Beulah Witch
The silence is over.
And last night after glenn took me grocery shopping which I was so very thankful for, since i went approx 2 weeks without any groceries.
He stay and we talked til 3 am. About some of the same stuff, but last night we got into deeper discussions about our lives and about our sex life (or the lack there of).
I never understood, til now, what it meant to actually have sex and have it mean love. That was always my problem and thats whats caused the divide, cause he kept trying to "love" me and I couldnt accept it. Cause I didnt know how.
With my seriously shitty childhood and being unloved throughout it or at least thats how it came across to me, to sleeping around in college looking for "love" and just winding up being used. When it finally came time to love the person I was meant in this world to love with all that I was, I never knew how to reciprocate.
To many years of mental abuse, both from my parents, family and even friends. The feeling of never being wanted is a major part of our conversation last night.
He calls our relationship a greek tradgey.
So far I havent found anyone to help me out for tuesday. Thats also day that I will be probably starting my "." so I will be even more moody.
I often wonder during our talks, if I make any sense. I often wonder if he in time will look past our past. Time will only tell I guess.
So now I'm trying to figure out what to do. Some parts of me wants me to just shut myself in and not try to meet anyone. And some parts wants to meet people and people being guys.
But I told him since now finding all these new emotions after coming out of the cloud of depression that I cannot handle another heart break. This at times is way to much for me to handle. I nearly broke down in tears at work today.
We had a really good talk and I learned a lot of things about how he felt about me and things he wanted for me. Only for me to not be able to do it and it made him feel worse. So many things. So many things I wish I could change in the past, but I cant.
The future however, is all mine.
In other news, I started watching what I'm eating again, its both to make sure I'm eating enough and not eating to much. For a while I wasnt eating very much at all and I dropped a lot of weight.
I worked out a little bit here at home this morning and it felt good.
Crap.. gotta head back to work. I had so much more I wanted to say.
And last night after glenn took me grocery shopping which I was so very thankful for, since i went approx 2 weeks without any groceries.
He stay and we talked til 3 am. About some of the same stuff, but last night we got into deeper discussions about our lives and about our sex life (or the lack there of).
I never understood, til now, what it meant to actually have sex and have it mean love. That was always my problem and thats whats caused the divide, cause he kept trying to "love" me and I couldnt accept it. Cause I didnt know how.
With my seriously shitty childhood and being unloved throughout it or at least thats how it came across to me, to sleeping around in college looking for "love" and just winding up being used. When it finally came time to love the person I was meant in this world to love with all that I was, I never knew how to reciprocate.
To many years of mental abuse, both from my parents, family and even friends. The feeling of never being wanted is a major part of our conversation last night.
He calls our relationship a greek tradgey.
So far I havent found anyone to help me out for tuesday. Thats also day that I will be probably starting my "." so I will be even more moody.
I often wonder during our talks, if I make any sense. I often wonder if he in time will look past our past. Time will only tell I guess.
So now I'm trying to figure out what to do. Some parts of me wants me to just shut myself in and not try to meet anyone. And some parts wants to meet people and people being guys.
But I told him since now finding all these new emotions after coming out of the cloud of depression that I cannot handle another heart break. This at times is way to much for me to handle. I nearly broke down in tears at work today.
We had a really good talk and I learned a lot of things about how he felt about me and things he wanted for me. Only for me to not be able to do it and it made him feel worse. So many things. So many things I wish I could change in the past, but I cant.
The future however, is all mine.
In other news, I started watching what I'm eating again, its both to make sure I'm eating enough and not eating to much. For a while I wasnt eating very much at all and I dropped a lot of weight.
I worked out a little bit here at home this morning and it felt good.
Crap.. gotta head back to work. I had so much more I wanted to say.
posted by B at 4:24 PM
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