Laid So Low

Its now 5:17 in the morning. I woke up yesterday at 7:50 in the morning. So in just a few short hours I will be up for 24 hours. Go me. I'm eating my leftovers.

Leftovers from the concert that I saw with Glenn. Ok that sounds weird. Well, we went to a concert thats in a restaurant, bar, club thing. It was so wonderful of a space. And the band was out of this world. they sounded amazing and just watching the drummer drum was just epic. The band was Alan Holdsworth. I got chicken fried rice and potstickers.

My typing is going to be a little shitty, I am a little tired. But not tired enough to go to sleep.

So glenn and I went back to his place, watched some tv. Then I asked more questions, I got more answers. Then I got angry. really fuckin angry. So angry I wanted to pick up what ever was closest to me and fling it at something that would break. Like, the rush poster I bought him, or i dont know other random breakable things. I didnt, but the thought did cross my mind.

He got me a gift subscription to match com I havent redeemed it yet, cause as far as I am able to figure out (with little sleep mind you) I will have to start my profile all over again. There is no way to keep my current profile and get the gift. I sent an email to match .com to see if there is a way. I am sure there is and I'm just to tired to see it.

Oh.. why was I angry? He told me he spent his and my anniversary at her apartment.
They talked about thier weddings, as you see she is still married but separated as well.

Now if I could only lose my appetite again. So i can lose more weight. I know eating left over fried rice (btw, less than a cup was in there) at 5:30 in the morning isnt the way to do it. But i was hungry.

A coworker said to me today, that I just have such a good nature and am able to laugh at my situation. And its true. Cause if I'm not laughing, i'm crying. Well I didnt tell her that part.

I guess I just one of the things is I dont want to feel like I was a wasted part of his life. People come into our lives for a reason, I want him to think of me as a good part of his life. And I dont know If I am. I guess when I cry I cry for all the good times and just wish we would of had more years of them.

Two song lyrics that came to mind

It's only love
but love should make us strong
it's only love
but love has been hurting so long

and its all a part of me, it tears at my heart
only love
and it's all an eternity, hoping to learn
only love

there's a part of you I'm trying to reach
still a part I don't know,
tell me, is devotion a gift or a thief?
do you wish I'd let go?

Heather Nova "its only love"

Remember this, given us
by someone's set of parents
I don't recall, I admit
I don't know just who's to blame
for relics of our history...

To tell the truth, it wasn't bad
we had to have a reason
and lack of love wasn't it
We both know we had a past
but present must contain
a future where both of us can fit
*** Chorus:

So long and sorry, darling
I was counting to forever
and never even got to ten

Aimee Mann "Rip in Heaven"

I'm so damn tired of crying. I try to stop, but I still need to mourn everything I've lost in him. My best friend for one.

I dont know where my life is going to lead me, and maybe someday It will lead me back to him, and we will both be in the right place for love. Because I know that somehow I am connected to him.

Anyway. Its Just shy of 6am. I wonder what other trouble I can find at this hour in the morning.

edited to add: Its now been a full 24 hours since i got up. I'm heading to bed. Well I will try to sleep. Who knows if it will happen. 7:50am

It is On!

There's nothing quite like crying about 10 minutes before you leave for work. I collapsed just a little bit ago from crying, thankfully my bed caught my fall.

I'm so sick of this.

edited to add: I've already held back tears at work today at least 2-3 times.
I'm tired of everything. I just want to quit everything.

Back to Mine

Its a morcheeba song. Back to mine. We saw morcheeba in concert together.

watched House of D tonight. Its a david duchovny film. Decent enough film. It talked about changes of people, it talked about love, it talked about transitions.

It made me think about all the changes I've been through in the past few years and there have been many.

Some nights are just harder than others. I never promised that I was completly "over it all".

Tonight is one of those nights. Tonight I just wish I had him to talk to. Talk to about my hopes, my fears. Talk to him about life, the universe and everything. Tonight I wish I had him by my side. Not to sleep with, just to lay there, just to be there when I woke up. Just that presense and that security that even though the world isnt a fair and just place, there was still love in this world. Love and trust, companionship and hope.

I keep thinking, the same issues over and over again.
One of those issues is whether I should join match . com or not. I keep trying to justify it, but some how I never put my money where my mouth is. I have 2 emails to receive on there. I wonder who they are from.

