Blind Bank Robber

I'm on my way to the playa. This will be my last post for a bit. Return on the 5th of sept.

Lots of stuff happened in the past 24 hours, some really bad, some really good.

Wish I had more time to write about it.

Bye. Miss you.

Laugh As The Sun

Tonights 1 am question is:
Do I stay at a brewery/bed/breakfast on my way home that will cost 109$ for a king sized room (only size available) that will not include breakfast. But will be so plush and nice and great beer will be at my finger tips until closing time. And its a hotel I've been wanting to visit for forever.

OR

Do I stay at a best western, that will cost 80.10$, will include breakfast, and is a .75 mile walk to said brewery, and has a pool and a hottub.

I just dont know.

I honestly got nothing accomplished this evening for burning man prep. And damn it feels good. I needed a night off. I know I should of probably been packing and going over lists and all sorts of other shit. But HELL... it was nice to take an evening off. Tomorrow I can stress and pack. Tonight I needed a quiet night.

I'm probably going to take along a little notebook with me on my journey. Hell I've been writing about my life for months now, it would be weird to not right when I'm in the thick of some crazy shit..

but now its trazadone time and sleep.

Where would I be

I've been waiting for so long
I've been hoping your love's not gone
Houses are sliding in the mud
Rivers are raging in your blood

Where would I be without your love?
Where would I be without your arms around me?

You were to be the only one
If I knew you I would not run
You have been cloudy, distant, dark
I'm thinking of Noah and the ark

Where would I be without your love?
Where would I be without your arms around me

Cake, Where Would I Be

Where would I be? I'd be in a apartment that I swear at on a daily if not hourly basis.

The jam is made. And much MUCH swearing occured at the space issues in the kitchen. This is why I never cook any more besides frozen meals. I just dont have the space.

I'm glad I got it done however. Its one less thing on the list I never wrote out.
Other things I have to do, go to radio shack to find a thing that will play the music on my shuffles on the car stereo. Write my rent check. dishes, trash, pack some more. Stop finding things I want to wear on the playa.
Oh and about a million other things.

I really dont understand it myself why i am still holding out hope that glenn will come back to me. Why I torture myself in even thinking about it.

In other news.. I may of agreed to do the danksin triathlon next year with some coworkers. Triathlon

I still havent decided on if i'm doing the seattle half this year or not either. Plus I really want to do STP next year too. Seattle to Portland.

So this upcoming year is going to be a very active and moving one.

Just 2 more work days til I leave. The white dress got finished last night. It looks a bit sucky. I fucked something up when I was attaching the skirt to the bodice, but I just dont have the desire to unfuck it up. Plus the sash will be covering that spot anyway. And the way I figure I will just keep making this dress til I make it right.

Panic is setting in more and more when I am considering the task I have before me. Getting all this stuff into the car and driving 700 miles each way. Which is a challenge since in the past 4 years i've only driven 1 time.

Gosh still so much to do. I'm very scared.

T.B.D.

So last night I got some great sleep and this morning I am just ALIVE. I'm bursting with energy, I'm happy and I'm dancing around my apartment to techoy versions of sarah mclachlan songs. Its all because I got sleep. I finally woke up feeling rested. I feel awake. And its so amazing what one can actually get accomplished when your not hiding within a cloud of sleepiness.

I was so productive this morning. Up, went to the farmers market, got my blueberries, went to the house, got my plums, Went to safeway, got my pectin and jars. I sorted out some stuff out of the box of wonder* for the playa, I did a little sewing, I ate brunch, I showered, My hair looks awesome today. WEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Gonna have another little snack now and head to work.
And damn I'm looking pretty damn cute today. Today should be a good day.


*box of wonder - is my box of sample sized products that I've got at various events and hotels that I always dont use but chuck it into the box. So therefore at various times I wonder if I have a certain thing and I will look in the box and voila.. exactly what I need.

I was trying to figure out how to get my body wash to the playa and I wondered if I had any samples of it.. I found 3 sample sized body washes. So I can reduce the amount of stuff i bring. I also got some sample sized sunscreens that I can put into my water pack for when I'm out and about and need to reapply sunscreen.

Come Sail Away

So I think this morning I think I came up with the answer on why all of this just seems so wrong.

He says he respects me. But I'm beginning to think that isnt true. The way I was thinking and we discussed this last night even. So my reasoning is this:

We were(are) in a relationship for 8 years. In that time yea we had some bad times, some really bad. But we also had some freaking amazing fabulous times too. Our love of one another was very apparent to everyone else. 8 years is a respectable amount of time and should be treated as such.

IF he had any respect for me and the time that was spent together then and or now he would work on trying to repair the relationship. There is no respect. In my opinion, he saw the problems as unfixable and decided on his own that this was the best course of action.

