shot, I'm always seconds away from another crying jag. I'm still not eating enough. Oh I can't wait for my weekend. I need some serious alone time. I'm also going to go to work one day and get a reiki done again. Hopefully she can push some of this bad energy out of me so i can start my healing.

Life is so weird.

Safety Dance

All day today i was thinking about the temporary hiatus of my marriage. And for quite a while I kept thinkging. Its all my fault my marriage failed. All day long I kept having that thought haunt me. Its my fault its my fault. I had someone good, I had something wonderful and good and I fucked it up cause of my depression and I didint get help fast enough..

Then as I walked home I was like I didnt cause this depression, my parents did So yes I know I shouldof gotten help earlier,and it probably would of saved my marriage and my only chance at happy ness. BUt, my life is fcked up and my parents are one of the sole reasons why I wound up feeling the way I did about myself.

So now I have to think about my husband in the past tense, my marriage in the past.
Cause in a weird and twisted email I got earlier today . WaS this whole email about not trying to get back with ytour "ex" in any sort of way. cause it wont work. cause they are on another emotional place.

ya know.. I'm to fucked up to continue this. I miss and love my husband desperatly. BUt I know he is trying to find his way wth someone else. and I've got to accept thawt I"m not anythign but someones reject.

Fantastic Fabulous

I feel very weird today. Ok.. weirder than normal.
Very shakey and a little spastic. My chest feels so heavy, my head confused.

I asked a friend whether I should pay for match.com, she says, do you want to get back with your husband. I said yes. Then, she says, you shouldn't date other men. As its not fair to them. She's right. I was just trying to relieve a little bit of everything, frustration, boredom and who knows what else.

Tonight Glenn and I are going to the wake. I'm wearing my kilt.
I remember waking up around 5am this morning and just felt so happy to be alive. I then went back to sleep smiling. I am very happy and very lucky to have the people in my life that I have. There are some very caring people in my world and it makes me very happy.

I'm making more friends at work, so thats cool to. SOme of my work people really do care and are quite concerned since I've had a rough couple months since I started there. People are quite impressed with me actually, with how I'm holding myself together.

I got my velvet cape up on my dress form today. I was looking at it and trying to finally figure out how to sew that bottom together.
Cause I have a dress to make for burning man and I'm going to need that form empty.

I joined a "meet people in seattle" group today under a suggestion from a friend. Hopefully they will have some events my schedule will allow. I've got to work with what I have. I have the schedule that I like, and I just have to work around it to get out and meet others.

So, I'm not going to join match to get those 4 emails and probably soon will pull my profile down.

I still feel weird. Maybe its the fact that I have to go to the wake of a friend tonight with my husband. Maybe its cause i'm working on a day I normally have off. Life is weird.

Groovin' Hard

So on my way back from the bar, i had to make an emergency stop at glenns place. I wasnt allowed entrance cause he was "busy" ie.. too busy fuckin* someone else to allow me to pee. I didnt want to stop buy there was no way I was going to make it back to the house. I peed in the alley the next street up.

It was all i could do. I couldnt make it home and didnt want to piss my pants. and sicne my FRIEND, wouldnt let me use the bathroom, it was the only option I had.

edited out a lot of harsh and seriously mean shit here.

I miss him and he's to busy for a friend who is hurting and to busy for a friend thats about to piss her pants.

* the fucking is only speculation, but I think he had someone over, and perhaps the fucking was later in the nights schedule.

I edited all the drunk typos post typing.

Cloud Pump

My only day off this week. Really didnt do much. didnt really feel like doing much.
I woke up really late, which I needed. Took myself out for a really good sandwich and then proceeded to eat, probably more of it than I needed.

And I went to therapy, where I cried a lot. Talked about nathan, talked about my recent experiences with my husband.

She says to me. Welcome to real life and all the emotions that comes with it. I've had a hellof a week emotionally and in a sense it feels like I've been reborn without all the bullshit religious crap associated with that term.