Funny thing at work tonight, oneof my coworkers asked me "are you going to the pub tonight with, what should we call him, your estranged husband, is that right?"
I just replied, he's strange alright. And we both laughed.

People are happy that I'm happy again. I am happy. Sure I'm a bit weepy tongiht, but I'm still human. I still miss the things I miss, I still long for the things I long for. I still.. *sigh* love the ..

Its almost midnight on monday night. I work a 1-10 tomorrow. Tomorrow I go to the gym for another run.

Maybe I will write back to Kevin now. He wants to be my "friend".

A Break in the Clouds

Its weird when I have to start yelling at myself jumping up and down in my bedroom to "STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT"

Stop it, stop putting yourself down.
Stop it, calling yourself fat.
Stop it comparing yourself to people who have flat stomachs.
Stop thinking about it.

I know why I'm like this today, its almost that time of the month and I'm just feeling fat and moody.

Earlier today I was saying to myself, your beautiful cept for the space between your belly button and your pubic hair. This fuckin belly of mine. This belly that has had people ask me in the past when I was due.

This belly is the only thing that keeps me from feeling the way I should about myself. I've lost so much weight. SOOO much weight considering at one point I was upwards of 210 pounds. Now I'm down to a respectable 153. Still up 5 from the playa however.

Yesterday at work this "petite model" was complaining about her belly. I did all I could to keep myself from rolling my eyes at her.

Its weird I know that I'm a beautiful woman. And I know that all(most?) women have one part of thier body they dont like. I just wish this belly showed some signs of moving out. This damn roll of fat that overhangs, dangles, jiggles and shimmies.
I hate it and every month about this time I consider getting surgery to be rid of it forever.
gah. I will just keep working out and on it. Its all I can do. Maybe someday it will be flatter.

I'm still very beautiful, cept for that part between the belly button and pubic hair. I just gotta remember that.

Baby Can Dance

So its going to be a balmy 78 today here in seattle. I put on my favorite outfit. My tight brown top with flowery skirt. I always get such compliments on this one.

I just finished up my MASH disc that i was watching and about to leave for work.
Still one thing plaques my heart and mind.

I cried at the end of this last episode. It was a very touching and romantic episode showing BJ watchign a movie of his wife back home. Through the magic of acting and tv you can see the love and hear the words of two people who are meant to be together.

I cried, cause right now I cant even bear the thought of seeing people in love. I have to put on a show at work. But when I'm home Its all me. I know its going to take time and some day I will be that woman in love again. But right now the pain is still very real. These tears are still very real. This has got to stop. Time takes way to long to heal a broken heart.

Time to go look good for the masses. I hope its an uneventful day.

Maybe I have a little time to dance before work, to wash this pain away again.

Here & Now

Woke at approx 8:30 this morning. And was looking over my various message boards and I saw a message to a woman who is also going thru a very rough time and is starting to slip into a depression, not leaving the house. And it struck me as I was about to hit play on a dvd that I have. I was just going to sit in this house til i needed to shower for work, then I was going to go to work, come home and repeat the cycle all over again.

Today I didnt. I didnt hit play. I found my gym clothes, put on my shiny blue shoes and walked to the gym. I did a 5k and about 10 minutes on the bike. Til i worked up a healthy sweat.

As the miles passed under my feet I felt better. I felt sweaty and sexy all at the same time. I know I have a lot of miles to go in my life. And I can either take them sitting down or perhaps not. Perhaps those miles can be outside experiencing life. Yes, they can definatly be outside(or the gym).

While on the treadmill i thought about things the various guys said to me while at the weird and wild weekend I had. But the question that I thought about the most was "Why was your husband so stupid to let you go?" And I never could give them an answer. I was like I dont know.

I had 3 guys calling me gorgeous. It was wonderful and I have lots of miles ahead of me.

Devil's Island (or as I like to call it Devil's Salad)

I got my table! WOO!

And I'm going to the pub tonight with a boy from craigslist. He is a geek at a local high end store in the seattle area. Just for drinks mind you.

will edit in a "date" report later. Cosmo tainted typo's at no extra charge.

would love to type more, but he is passed out on my couch. What a weird night

edit at 10:03 am and he is still passed out on my couch.

edit at 11:03 I just got him up and out he would of slept the rest of the day on my couch. I got stuff to do.