In regards to the love he is in now. Well duh.. you spend that much time with another person. I can almost guarantee if he spent the amount of time that he did with her with me trying to get past this problem. I wouldnt still be living here.

Thats why I feel like 8 years was all wasted. Cause the relationship on a whole wasnt given the respect it deserves.

Respect. From where I'm standing, there isnt any.

With that said. I'm heading out to the farmers market to go by a 1/2 flat of blueberries and Going over to the back porch house to pick plums. Its jam making time!

Leave me Alone

With the incredibly bad also comes along to me something incredibly good. My coworkers all chipped in for a belated birthday present. They got me a 100$ visa card to use for gas money on this trip. I am overwhelmed and weepy with thier generosity and giving spirit. Right when I needed it the most. Karma indeed.

Today I held it together like a champ. Someone asks, Why are you so happy, did you get back together with your husband. I was like No, its over. He loves someone else. They went on to say well your hiding it wonderfully. Just like the worker bee that I am there.

I just read the whole card as I couldnt do it at work with out tear'ing up. They are all so awesome to me. Its right what I need in my life right now that the rest of my life is falling apart.

The pain i'm is a pain i've never felt before. Like my soul and heart being ripped out of my body. Also just the knowing he doesnt fucking care on how much he's hurting me. He stopped caring about how I felt months ago. Just like he said, any time he spends time with me was just to hurt me.

So why... why does even through out this pain, due I still feel a speck of hope for happiness together. I know its over. But fuck, why is there still this tiny glimmer of something.

I better get some dinner and get to working on finishing this dress. I leave in 4+ days.

If I Could

So now that the last piece of my heart has been shattered. I cried myself to sleep last night. Only fell alseep cause of the two traz that i took to get there.

Woke at 3 and was awake til 5 am or so. Thinking about the finallity of it all.

I just sit here in this awful numbing pain. It has completly filled my body now.
I always held out hope that the last piece would remain intact.

I'm just numb all over and removing the dried tears from my eyelashes.

If some day in the future he relizizes that he messed up and wants to start over. Will I try again. I cant answer that now.

edited to add: A quote from the letter he wrote to me at the start of all this. "i'm not looking to get into another relationship very soon". That was written on 4/22/06. He got into a "relationship" with her the week I moved out, so not even a month later. Now he's in love with her, that seems very relationship like. What is very soon. A month? 6 months? A week.

I'm so angry and sad and so many other things. And I am also sincere when I wish him all the happiness he deserves.

The Mission

Tonight I learned that they have exchanged "i love you's". Over dinner/drinks and arguing at hatties.

I really dont know what else to say anymore. I just feel like the past 8 years of my life have been wasted and thrown away. Sure I got over my depression, but look where it got me. 8 years.. gone. Sure he says he looks back on the good memories fondly. That he will always remember those good times and reflect on them.

I always said I was a bad/awful/horrible wife. Seems he always believed it. I really dont know why I still feel the way i do about him still. I know I shouldnt love him. I know I should hate him for all the pain he is putting me through.

He loves her now. He doesnt love me. And there is nothing I can do about it.

Darkness, Darkness, be my pillow, Take my head and let me sleep
In the coolness of your shadow, In the silence of your deep

Panic Station

ok I got to get this out of my head for its been bothing me for days.
I guess i just need to write down all the things I currently know and I guess just see them all written down to just see if it all makes sense still.

Things I know:

He met her originally in december, a coworker introduced them at the company party. He then later found her via tribe. (this may or may not be true)

She is 29, thin and a writer, with 3 cats. (therefore and obviously younger and thinner than myself).

A while back his therapist suggested he spend more time alone. He did for a while.

He also said he had stopped seeing her. During that time, I saw him often as he invited me over to watch tv, have dinner, him stopping by my place etc.

Approx a week ago we were watching tv together and he said something along the lines of that he was either having "more or stronger feelings for me" the exact wording I dont remember but it was in that vein. I asked him if this was a problem for him and he said no. We also planned to go on a hike together this friday (today as I'm writing this post, obviously not hiking)

It was either the next day or the day after, he started seeing her again. Perhaps in some sort of reestablishing his own personal boundaries and once he told me what he told me, it triggered the fear of what I represent to him. Stability, companionship, marriage, etc. My therapist had a word for it, I cant remember

This past tuesday I call him after a crappy day at work, it was also the day after he just finished a huge work project, which had him quite stressed out. (the same work project that I thought was going to affect our marriage due to his long hours at work that he needed to put in and the fact that I wouldnt be seeing him as often). We have an enjoyable evening out. I give him a hug on his corner and I ask about his statement about the "more or stronger feelings" he denies saying that or that I misheard him, or that I am just reading into the things he says or evening hearing things that he never said. Something along those lines. We proceed to argue the same point over and over again, which gets him quite irate. And him saying a slew of nasty things to me. Which i feel he was just projecting his frustration from work and his own frustrations with his feelings that he is going through.

