Hand on Heart
Last night I got another bomb dropped on me.
Glenn has "officially" decided NOT to go to burning man. He however says, it would be a mistake for me not to go.
He offered a few suggestions on how I could get down there, but those were his opinions and suggestions and I don't think they would work.
I don't even know if I want to go without him. Its always been OUR trip. We were going since before we were even married. I cannot think of that event without thinking about experiences there with him. But it was always our trip. He says I should go alone. I dont want to be alone, sure I will be camping with friends, but thats different.
I want to go with him.
So I found out this news after work. I got off the phone around 11pm with him. Still hadnt had dinner. At around 12:30 I ate a turkey hotdog without the bun and the last remaining chunk of the velveeta light, it may of been an ounce or so. I hardly slept cause In my head I was trying to think of.. if I can go, if I want to go and how I want to go.
I dont know. He would say here to me... oh there you go again with your negative thinking. But thats not it at all. Its our trip and In my mind it will always be our trip.
I just can't stop crying this morning. I haven't cried this much in a long time about glenn.
I love him. I still do. Thats never going to change.
So I'm working on maybe 3 hours of sleep and no real food since 3pm yesterday. Go me. And hell that was just a frozen steak burrito. I can't eat, I cant sleep, some days its hard to even breathe. Yea me for getting out of depression.
Glenn has "officially" decided NOT to go to burning man. He however says, it would be a mistake for me not to go.
He offered a few suggestions on how I could get down there, but those were his opinions and suggestions and I don't think they would work.
I don't even know if I want to go without him. Its always been OUR trip. We were going since before we were even married. I cannot think of that event without thinking about experiences there with him. But it was always our trip. He says I should go alone. I dont want to be alone, sure I will be camping with friends, but thats different.
I want to go with him.
So I found out this news after work. I got off the phone around 11pm with him. Still hadnt had dinner. At around 12:30 I ate a turkey hotdog without the bun and the last remaining chunk of the velveeta light, it may of been an ounce or so. I hardly slept cause In my head I was trying to think of.. if I can go, if I want to go and how I want to go.
I dont know. He would say here to me... oh there you go again with your negative thinking. But thats not it at all. Its our trip and In my mind it will always be our trip.
I just can't stop crying this morning. I haven't cried this much in a long time about glenn.
I love him. I still do. Thats never going to change.
So I'm working on maybe 3 hours of sleep and no real food since 3pm yesterday. Go me. And hell that was just a frozen steak burrito. I can't eat, I cant sleep, some days its hard to even breathe. Yea me for getting out of depression.
posted by B at 8:09 AM
2 Comments:
Find a way to go to Burning Man. Make your experience at the event this year be whatever *you* want it to be.
That's my unsolicited advice for the day.
Hang in there!
I went to BM in 2002 (my first year) to get Russell back.
I went to BM in 2003 to get Russell back.
I went to BM in 2004 to get Russell back.
I went to BM in 2005 without him, for the first time.
It was fucking hard. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Russell was the person who first told me about BM. I'd never even heard of it before. I thought it was a landmark, like Chimney Rock or some geyser at Yellowstone. It was always something I associated with him, and with the two of us.
It was so, so hard for me to be out there last year, watching everyone in their little happy coupledoms--you & Glenn, Lydia & Revvy, Tiara & mongoose, Chuck & Zanaru, brian & eli (and they got married!). I was alone. And if that wasn't bad enough: my car broke down--actually, not my car, but a car I'd borrowed--I spent three days getting it fixed, driving back and forth, spendin time and money I didn't have. My tent poles snapped, then I fixed them and they broke again. It was hot and dusty and windy and I had no place to stay and I was alone and it sucked.
And you know the best thing about it? I survived it. I got the freaking car fixed and arranged without having to call my parents and have them bail me out. My friends offered me places to stay when my tent broke. I went out alone and it was O.K. It wasn't the end of the world. And looking back, I'm really, really glad I did that.
If there's one universal thing I've learned about myself from Burning Man, it's that I rarely regret the things I do, but I always regret the things I don't do. I don't at all regret going last year, but I kow I'd be kicking myself now if I'd chosen not to go.
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