Fragments of Freedom

I had to stick the knife in my heart just another time. I looked at our wedding pictures today and I'm looking at them in disbelief that in perhaps a few months its all going to be over.

I look at pictures and I can't believe it or understand it for that matter. That man at my side is the one thats now screwing around with 2 other women, and says he doesnt love me.

Today I contemplated a lot.. I thought about if/when the axe blade falls how will I cope.
I also wondered would I ever be able to trust again?
Would I ever be able to love again?
Or is it after this heartbreak would my heart be irrepairably damaged.

I gave him all I had and then some and it wasnt enough. The man who promised and vow'd to me that he would love me til the end of our tomorrows. Maybe I'm just a romantic at heart and believe in the power of love.

So I thought about my life, without him. And it wasnt pretty.
I thought about all the things in my life that I wont get to do. As to why? Well one was going to be a king sized quilt for our bed, that had pieces of my wedding gown. No need to do that now.
Guess I dont need to finish that wedding scrapbook either (ha!)
I may never get to meet his family in mexico, i always wanted to.

I also looked at pictures I took of him tonight. Pictures I took with love and I can see the love in his eyes. I loved taking pictures of him. He uses those pictures now in his various personal ad's. (which he has since taken down). Pictures of him on rainier, tahoe, burning man, utah, a pumpkin patch and so forth. I looked at them all and just pondered about what is love.

I also pondered is if I'm still in love. I am.
I'm bit banged up thats for sure.

I just wondered a lot is if I will ever find anyone like him again, someone to love me. Is there another him out there somewhere, a kind hearted soul, a generous spirit, a free thinker and so much more.

Sure its too soon to be considering this, but is it?
I don't want to live without him, however I also do not want to be alone (in this shitty apartment) for the rest of my life either.

In other news... gotta stop thinking about it. I got my electric bill today, this never being home thing has its perks, my bill was less than 30$ for 3 months.

I got the fabric I needed and did some more work on the dress tonight.
I also picked up 2 fat quarters for the quilt blocks that I said i would make for nathan's quilts.

Work was eh today, it was really warm and I was sweating as I stood still. I may take a cool shower before bed.

Sometimes the cure is worse than the disease.