The next day I get an email from him with an apology. I head over to the house to get the key before therapy and ask if that was a real apology. He says that it was. However, that other night he said to never believe anything he tells me.

Packing went fine and I asked if we are still friends, he said yes, but its a fine line.

I was over the house today due to having to bring some of my supplies to a friends house and needed him and the truck to get it over there. He then headed off to therapy and I havent heard from him since.

During my therapy session we discussed all of that above stuff and my therapist came up with the same reasoning that I did. I'm sure this next statement when glenn reads it is going to make him laugh but.. hell. My therapist said that he in some ways is going thru a very early midlife crisis.

And in some ways she's kind of right. A man almost approaching forty (I know not exactly midlife), who when he had his match/yahoo personal ad up said he was only 35 (he's 37), is seeing and sleeping with a 29year old woman.

I also remember in early discussions about our relationship.. glenn brought up that he didnt date very much and that he never got a chance to sleep around sort to speak. He was also quite heavier and lets be honest, geekier at that time. I know cause I saw his student ID from ASU.

So here is where I see it, he found a way out of the relationship with me. Using my depression/lack of sex drive as the original excuse. Now he is thinner, has his skin clear and is taking good care of himself and is wanting to sow his oats. Cept he had someone standing in his way. Me.

Do I think he still has feelings for me. yes
Do I think he is scared to show those feelings. yes

Yea. That feels better.

Chalkdust torture

I'm really stressing out now.
I cant sleep. My eating is practically non existant.
I'm so fuckin freaked out about this trip.

I still dont have access to the house. And I have to leave for therapy now. I need to pack. I need to get all the gear, here. I still need to finish this white dress again. I tried sewing this morning and I couldnt even sew a straight line, cause my hands are shaking so bad.

I leave in a week. I'm not ready.

will edit more in here after therapy.

so i got the come on over for the key email just as I was walking out the door to therapy. i rushed over to the house, grabbed the key and ran to therapy.

In therapy we talked for what has been going on for the past month. We had a lot of ground to cover. But it was a good session. She said that my thinking was correct about glenns actions over the past 3 weeks. So that made me feel good that I can look at a situation subjectivly and analyze just what it is as it is.
I went back to the house after therapy and weighed myself. 150.4. I had lost 3 more pounds since my birthday. WOO!

I then started gathering all my things i needed, tent, sleeping bag, air mattress and all the storage tubs. Many many trips later I got it all in my house. Saturday and sunday I will actually start organzing and packing it all.

Glenn apologized for the nasty things he said to me on tuesday night. Do I believe his apology was sincere? I dont know.
We talked a little more calmly this afternoon however and I think for the moment we are back to being friends again.
He has a date tonight.
I was supposed to go out with some of my friends from work, but I just recently got a call that that isnt going to happen. SO to the bar by myself I go. I was so psyched up to go and I'm still going as it was already set in my brain that I was going to get my cosmos tonight.

So I got on a tight shirt and my little shorts, my legs are mostly shaved and I look pretty darn cute with my tight little pony tail. I'm not going to be bothered with washing my hair at 8pm.

So tonight while i was trying to figure out what to wear, I tried on my maroon halter top dress. Daaaaaaaaaaaaamn.. that shit is hot.

HA! even my landlord noticed my weight loss.

Anyway. it was a good day and I got most of the stuff at my place now. I go over to the house tomorrow at 10 am to bring my bike and poles over to another friends house cause he is bringing them down for me. I may also gather a fuckload of plums to make more jam. There are so many plums on the tree next door it would be a shame to see them all become bird food.

Tomorrow is another day.

Tomorrow we'll see

I think my body is completly freaking out due to the lack of sleep and stress I'm putting it through the past few weeks (months).

every day a different part of me isnt right. One day a knee, the next a shoulder, today was my insides. To say it was a shitty day would be putting it mildly.

I worked my full shift and then some. With my stomach in some weird fit of tossy turny pain.

Finishing a bottle of wine that i started that other night.

I have a current computer frustration. I got this ipod shuffle thing for an event I did. It wont charge. Ok thats not true. It will charge. Unfortunatly the only usb port it will work on is the same one that my keyboard will work on. Moving them around didnt do squat. Keyboard wont work anywhere else and neither will the little shuffle. So I think right before i go to sleep tonight, I will unplug the keyboard so i can charge the damn thing.

Tomorrow I start packing for the playa. I'm heading over to the house tomorrow to get all the gear I will need. I also have therapy tomorrow. Its going to be a good one I betcha.