So how he wound up on my couch. Well you see he drank to much and as we were walking out of the bar he asked if he could pass out on my couch. Not wanting him to drive drunk I agreed. He then passed out. Which is fine with me. He is a really nice guy, however, not my type. That and he was like "You have way to much issues regarding your upcoming divorce and I'm not ready for that type of relationship". I'm over here going.. this is just a first date.

He is way to touchy feely for me as well. Kept rubbing my back and playing with my hair.

However... funny how this happens. These two other guys come in and sit right next to us we get to talking to them and the one guy passes me on the way to the bathroom he was like. "I think your really gorgeous and funny and a lot of other things" Would you like to go out sometime. I was like yea sure. I told him that I'm just dipping my toes in the dating pool and not exactly jumping in with both feet. But hey, I could use more local friends.

So who knows.. last night may not be a total loss after all.
I'm gonna eat my leftovers now.

If I saw You in a Movie

This long distance has me out of my mind
But it gives me time to think
And it gives me room to see you
In another light

Sweet, wont let you go
Sweet, wont let you go

I went to the bar tonight and I looked awesome. Sure I was in my work clothes and came straight from work. But my hair and make up looked spot on. My girls coworkers made sure I looked spectacular, and I turned heads, I know I did.

I started talking to this guy he just broke up with his 2 month girlfriend. I was like uh huh... dont even start to talk to me about break up pain. Today is not my day. We sat and shared stories. I told him about my life, jobs and love. He told me about his. He smoked alot. He smelled like cigarettes. Badly. Although his mint habit was out of control, his tobacco stench followed him like the bad habit he has.

BUt I still had a good time just because I had no expecations of this evening I just wanted to go out and have a few drinks and maybe talk to someone. I did just that.

However, drunk guy, got drunker,
started touching my back,
started asking about my sex life,
started asking to fuck me,
started to tell me that I smell, then asked to fuck me again
started to buy me a drink(i declined and left)
and a few other things.

Meanwhile this guy on the kitty corner side of the bar saw my frustration? rolling eyes and started talking to me too. Trying to counteract the drunk asshole. I am sure he (drunk guy)is a nice guy, but 6 hours of drinking shit beer, wont really make you a personable person. At least I know more about the guy on the kitty corner that was a nice guy, And I know where he works as chef.

And he ate some of my food. (the drunk guy, not the nice guy)

So this is what dating freedom is like... uh huh. Im so far thrilled with the results. Please note the sarcasm in that last sentance.
I wrote to another guy on craigslist today. So far no response.

Edited to add
another lyric of a song i heard today

Ive seen it before, it happens all the time
Youre closing the door, you leave the world behind
Youre digging for gold, youre throwing away
A fortune in feelings, but someday youll pay

sure some of you may think thats pity party ish. But it isnt. Its still just me. I'm still happy. Which the drunk thougth was the oddest thing in the world.
Needless to say that I didnt tell him I was dancing in just my black panties to a oontzy song in my bedroom right before I got dressed for work today. Looking fuckin sexy I might add. These hips are fabulous.

Myself

I got my answers. Its over. His answers, spanned a lot of things, from him not being attracted to me, not loving me(which was obvious), doesnt respect me, he's not interested in earing my trust, he doesnt think I'm being honest with myself when it comes to my appearace, he is in love with someone else, madly even and so many other answers including one I dont understand. He said I was to judgemental. I dont think so, but he can think what he wants I guess.

So I got my answers.
So the question is. Where do I go from here.

I was shaking like crazy when reading his email. Not from crying, just from the sheer pain of it. I dont even feel like crying now.

I think one of the things that hurts the most. Is that I thought that when this seperation began. That we would both be in our separate homes allowing us to think and consider all possibilities without any outside influences. The fact that he had someone in the on deck circle just waiting to step up to bat, sort to speak. Because of that I feel that his judgement was affected by the prospects of new love.

Only questions now are... what happens next.
What happens to our debt WE created.
What happens to OUR mutally purchased items.

Ok I'm crying now.

Time Check

What a long day today was. Lack of sleep will do that to a girl.
Sipping on a BMW drink right now so all is almost right with the world, to a degree anyway.
Heading to bed soon after i finish the last sips.
My legs are just hurting tonight. Tomorrow is finally my "friday".

Today I asked a lot of coworkers whether or not it was to soon for me to actually join match.com. They all said no.
I will consider thier suggestions and figure out whats best for me.
Tomorrow I have to go to glenns place to get the house key as he leaves for phoenix for a week. I have to water his plant.