I'm starting out with some doozys in my life as far as its affecting me emotionally and eventually it will get easier to deal with. But since all these emotions in thier heightend state are all so new to me, its taking a while to adjust the intensitiy. Or maybe thats how it always is and I just have to get used to it.

With that said... Burning man this year.. is going to so rock my fuckin world. I thought it was fabulous before, when I was in the grips of depression. Holy shit. Its going to be insane. I'm not having any expectations mind you, It will just be neat to see it with out the cloud following behind me, unless its the dust from the back tire of my bike.

I'm heading out for some cosmos soon at my favorite pub.
I emailed glenn earlier, he said he would go to the movies with me sometime next week, so thats cool.
And my "." started so I'm a moody bitch right now. Still horny however. gah.. this part sucks.

She Be Wantin' It More

I wore my shirt inside out all day yesterday and didnt even know.
I was at my computer til the last possible second, trying to read words from my friends as any words that I saw were like tiny little hugs. Something all of us are needing now.
I'm still very much in denial about my friends passing. Oh the crying doesnt stop, but I just look at pictures and I just cant believe it. More things that just dont make sense. But I'm learning that nothing in life ever makes sense.
I woke up at 11:25 today, after staying out until 1 and getting to bed around 2.
I went on my last craigslist un-date. Oooh boy.
I have 3 emails on my match.com profile that I cant get cause I havent joined. I'm not sure if I want to join or not.
I'm finding it hard to keep my mind off of sex. Which is very very odd for me to say. As the title of this post says, She be wantin it more...
I was going to make some chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast, but I may take myself out for some other coast sandwich instead.
I had one of the weirdest work meetings last night, it ended in a bonfire on the beach where there was smore making and a red rover game (i didnt play).
I'm going through way to many tissues these days.
I have therapy in about 3 hours.
I think i'm going to go for drinks at my favorite place tonight.
I wonder if i can get anyone to join me.

wantin' it more. wantin' it more. wantin' it more.

Let Yourself Get Down

Safety and companionship and love ..within my husbands arms, is all I desire.

I wrote that line in a previous blog post, months if not a year ago. Its as true today as it was then.

I walked home tonight from the bar looking at the illegal fireworks in the sky.
I walked home tonight from the bar, after spending a few hours talking with a coworker about my life. She also has had a pretty fucked up life, no wonder why we get along so well.
I walked home tonight from the bar, past my husbands home, looking over to see if he was home, he wasnt, cause he is out with her, enjoying the "fireworks".
I walked home tonight from the bar, thinking about my friend who died last night.
I walked home tonight from the bar, thinking about the love my husband and I shared both yesterday, today and months ago.
I walked home tonight from the bar, still happy with who I am and who've I've become recently.
I walked home tonight from the bar, looking so fuckin hot, my hair and makeup looked out of this world.
I walked home tonight from the bar, to come home to reading a message board, reading posts to our friend who died, messages of love and light, tears rolling down these cheeks and making my mascara run.
I walked home tonight from the bar, thinking about how my heart sank low as I watched the fireworks on Tv, thinking about my husband celebrating his birthday with someone thats not me.

But, I came home from the bar, feeling good. Feeling good about myself, feeling beautiful and loved. I've never been happier in my life. Yes I'm having a rough time, Yes I'm separated from the man I love with all my heart, yes I just lost a good friend. And as much as that pain is weighing on my I know I'm still alive and feeling all these emotions. That just proves I'm alive. And being alive is making me happy. feeling these new emotions, sadness and love, madness and love, anger and love, disgust, fear, agony and love. No matter the situation I love it all. I love who I am. I love that I'm different. I love that I'm not perfect.

I love that I can finally feel things.

Flipside

So I put up a match.com ad.. for real.
Glenn has one up as well.

I'm just a mess today. Got bad news about a friend who was in a roll over accident. The sitation is grim, as his skull was damaged. He is in critical condition in Reno.

Every time I think about it I just get weepy. We camped with him, we laughed, dance and drank with him. This year has been a tough year, we have lost a lot of good people in our group.