One week from thursday is when i leave this city alone. For the playa. I think I have finally figured out my itinerary. I think I will be arriving on the playa around (oh shit, i forgot in my moving all my cords around I knocked the power off and my route planning never got saved, fuck).
Its almost bed time.
The next two days are going to be an interesting experience to say the least.

Turn the Page

A whole load of dreams with glenn in them last night.
The highlights

I went with a coworker to his work and I tried to stay hidden from him, but then he saw me. And yelled "Why the hell are you here?!"

I said so and so needed to visit her boyfriend and wanted me to come with her.
The receptionist over heard us talking and asked how we were doing. Glenn said, Its over, I'm going to be filing for divorce. I looked at him with a shocked look on my face, then he corrects himself, and says, Oh thats right, there is still a chance.

2nd dream.
Glenn and I were sitting in a room, without much furniture. A desk and a phone, maybe curtains. And i was saying I have a really stupid question. He was like what. I asked is my mom dead? He just looked at me with sorrowful eyes and said, yes she died on the 4th of july. I went on to say I was just going to call her cause I hadnt heard from her in a while and since my mind has been so preoccupied with my own problems I hadnt thought about her. I then started crying and he came over and held me. (my mom isnt dead)

3rd dream.
Glenn and I were walking back to (his?) hotel and he had his arms around me like couples do. Touching my hair, looking at me longingly. When we got to the hotel I said I had to go. He looked sad. I said I do have to go upstairs to turn off the sauna. He said in a liltly type voice "oh really?"

what they mean? I havent a clue. But I felt like sharing.

"No one can exists all alone
We pretend things only happen to strangers
We've all got problems of our own
It's enough to learn to share our pleasures
We can't soothe pain with sympathy"
Turn the Page, Rush.

Secret Square

Today was an odd day. I felt a lot of pain inside me today. It usually doesnt affect me that much anymore. But today was just like this death grip on my heart and soul.
I just feel bitchy and moody tonight. I was also in a lot of pain physically, my knee pain went away that I had yesterday. However, it was no so secretly replaced by some serious pain in my shoulder. So much so, i could barely turn my head to the left. Thankfully I work in a spa that have massage therapists. So I had one of them work on my shoulder. She did a number on it. But at least I can turn my head again.

I went to safeway after work tonight and I walked up my street since its quieter than 15th.

I heated up a steak burrito and am now sipping on a glass of white wine.
I started putting together a revised packing list for the playa today at work. So that kept my mind going through the slogging I do there some days.

In some ways I am very mixed on this solo trip to the playa. Sure it will be a whole new experience, but there are just so many things that are just going to eat at me mentally while i'm there. I was planning my drive and I kept trying to figure out where to stay that glenn and I havent stayed. Cause I just dont think i could ever go to those places alone. Why do I place such value on my memories with him? Cause its all I have I guess.

I cried a bit today. A song came on my ipod and I couldnt stop the tears. Crash (into me) by dave matthews. That was "our" song for a little while. I had to forward past the rest of it.

I got my birthday present from my mom today. It will pay for part of the digital camera I'm going to get myself. I figure its probably about time.

So thursday and friday is when I get to start packing for the trip. From my list I think it will be fine.

I bought lots of cheese today for the trip.

I'm a rambly mess tonight.
I'm not sure how much I slept last night. I woke around 3am thinking I hadnt slept at all. But there are times I dont know if I'm sleeping or not. I'm just so used to being awake and running songs and other sorted thoughts through my mind at night, it just falls into a zoned out'ness.

I'm going to get another haircut before I leave for the playa. Just a couple inches off.

One thing I noticed today, is without fail when I think about glenn I still get that happy emotional feeling. OK most of the time anyway. Sometimes I think about him and what he's doing, and I just lose my appetite. Speaking of which I should probably weigh again soon. People are really noticing my weight loss.

Ok more wine time.

The Dreaming Tree

Today I had to lie. I hate it.It eats at me.
I told a lie today.
An old old old coworker came into the store today, "so hows your husband". I cant exactly say, Oh he's great cause he is fucking someone else now, infact he is fabulous cause he fucked her last night. I just said everything was fine and we went on our separate ways.

it was hard for me to lie but it was the easiest road. Its killing me inside. I wanted to tell her every thing. But it wasnt the time or place.

I hate lying. its like a cancer inside me.
I didnt know what to say. Oh yes we are still living in ballard. which is true.

Work was ok today. Wentout to a couple bars with some of the girls.
I miss my husband a lot tonight. Somenights, I dont and somenights I do. Tongiht is a miss him night. I dont know why some days I miss him more. I sent him an email this evening with no response. He must have company or something. Maybe he's playing scrabble.