I sent him a email filled with questions this morning. Those questions are the ones that keep me up all night trying to figure out the answer.

Thursday I get my table. I'm quite excited about it really. Cause then I get to hang up this beautiful red star one of my friends sent me over the top of the table.

I also need to go to goodwill to find some more winter type clothing for work.
Gosh i'm beat. But still happy with who I am and the values/honesty I'm maintaining.

OH! My friend posted a close up picture of me, and I like it. I never thougth I would like a picture like that of my face cause my smile always looks so forced and fake with all the weird head creases and so forth. This one is just me. Freckles and all. It looks cool.

Grace to Grace

I got back home thanks to a coworker at approx 10 am this morning from our early 8 am meeting. I stripped off my clothes, and slid into bed.

My thought as I was sliding into bed.

Wouldnt it be nice to be sliding into bed with my husband, him throwing his warm arms around me, telling me he loves me and then either snuggling ourselves to sleep or sex then sleep.

Unfortunatly the only thing keeping me company during my hour long nap was the garbage truck slamming the containers around at 10:25.

In other news, I may of just purchased a table off of craigslist.
Its 125$ plus 25$ for shipping which I am gladly paying.
I may actually be able to have someone over for dinner, that is provided I start cooking.

Gotta leave for work again. A 12-9 today. I should go make myself look presentable.

Rhyme & Reason

Its 4:40 am. About 20 minutes ago I got up to go to the bathroom. When I got back my damn brain filled with thoughts and words that I know I shouldnt think of at 4:40 am.

Thoughts like:
You ate to much today.
The woman your husbands in love with is a size 2-4.
She's thin, your fat.

Just the facts you know. Its not comparing myself to her. I did eat to much today, er.. well yesterday and she is thin and a size 2-4 and I'm not.

And voila... sleep stops.

I then thought about one of my coworkers whose struggling at work cause she's not getting enough clients. I thought about ways I could try to help her cause she is super nice and I just worry she's going to go somewhere else.

Then I thought about a picture that was posted of me on one of my message boards. Its a picture that was taken on tuesday, the day I'm in my lace dress, by my professional photographer friend. Its an awesome picture. And yet, I'm still not happy with how I look in it. I look great mind you. But something is still missing.

Then I thought about Glenn and I. I thought what if, what if we got back together. What if I got to move back in. When and how would I ever start trusting him again. Would the first night he stayed out late, would I be at the house in a panic that he was sleeping with someone else again. Its called pre-torture you see, i'm torturing myself now so it will be easier to do it later.

I then thought about our debt. Our entire new car worth of debt. I thought about if I was still living at home how much reduced that debt would be. My entire paychecks could of been put on that debt every month. Every month we could of sent them around 1k. That debt would of been at least 5k less than it is today. Still a new car amount, but at least it would of been a cheaper new car worth of debt.

This is why I should never go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

Today is sunday. Last night at work we had a power outage. I still had to wash all the cups and coffee/tea pots. I washed them all by candlelight. I wonder if the power is back on.

Its 5am now. I should try to sleep. Another 1-10 shift tomorrow.

5150

Had a great time with a friend yesterday. Which will sound odd, when I let it be known that friend is Glenn.
I went over pretty early to do laundry. After watching an episode of deadwood while he was on a IM meeting, we went to lunch at a local thai place.

Then we were off together to a chocolate factory tour. Oh my gosh.. was that wonderful. Then soon the chocolate/caffiene and anything else thats in chocolate chemical wise started kicking our asses. I had such a headache from the amount of chocolate i ingested. We did a little shopping and then went to a variety of bars in the Fremont area. It was happy hour after all. Then drove back to ballard and went to one of our usual haunts. One of our friends joined us there later. I had a bacon cheeseburger and a few double rum and cokes.

Glenn and I then left the bar and went back to his place to watch stargate. However that was after my left leg practically stopped working and I had to have glenn help me get home for part of the walk back. I could hardly bend my knee. It just came out of nowhere.

We talked quite a bit during the day about things we want to do. I talked a lot about my weight and losing some, also about starting to train for the marathon.

I really dont know how or why I am still hung up on weight issues with myself. I guess its like a recent articlethat I read that one doesnt consider themselves thin unless they have a flat stomach. Which I dont have. I have this undulating blob of fat that doesnt seem to get any smaller no matter how much weight I lose.
I will keep trying however.

