Let Yourself Get Down

Safety and companionship and love ..within my husbands arms, is all I desire.

I wrote that line in a previous blog post, months if not a year ago. Its as true today as it was then.

I walked home tonight from the bar looking at the illegal fireworks in the sky.
I walked home tonight from the bar, after spending a few hours talking with a coworker about my life. She also has had a pretty fucked up life, no wonder why we get along so well.
I walked home tonight from the bar, past my husbands home, looking over to see if he was home, he wasnt, cause he is out with her, enjoying the "fireworks".
I walked home tonight from the bar, thinking about my friend who died last night.
I walked home tonight from the bar, thinking about the love my husband and I shared both yesterday, today and months ago.
I walked home tonight from the bar, still happy with who I am and who've I've become recently.
I walked home tonight from the bar, looking so fuckin hot, my hair and makeup looked out of this world.
I walked home tonight from the bar, to come home to reading a message board, reading posts to our friend who died, messages of love and light, tears rolling down these cheeks and making my mascara run.
I walked home tonight from the bar, thinking about how my heart sank low as I watched the fireworks on Tv, thinking about my husband celebrating his birthday with someone thats not me.

But, I came home from the bar, feeling good. Feeling good about myself, feeling beautiful and loved. I've never been happier in my life. Yes I'm having a rough time, Yes I'm separated from the man I love with all my heart, yes I just lost a good friend. And as much as that pain is weighing on my I know I'm still alive and feeling all these emotions. That just proves I'm alive. And being alive is making me happy. feeling these new emotions, sadness and love, madness and love, anger and love, disgust, fear, agony and love. No matter the situation I love it all. I love who I am. I love that I'm different. I love that I'm not perfect.

I love that I can finally feel things.