I keep one of our wedding pictures on my desk. Just to look at. Some days I look at it alot. Somedays not at all. Time for bed.. alone again.

edited to add: today i was called both skinny and an great writer. Two things that made me feel good about myself today.
edited to add.2: i read on his blog today that he finally got some sleep and rest and that he finally feels what its like to be rested. Maybe he finally knows what MY life was like and is like. To live every week, ever day being short on sleep. To have insomnia as your best friend. Maybe he understands now what I was going through on trying to be all that i could for myself and for him on a daily basis with little or no sleep. Its just funny. Now the shoe is on the other foot. Its odd to see him deal with insomnia. When its been a lifetime battle for me. I'm happy thats he's gotten some rest. I'm happy that he is able to interact and live. I really am happy that he's sleeping again. I just wish the same happiness and sleep for me. I want to feel rested too.

Friday

Sometimes you have to break it all down before you build it back up. Hopefully stronger than before.

I wrote that in my biloxi blog. But I think the same thing goes for relationships too. After something is damaged, sometimes you really do have to break it all down to rebuild it.

I was rereading my blog from that time. Reading letters to and from my husband. Reading his words when I was down was all that gave me hope that I was doing the right thing. Turns out he was glad I was gone. Rereading his letters to me, some were in my blog some werent. But knowing now what I didnt know then, its hard reading those words. Words of love, words of missing me, words of endearment, words of wanting to spend time with me.

Also in my blog was this note from one of my campmates down there

And as you grab your hubby tonight be grateful that you've got that stable person in your life, instead of a battered passport-- did you notice that me, austin, and michelle, your fellow game mates, are all single?

I talked about my husband a lot when i was down there. About our wedding, about our lives together, about our trips to burning man, about him, about trust and just my overall respect and admiration/infatuation of him, even after our 4+ years together. I'm sure my camp mates were probably sick of me and my talk about him. When I see them on the playa this year, they are going to ask. And I'm going to have to tell them, whats going on now.

He said he missed me lots. He said lots of things in those emails. Did he mean any of it? I may never know the answer.

In a Little While

I feel unhappy
I feel so sad
I lost the best friend
That I ever had
She was my woman
I loved her so
But it's too late now
I've let her go
I'm going through changes
I'm going through changes
We shared the years
We shared each day
In love together
We found a way
But soon the world
Had its evil way
My heart was blinded
Love went astray
I'm going through changes
I'm going through changes
It took so long
To realize
That I can still hear
Her last goodbyes
Now all my days
Are filled with tears
Wish I could go back
And change these years
I'm going through changes
I'm going through changes

Changes, by Ozzy. Was one of the songs that spoke to me a bit today. The other was by Jimi Hendrix

The morning is dead
And the day is too
There's nothing left here to greet me
But the velvet moon
All my loneliness
I have felt today
It's a little more than enough
To make a man throw himself away
And i continue
To burn the midnight lamp
Alone

Now the smiling portrait of you
Is stll hangin' on my frowning wall
It really doesn't really doesn't bother me too much at all
It's just the, uh, ever falling dust
That makes it so hard for me to see
That forgotten ear-ring laying on the floor
Facing coldly toward the door
And i continue
To burn the midnight lamp
All alone

Burn
Lonely lonely, yeah
Lonely lonely lonely
Loneliness is such a, drag

With the bolded line being the most important. This is a drag. I wonder is he lonely. And I still wonder if there is hope for our relationship. I leave in less than 2 weeks. Tonight is friday night, so its stargate night. And my one night I can spend with him. I wonder if he wishes he could go back like ozzy said in his song. Today for some reason I miss him a lot. Somedays, as I'm getting stronger in this continued life of mine I think about him, but not like I used to. I'm going through my own changes.

We are also going to costco tonight, to get me more food supplies for daily life and for the playa.

I was going to go to safeway to pick up some things. But I'm having a little wait due to fed ex. I did get my cell phone re-established today and 54$ later I have 25$ worth of credit on my phone. I also have a new cell number. Which is fine cause i didnt know the old one.

But yeah...today is just different. And I really dont know how or why. But my heart is a bit achy today. Just a series of good days and bad days.

I better get back to working on this last quilt square. Then onto the white dress again.

edit at 4:21: so I was in a pity party mood there for a bit. So I did something to get me out of it. I put on clothes. Clothes that hadnt fit me in years. Clothes that make me look sexy. Clothes that made me feel flirty. And clothes that are just plain fun. Some outfits for the playa and so forth. I'm feeling good again. So even throughout the day I have good times and bad times. Now to get back to my closet and finding more dresses and sexy shorts to put on.

edit at 4:39 : So in my going through my garmet rack of dresses I came across a dress i've never worn. I purchased it on november 5th of 2005 at the goodwill glitter sale. 24.99. Jones new york Little black dress with matching jacket. It fits now. Its a size 10. Sure I still have a belly fat problem that I'm working on. But damn.. I look good.. check that I look great in a little black dress. I'm a happy girl right now.