After I left glenns last night I threw away some junky type food that was left in my house after I got back from burning man. I figured it certainly wasnt going to be helping me in my weight loss.

I also guess I'm just stuck on the fact that when I see personal ad's on various websites, guys are just always looking for one type of girl. Someone thats Height weight proportionate. Which I am not. I look good and as I sit here in my size 8 shorts I know that I'm still not thin "enough" for a large percentage of guys out there. And its all because of my belly. I love the rest of my body. And I know most/all women have one body part they just cant stand. For me Its my belly. I hate it. Its just so pocky and bulbous and not loveable.

But yesterday was a great day and I had a lot of fun with my friend.

The Song Remains the Same

With my adaptation on a line from the movie I just watched yesterday.

I was born when he kissed me
I died when he left me
I lived a few weeks while he loved me.

I woke up at some point last night and had to take some motrin for the pain in my left leg. I dont know what it is, but it is a signifigant muscle pain that just more like a dull annoying and not in the sharp stabby type pain spectrum. It runs from my hip to my knee.

Also the pain in my chest that is probably still my heart/soul/etc inside me thats still reeling from the pain is also continuing. Unfortunatly it only goes away when I'm... hanging out with glenn.

I went to the bar with glenn last night. It was fun and we laughed together while watching southpark and drawn together on comedy central. I had a really good time actually. I think he did too.

I had my hair colored today. Its ok. It will grow on me I think. And in 6 weeks I will do get it colored again.

I'm gonna eat a little bit more lunch and head on out for my adventures in downtown/capitol hill. I never had breakfast this morning which has thrown my insides for a loop.

Its 1 in the afternoon. I hope to get to downtown area around 2:30.. i'm kind of a bump right now, and just want to veg for a little bit.

But I feel good today, I feel very "with it" with my life. Ever since when I declared the pity party over. I just felt very alive again. Doing things that I feel are right for me.

Was There

Paused my black and white bogart movie.
Slowly pulled my zipper on my dress down.
The left strap lays lays down near my elbow.

Its almost time to end another day.
I got home right around 10pm tonight.

I actually fixed myself some "real" dinner. That is if you call a chicken breast and some rice pilaf dinner. I ate only 1/2 of the chicken breast and maybe a cup of the rice.

I then proceeded to eat some pretzels, a chocolate pudding, two little debbie nutty bars and about an ounce or so of cheese. So much for that light dinner.

My dress is hanging about my waist now.
Ive watched 27 minutes of this 1950's black and white movie.
I undid my pony tail and have curled my hair into a tight little bun at the top of my head.

I'm in a weird moody mellow mood tonight.
I cried on my way home from work tonight.
Considering i was like a animal in heat for most of the day, crying on the way home was an improvement? I dont know.

I reread and read again Glenns most recent email to me about this whole deal. I also reread his blog again.

Unfortunatly for me it only creates more questions, that I will never get to ask or get answers for. So it goes.

I looked cute today. In my flowery dress.. which I took a picture of, but havent uploaded it. Maybe tomorrow I will edit this post and stick the picture in.

I'm eating to much however. I know it. I can feel it.
The craigslist guy hasnt written me back. So it goes.

I should watch more of that movie. I've had it to long.

I wore a ring on that finger since February 2000. No wonder why I feel so awkward.

The dress is off.

Enid

The rush of panic still crosses my heart every time i brush anything across my left hand.

Tonight at work I was pulling some capes out of the laundry basket and I thought for sure I felt my ring slip off my hand. I felt this wave of panic and then I had to think, oh thats right I took it off.

Sitting here at my computer tonight I started tapping my left hand on a beer bottle and was wondering where the happy clink click clink click was.

I know I know.. and I know letting go is hard. But something still doesnt feel right. Something feels unfinished with us. Like we still have life to live together. I know its not going to happen right away. But I still feel like there is just something unfinished between us and I dont mean divorce either.

But I felt good today, albeit paniced and freaked that I left something behind.

Someone at work was really proud of me for taking it off. Said it took a lot of willpower to let it go. I was always so proud of that ring and what it stood for. I loved looking at it in the sun, the way it sparkled. Twirling it around my finger, and making sure it was on my finger the RIGHT way. Making sure I never wore it when handing meat, in the shower, or any time it could get lost or damaged, cept for burning man of course. Where i knew that was always a risk of losing it. But never did.