This morning I was awakened at 7:50 am (oof, considering I went to bed at 1am or so) by my upstairs neighbor (my landlord) talking loudly on his cell phone. He is SO loud. I could clearly hear the entire conversation, I rolled over grabbed my earplugs and tried in vain to fall back to sleep. But I was awake.

So I exercised a bit, played some games for a bit, other odds and ends and now am considering cereal or cereal for breakfast today.

Glenn asked me for my house key back, his new therapist thought it would be a good idea to set up more boundaries between us.

I just dont understand all of this. Well I do and I don't. All I can think about is the good times we had together and the love we shared.

Just more time and patience. Maybe I will find a match.

Beulah Witch

The silence is over.
And last night after glenn took me grocery shopping which I was so very thankful for, since i went approx 2 weeks without any groceries.

He stay and we talked til 3 am. About some of the same stuff, but last night we got into deeper discussions about our lives and about our sex life (or the lack there of).

I never understood, til now, what it meant to actually have sex and have it mean love. That was always my problem and thats whats caused the divide, cause he kept trying to "love" me and I couldnt accept it. Cause I didnt know how.

With my seriously shitty childhood and being unloved throughout it or at least thats how it came across to me, to sleeping around in college looking for "love" and just winding up being used. When it finally came time to love the person I was meant in this world to love with all that I was, I never knew how to reciprocate.

To many years of mental abuse, both from my parents, family and even friends. The feeling of never being wanted is a major part of our conversation last night.

He calls our relationship a greek tradgey.
So far I havent found anyone to help me out for tuesday. Thats also day that I will be probably starting my "." so I will be even more moody.

I often wonder during our talks, if I make any sense. I often wonder if he in time will look past our past. Time will only tell I guess.

So now I'm trying to figure out what to do. Some parts of me wants me to just shut myself in and not try to meet anyone. And some parts wants to meet people and people being guys.

But I told him since now finding all these new emotions after coming out of the cloud of depression that I cannot handle another heart break. This at times is way to much for me to handle. I nearly broke down in tears at work today.

We had a really good talk and I learned a lot of things about how he felt about me and things he wanted for me. Only for me to not be able to do it and it made him feel worse. So many things. So many things I wish I could change in the past, but I cant.

The future however, is all mine.

In other news, I started watching what I'm eating again, its both to make sure I'm eating enough and not eating to much. For a while I wasnt eating very much at all and I dropped a lot of weight.

I worked out a little bit here at home this morning and it felt good.

Crap.. gotta head back to work. I had so much more I wanted to say.

I'm Not Dead

You can do the math a thousand ways but you can't erase the facts
That others come and others go but you always come back
I'm a winter flower underground always thirsty for summer rain
And just like the change of seasons
I know you'll be back again

I'm not dead just floating
Underneath the ink of my tattoo
I've tried to hide my scars from you
I'm not scared just changing
Right beyond the cigarette and the devilish smile
You're my crack of sunlight oh

Pink's I'm Not Dead

Yesterday I drank a bit. Was so desperate for food I went to taco bell. (whatever, i like taco bell). At around 10:30 I went to bed. Woke up 4 times, and finally got out of bed right around 8am. Then I did something I havent done since march. Since before all this started. I went to the gym.

I'm not dead, just floating
I'm not scared, just changing.

I'm trying to change and adapt to my current surroundings, its tough. Change is tough.

I ran most of a 5k on a treadmill. Cept for about .3 of a mile. So not to bad. It felt good, but I need new shoes.

I worked up a good sweat and felt good about it all.

I also realized i'm not going to bother with writing to any of those guys anymore. I'm to much of a freak for the rest of the world. Between the ones who dont want to work around my schedule or the ones that want me to call them. Bzzzt sorry, wrong answer. I dont do phone communication to well.

So I think I've reached that I gotta get used to this alone shit. Me, my tunes, and my computer.

I'm not dead, just a freak, who is still in love with someone else.