The Voyeur of Utter Destruction

So one square is practically done. I just need to add a border. But I'm happy with my progress today, since I practically got no sleep last night and I started falling in my apartment due to my exhaustion. I layed down a little bit ago and may of got another hour of sleep in.

But 1 square is completed.

I'm now dressed to go out to the pub crawl. I'm wearing size 10 jeans for the first time in a long time. Still to round in the belly area, but at least I'm working on it. I just wish my belly area would go away. Its always been my ICK feature. It never goes away no matter how much weight I lose. Well that might not be true. As I've never been a lower weight than this for like forever. So I dont know if it will go away or not. Its gotta get smaller thats for sure. I still look cute tonight.
I better get going, will edit in an update when I get home.

The getting home edit:
It was an ok night. Last time was better. Went to the collins pub, I got the beer sampler tray. 7 bucks 6 samples. A decent deal specially when one gets the high alc ipas. We went then walked to bush garden a japanese restaurant. I had the gyoza and a shitty rum and coke that was more ice and coke than rum for 3.75. So I really wasnt looking to spend to much tonight and I was hoping there was somethign else to eat at this 2nd place we went. Well there wasnt. So I had my 4 gyoza and that was it. It was all I had to eat today that was "real'. After bush garden we walked to pyramid (overpriced shitty beer place) and even more over priced food. So I got nothing there. So by now its 9:30 and they close at 10. So no food for me there either.

So i get on the next bus to ballard. Thinking Oh I will just stop at the subway. Well there was a huge cop contingent inside and outside the subway. So I skipped that and just went home. Where I nuked up a burrito. I'll probably only eat a little and get to bed. I havent heard from my husband whether we are going to go to costco tomorrow.. I emailed him earlier tonight.

At least the beers at the collins pub were good. So it was pretty much a wash. Wastn a good night but wasnt a bad one either.

Break your Heart

Time is now 9:42. I just got home from work.
I'm mentally exhausted and I have dishpan hands from the insane fuckload of cups I had to wash tonight.

I really wanted to get some sewing done tonight. But theres no way. I cant even put thoughts together for this blog let alone cut something accuratly.

I will just fix, uh.. something. probably a frozen burrito or maybe just a pb&j cause thats all I have left here. I never no what to buy at the store cause I'm usually to damn tired when I get home to fix anything thats substantial. No wonder why I'm always feeling so tired. I havent had a real meal since the friday before my birthday when I went out to dinner with the boys. I should of picked up a subway sandwich on teh way home, but i was to tired to cross the street again.

Today was just long. it was a decent day. Nothing to write home about mind you.
I thought about Glenn a lot today. Ok I thought about him more than normal today.
I showed my coworkers some pictures of past burning mans today. Some got it some didnt get it at all. "So is that the artist who was showing that year" Uh.. what?

I might even fix myself a drink.
I'm so tempted to go down to the old P and get a beverage and some happy horu food. But I'm going to the pub crawl tomorrow night and thats going to be my going out budget right there.

One thing I noticed about me recently. IS that when I'm walking around I hold my head higher. I walk with spirit and a purpose and not trying to hide my face from the world. Just walking around in the world proudly. I feel good. Tired, but good.

I shot the devil

I got home for lunch and really in a pissy/upset mood.
Ive proceeed to eat.
a little pasta/ricotta
1 cupcake (hostess)
1 weird chocolate chip frozen pankcake thing
1 chocolate cupcake
1 plum
1 cupcake.

I really dont know what has me so upset today. I just dont know.
At least now the cupcakes are out of the house. thats a bonus. Now there is nothing but pudding.

I so dont want to go back to work now. But I'm getting my stuff together now.

I was born to love you

So another winning night of insomnia.
Learned late last night that my quilt square was cut entirely wrong. So I'm starting over with a completly new square.
Started cutting the pieces this morning.

Also learned that only one of my prescriptions was refilled. Hopefully by the time I walk to the grocery, the 2nd will be refilled so i can continue to be controlled against births.

I got a surprise visit from glenn shortly after i got home from work last night and he willingly took me to safeway to get the water that was on sale. I'm very thankful that he is being helpful on getting me prepped for the playa. So that 4$ I saved, will be better put to use in my gas tank as gas is "predicted to hit 4$ a gallon". We will see. I did calculate my expenses at 3.50 a gallon. I'm trying to figure out how to do this trip as far as, places I want to stop and rest. Like do I want to go to the hot springs? Do I want to stop at the campground glenn and I've gone to for the past 3-4 years. On the return trip do I stop in roseburg and go to the bar alone. I dont know. I'm not sure if any of those places will be places for me to stop. To many memories and I dont know if I want to create new memories there by myself.