My hand just feels awkward, and foriegn to me now. Something isnt right and the rings ghosting on my finger, just keeps that little bit of paranoia circling my brain.

So in other news. I wrote to a guy on craiglist. He wrote me back and in his reply was "So will I be your first date since the separation?" I sat here puzzled and was going... first date eh?

Also in other news.. I'm so freakin horny. I'm going mad.
Ok one more beer, then its bed time. I think i may actually go to the gym tomorrow.

What you Live by

As I headed to the closet to pick out my work outfit for the day.. I had this thought that I wanted to look pretty today. Not to say that I dont look good every day. But today I wanted to look great for work. Sure its one of our slowest days and I'm going to be putting away inventory for most of the day which this little dress will hamper.. but I'm doing it anyway. I felt like looking better than good.

So today is the black dress with white polka dots day.

I got on the scale this morning. Still 5 pounds up from the playa.
I hope that once I can start getting to the gym regularly for training that it and its counterparts will melt away.

I would like to get down to a reasonable 135 or so. I'm at 153 right now. The dress is a sized 10. So 18 pounds give or take 1 or 2.

Dont really have a time or a goal to get to said weight.. its just where I think I would look and feel at my best.

Today I feel tired. But decent. I got a decent amount of rest, cept for the 3 oclock stomach cramps which had me doubled over in agony.

Then there was the weird dream about being stuck in cart to cart traffic in a trader joes.

Will

I would like to announce..

The pity party is over

Something changed inside me today. I dont know what it is. But. I decided today that its time to act like myself for a change. The past 6 months I havent been myself (for the most part) I have been acting like a wounded animal that probably just needed to be put down. But not any longer.

Today is the first day of my life.
I'm smiling cause I know I'm an amazing and extrordinary woman. And its damn time I start acting like it.

I'm making plans for this shitty little apartment.
I'm making plans for me.
I'm going to get my creative outlet.
I'm going to sign up for that run.
I'm going to finally do what I need to do for me.

Today IS the first day of my life.

I'm going to start sewing curtains, dresses and so forth.
I'm going to get my cafepress store going.
I'm going to capitol hill and go to an art store and buy supplies to try to start yet another hobby and something I've always wanted to try, but was to scared to fail.
I'm going to capitol hill and getting myself new shoes for running.


Today is the FIRST day of MY life.

The pity party ends today. Does that mean I wont be sad about Glenn and I. No. Its a part of my life as well. Does that mean I wont cry? No, crying is natural and human and Its taken me to many years of my life and too many years of therapy to not be human. Does that mean I wont keep feeling like i'm missing something, kind of that leaving the oven on sensation every few moments, when its only because my ring is not longer on my hand. Well hopefully that feeling will fade. But its time to live and learn to love every one of these emotions cause I've earned ever one of these emotions i get to feel now.

My life starts.... NOW.

Straight to Hell

Ring came off at 10am this morning.
The eye puffiness cream went on at 10:05.

I cried a lot last night.
I also dreamed of Glenn.

I went over to the house last night to drop off a check to him. My legs buckled from the pain.
I cried curled up in a ball on his floor.
We talked til 3am again, between my sniffling and shaking.

I told him I'm going to try to move on, but I'm never giving up on us. He said thats fine if thats what I need to do.

Still something with us seems unfinished. Like a book thats only half read.

But my suffering has to slow down. This pain has to get easier.

You and me
We used to be together
Every day together always

I really feel
I'm losing my best friend
I can't believe
This could be the end

It looks as though you're letting go
And if it's real
Well I don't want to know

No Doubt - Don't Speak

I think thats another part of the equation here... I am losing my best friend or should I say I lost my best friend.

Gosh my hand looks ugly with out the ring. It feels weird. I feel weird and tired.

Hold me down

So I decided as of step one was to take my ring off.
I'm crying like a psycho right now.

Me being married is like breathing.
It was my life, it WAS my life.

When I wake up tomorrow I will take my ring off and I will start this letting go process. I'm in so much pain.
He will never know my pain, and I know for certain SHE will never know my pain.
I bet the fuckin farm she has never felt pain like this before. She has never felt the pain of her husband leaving her for someone else. The pain of her husband telling her its all her fault (he hasnt done that in so many words), the pain of knowing and feeling that you cant breathe and your drowning in your own sorrow. The pain of her husband telling her he doesnt love her. She's got fuckin easy street.

