I shall believe

That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly you won't give up on me
And I shall believe
And I shall believe

Open the door
And show me your face tonight
I know it's true
No one heals me like you
And you hold the key

Never again
would I turn away from you
I'm so heavy tonight
But your love is alright
And I do believe

Sheryl crow, I shall believe.

I went to the pub last night. Glenn and Bill were there and I asked if I was allowed to join them. I later learned that there was a discussion between them about not going to the pub cause they knew I would be there. It was fun. I had a good time at the pub with them.

then I got stupid again. Maybe I just like the knife blade in my heart. Maybe I'm just so used to pain in my life, I'm longing for it. Maybe a lot of things. But I did a lot of stupid shit last night. Mistake after mistake and I got to see just how angry glenn is. He is so angry about all of this mess we are both in, and I could see the resentment for me, is still like a fresh open wound that I keep putting salt in.

Its just tough for me, as to be expected I guess, to hear that he only likes me as a friend now. That he does doesnt "see" me the way he used to. And knowing there is nothing I can do. Its this helpless feeling thats got me floundering.

In other news... I weigh 153 pounds now. I'm about 5 pounds from my "goal" before burning man. If I dont make it, thats ok too.

20 days is all thats left before I leave for the desert. I'm beginning to freak out.