I really wanted to get in to see my therapist on thursday but I forgot to put her on my todo list to call her to set up an appointment. however, My thursday will be booked solid with sewing and swearing at this quilt square.

I will also need to go to safeway tomorrow as big block cheese is on sale and one cannot go to the playa without cheese. Ok well I am sure some people can. But not me. I think one big block of cheddar, one of colby/jack and I dont know.. something else.

I wonder what work will be like tonight. Last wednesday it was pretty nutso.
I'm still unsure if I like it there. Somedays its fine, some days its just like a ice pick to the brain. I keep thinking to myself, I'm so much smarter than this job. But at least I can ocd by keepting the shelves tidy.

I just wish I could get this insomnia under control again. To many songs getting stuck in my head. One night it was "its all over but the crying" by garbage i think. And last night was Control, by Poe. I'm tired. But today has to start now.

eta: I STILL really HATE this fucking apartment.

Lucky Ball & Chain

Called to get prescriptions refilled - Check
Called budget to get car a day earlier - Check
Arranged tentativly for my bike and shade poles to be taken to the playa - Check
Got pieces for 1 quilt square cut - Check
Some dishes washed - Check
Slowly falling asleep even though I had a full 8 hour sleep - check

Ok things are slowly coming together. I hope to sew some of the quilt square tonight and finishing it tomorrow morning (i hope).
Then I can start on the next one. Then on to the white dress.2.

Glenn invited me over to the house for dinner last night. He had cooked to much food and when I got home from work I was starving and exhausted. I was just going to cook one of my remaining frozen burritos and head to bed. So I went over, and ate a bit. Its weird some days I'm so ravenously hungry and other days I eat very little. I was thankful for the real food for a change. My diet has been pretty shitty. Frozen burritos, frozen pizza, frozen little box meals, oh and pasta.

I left right around 11 and futzed around the house for a bit and went to bed right at midnight. 17 days til I leave for the playa. Still excited about the time out there, still a bit paniced about the drive. But I will be ok. I can get through this.

Strange

So the more I thought about it. The more I was acting like really big baby. Its just a day. People and friends probably have birthdays I dont remember them all either. So it was very hypocritical that I thought people would remember mine.

I did get a number of birthday wishes. And I should be happy with that.
I had to buy a bottle of mt dew today for I was falling asleep standing up.

Home now for lunch. Having a ham/swiss sandwich. "breakfast" today at noon was a bunnless hotdog and a peach.

I wonder what I weigh now. I wonder if I'm at 150 or not.
I figured out a cool weather outfit for the playa this year. I just have to find a pair of suspenders. I know I own a pair.. however after the move I havent seen them.

Seems a lot of things are missing in action from this move.

Aftermath

I got a email from my husband late last night, hoping I had a good time with my work friends.

My reply

Thanks. It was nice. I didnt pay for anyting tonight abd I felt guilty about it.I miss you. At least I lasted this long with out crying.. I didnt even get a kiss on my birthday.
It just sucks so bad. The first year of my life that I finally feel anything, feel sexy, feel emotions. to be completely alone on my birthday.
I will just cry myself to sl;ee p like i did last night.. What a way to start a new year.
b

He replied for me not to cry and that things will be ok.

my reply to that:

no one else remembered. Its not like i didnt post about my birthday coming up like a hundred times on board in the past few weeks.
It wasnt until 10:18 til someone posted a somewhat of a birthday message to me on the board,.
I spent my entire fuckin birthday emotionally alone and thats hurting so mcuh right now.

I'm still pretty sad about it all. I used a lot of tissues last night.
I hope my eyes are less puffy... eh a bit. I better get in the shower and wash all this hairspray out. I didnt sleep well last night, as to be expected. But I did get some sleep.

Less than 20 days before i leave. 6 days to get 2 quilt squares done. Gotta pack, get the white dress done. I dont know what else to do. I'm stressed out, not sleeping and hurt.

eta: I want to add that none of my family remembered either.

Aftershock

Home for a quick lunch.
Had a little pasta (very little infact) and 1 hostess cupcake. I didnt have a candle to put in it. But I did sing a verse of happy birthday.

yippee.

34.. so far.. i'm not to thrilled with ya.
At least I look cute today.

Maybe all those birthday wishes will come later. I will see them tomorrow though, since my coworkers are taking me out right after work.

I wish i wasnt so damn crampy. Why does my cycle have to happen on my birthday every year. I gotta switch it somehow.

Ugh.
Well back to work for another 5 hours. Thankfully it quiets down tonight. Maybe someone will do my hair and makeup for me.