She's got my husband, the kind and gentle man I fell in love with. The man who is considerate and compassionate to those he loves.

The ones he doesnt love. Well fuck them. Kick them to the fucknig curb.

I cried a lot tonight. I cried a lot out in public.
I cried in the restroom of a bar.
I'm crying now.

I'm taking off my wedding band and engagement ring tomorrow..

Tomorrow I stop breathing.

I Go Crazy

So I'm at work smiling through my pain and tiredness.
Fake it til you make it, they say.
My voice actually cracked at one point when I wished someone a good day.

Is there a guide to letting go? Is there a lesson plan on how to stop being in love.
I know I have to for both our sakes.

If I love him as much as I say I do and only wish him every happiness that he deserves, and if this is what will make him happy. Then I guess I have no choice in the matter.

Will letting go make me stop loving him. I dont know.
Its one of those things that I have to let go, but, I never have to give up.

I just dont know how to let go. I havent a clue on the first step. Sure no or little contact (As long as I can still do my laundry.)
But what else. There has got to be more.
How long will it take to let him go. How long will it take for my insides to not gnaw at me. How long will it take for me?

So many things and questions I still dont understand.
And I think because of that... Letting go... is going to be harder than even he imagines. Cause there are too many unanswered questions.


I just did a web search on letting go... i found this quote

Letting go is the natural release which always follows the realization that holding on is an energy drain and it hurts. Letting go happens effortlessly when there is no other choice. Letting go does not mean giving up.

I think i will be doing a lot of thinking on that one.

Hopes Up

"I Dont love you, I dont Love you, I dont love you, I dont love you..."
"Its a moot point now, seeing as we were staying together for the benefits"
"I dont want this dragged out for forever"

Some of the things that were said in our most recent and from what I understand it last battle of me trying understand why this is going on. I still dont.

Sleep was hard to come by even with two trazadone. I thought of so many things I wanted to say, but wont be allowed to. In person anyway, at least I can still say them to my blog.

I'm not even sure how we wound up in the discussion again last night.

I still feel like something between us is unfinished. And I know its not just the divorce. He says its my denial and my daily mantra of this isnt finished/this isnt over.

But i can only feel how I feel.
Fucking depression. If only we could of seen how this relationship would of turned out if I wasnt in a cloud.
I guess thats why I feel like its unfinished, for neither of us would know how we would be together when I'm not depressed.

Blah. Its all just wrong. And neither of us is willing to budge on our ideals, desires, needs, wants. And nor should we have to. Unfortunatly our ideals, desires and etc are different.

But something is still out there besides denial.

In the mood

I went to the bar. Ihad 4 cosmos.
I talked to this guy who is in a band that starts with the word Rye.
He was like I just like hearing you talk. Tell me he says, have you met anyone since moving to seattle.

I tell him technically I'm still married.
He was like someone gave you up?
Someone gave up those cheekbones?
Someone gave up that hair?

I said that someone is fuckin someone else right now. And that now was approx 1:00 so more than likely he was fucking her.
He is probably in a restful sleep with her in his arms.

I will be sleeping alone.
I also think I may be falling back into depression again. Maybe its just a post playa blues. But I just dont feel right. I dont want to go back to feeling like that again. It was ugly and unresponsive.
But most days I think to myself that I will be alone for the rest of my life or that I will never feel the love of someone again. Or that I'm to imperfect for someone to love me. And I know the only one I'm to imperfect for is sleeping on capitol hill right now.

Still, I cant understand how one be in an "open relationship" and still be "in love". Thats not love.

Or as I took a picture of at burning man this year


Still all I can think about is when just about 2 weeks ago he was holding and kissing me with passion and love. Its just all I know in my heart is his love. Blah. Its 1:40 in the morning.

I hate sleeping alone.

we're in this together

So here it is 11:11 pm. The pub is having its 3$ cosmo night. I should be there. I'm always there.
But I just feel so blah and lethargic. I napped before i headed to work to do inventory night.
I've had plenty of sleep. But yet I just feel like sleeping all the time. Maybe a walk would do me good. Get me out of this house.

My head is so torn in two.

Its weird to have your head and heart yank and pull so many ways. To many thoughts about "you can do better" "You deserve better" "blah blah blah" "Makes me feel whole" "His smile lights my heart" (gosh that last one sounds corny)

I just been realizing that I just feel so uninspired so blah.. I'm still going through my photos and so far I think they all suck. Last years photos were really good. This year.. gosh. Its like I wasnt even trying. Perhaps I wasnt.
Perhaps.