Nobody's Hero

Its friday night and stargate/laundry time. Which I'm thankful after last night I'm still allowed to do. So I got in the shower and relaxed for a good while and I dont usually take long showers. But it felt good. Then it was time to get dressed. I thought about what to wear and since my husband doesnt see me as he used to I was like you know its pointless to look nice. But that means I would be trying to look nice for him and since he doesnt feel that way anymore, why bother. But then I thought. I'm looking nice for me. Tonight is the last night I will be 33. In this year a lot has happened to me. I overcame depression. And prior to that I never would go out of my way to dress nicely. Only when I had to.

Today I want to look good. Cause I feel good. Cause I now know I do look good. So I got on a sexy top, a black leather skirt and my black heels. Those same black heels I will be wearing on my birthday to my little gathering. Cause its now time to not look good for anyone else but myself.

He might not think I'm pretty anymore, but there are others who do. And so do I. So off I go out of 33 and into 34. Finally seeing myself as who I am.

I shall believe

That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly you won't give up on me
And I shall believe
And I shall believe

Open the door
And show me your face tonight
I know it's true
No one heals me like you
And you hold the key

Never again
would I turn away from you
I'm so heavy tonight
But your love is alright
And I do believe

Sheryl crow, I shall believe.

I went to the pub last night. Glenn and Bill were there and I asked if I was allowed to join them. I later learned that there was a discussion between them about not going to the pub cause they knew I would be there. It was fun. I had a good time at the pub with them.

then I got stupid again. Maybe I just like the knife blade in my heart. Maybe I'm just so used to pain in my life, I'm longing for it. Maybe a lot of things. But I did a lot of stupid shit last night. Mistake after mistake and I got to see just how angry glenn is. He is so angry about all of this mess we are both in, and I could see the resentment for me, is still like a fresh open wound that I keep putting salt in.

Its just tough for me, as to be expected I guess, to hear that he only likes me as a friend now. That he does doesnt "see" me the way he used to. And knowing there is nothing I can do. Its this helpless feeling thats got me floundering.

In other news... I weigh 153 pounds now. I'm about 5 pounds from my "goal" before burning man. If I dont make it, thats ok too.

20 days is all thats left before I leave for the desert. I'm beginning to freak out.

Teasin' Pleasin'

This image comes from the "professional" photog at the party I went to. I love it and it came to me at just the right time. Last night i went over to the house to catch up a little bit on my Stargate watching.

Glenn said to me a 2 things.. 1. that he still has feelings for me.
and the second one.. well I'm not going to say that one.. but it wasnt a positive thing. And now I'm just focusing on the positive.

The positive is I look fuckin hot. I'm turning 34 and feel and look beautiful.

Today will be an interesting day. I need to sleep. However I need to get some things done too. Like cutting out the rest of the dress as pictured above for a 2nd time. And getting all my quilt square'y pieces cut out.

I'm also going to walk to the fabric store thats closing in a nearby neighborhood.
I just keep looking at that picture and go.. yep.. thats me.

Time for me to Fly

Went to bed at 11:30pm
Fell asleep at 4:30am
Up at 6:30am
In shower at 7:00am.
Hair dried and dressed and 1 glass of water by 7:30am.
Leaving for my meeting now 7:35.
Meeting from 8:00-11am.
Shift from 12:00-9:00pm
I'm gonna need help.

Rock 'n' Roll Children

Work was ok today.
My cystic zit is back inside my nose. that fuckin thing better be gone by saturday.
I posted a birthday announcement at my work for if anyone wants to join me at the bar saturday night. I hope some people come and celebrate with me. I know I dont want to drink alone.

And I am sure everyone can guess what I want for my birthday.

I gotta get to bed soon. Meeting at work at 8am. And we have to be there in work attire. then the meeting will end at 11am. I have to start my shift at 12. Fuck. Tomorrow is going to be the longest day ever. I will probably go to a local place for "lunch" Or maybe I will just bring a little snack with me and still come home for lunch like normal.

I ordered my dye for my dress. Should be here in a few days. I had to get special dye, cause I'm special. Ok well thats true. But I had to get special dye cause my dress is part nylon and part spandex. One of my friends recommened this company to me. So I went with it. I got Fire red. So that pretty white dress will be hopefully fire red with a white sash. The sash will do double duty. I will also use the sash for the white dress, that is once I cut off the cranberry stain.

But today was a good day. I felt great today and at peace with everything, cept for the growing nose acne.

Washed the fabric for the quilt squares. And I think I chose one of the quilt square patterns. Tomorrow I think I will iron them and start cutting the first squares fabric out. Check that.. I will do that on thursday, fuckin meeting. I will also be cutting out another white dress thursday too. I figure its going to go faster this time cause I've made it once already.

I also want to make one other thing for the playa. I just dont know what yet. I will dig through my fabric. I flipped through my pattern stash earlier today and I got to one and I just sighed. Its such a beautiful gown. However, I dont think 2 weeks is enough time to create another "fucking red dress".

I'll think of something.. i hope

16 work days til playa.