Before I left I was considering "joining" match.com. But how could I honestly go on dates if I'm still in love with my husband. I often think about love. I often wonder am I still in love. I think for a moment and I still have to say yes. I look at pictures of him or even see his face and I just know.

11:24 I still havent decided what to do. I better do something but sit here and find split ends all night.

The Stranger

I'm in a constant state of tired since getting back from the desert.
I sleep fine, wake up exhausted. All day at work yesterday I felt just like taking a nap.
I slept quite a bit last night with only waking up once around 6:30am. Finally getting up around 9:30 after going to bed at 12 or so.

So i completly freaked out yesterday when I had to go buy my birth control. I had to pay full price. It was just shy of 60$.

I have to figure out a way to make more money per month. If I could figure out something that I could make and sell or something. I will still be making my cafepress store and I hope that that does well. I also added a link over there ---> which is to a games site I really like, and my recommended and favorite games(and a way for me to make a little money (i hope).

But there has got to be something out there for me to make an extra 200-500 per month which the only thing glenn says to me when he stopped by last night, was to move out of this apartment and into something smaller. As much as I hate this apartment. I do like the amount of space it has.

He stopped by cause he was wondering how I was feeling after my paniced phone call earlier in the day. I think I was on the onset of a panic attack, or I may of been in one. Perhaps it was just a combination of having to go back to work, seeing the readout on the cash register screen as it announced to the world how much I'm going to have to pay for birth control, perhaps its just being constantly tired. Or all of the above.

Glenn was in a bit of a bitchy mood last night.

I'm going through some of my burning man photos and making them web sized. So far I havent found any good ones. The camera I ordered off of ebay wont be coming and I am getting a full refund. So at least I have that money back that I will need. So more than likely I wont have a digital for a while. But at least I can buy groceries.

Momentum

For a while I thought I was going to try to recap the rest of the week. But I think it would bring back to many emotions.

To say it was a comedy of errors which had me wanting to leave the event on wednesday morning. Which may of been the correct choice in the long run.
I will just say a lot of shitty things happened around me during the rest of the week.

I came home very uneasy. I'm still quite uneasy about this whole experience. I wasnt looking for some epiphany or some mind blowing experience out there. I know not to set myself up for expecations. I went into it like I usually go every year. I knew this was going to be different. But I certainly didnt expect so many things to go wrong.

Bah. So I'm home. And I feel like something is unfinished. I feel very disjointed and uncomplete.
I rolled up to Glenns house, walked in the door and collapsed on the floor after my last drive up from Bend, Oregon.
We got a couple things out of the car and went to dinner at the pub.
But that wasnt until after he caught me up on the world at large. He also gave me a bit of shocking news. He is getting a vasectomy.

After dinner we went back to the house. I had told him during the night I was mentally not prepared to go back to my house yet. I still dont know why. We then proceed to have the same fight we always have. I asked him about the day I left and if anything I did for him meant anything. He said it did, but "not in the way that I wanted".

So nothing is changed in that department either. I was hopeful, but I knew it wasnt going to change. He also told me that he hadnt had relations with her since I left. A self imposed celibacy "so he could think about things" He did hang out with her on occasions.

I slept on the couch.

I asked him on the walk home is the only reason why your getting the big V is so you can have unprotected sex with her. He said no. He just wanted to get it done before his insurance ran out.

After I got the car back to the rental car place I went back to my house. Moved some stuff away. And realized I needed to get the digital camera from his place. I email, get the reply and head on over.

He was acting different towards me when I came over that last time. And I asked him. He didnt have any reason. He took off his shorts and climbed into bed and announced he was going to take a nap. Playing around I asked if I could nap with him. He said if you want to. Again my WTF meter went off. I asked why would you want to? He is like you dont get it do you. Obviously not. He wants a different type of relationship. He said him and the other girl have an "open relationship". I was like how can it be love if your both seeing or have the opportunity to see/sex with other people.

He says cause "sex doesnt equal love". I was like yes it does. He says well it does for you now, It doesnt for him. He then brushed his hand over my shoulder. My skin awakens to his touch. Gosh I wish I could turn that all off. I wish I could some how turnoff my desire for him, my love for him, my everything for him. Its like a drug and I'm always looking for a fix.

I napped with him, then had sex.
He had a date with her later that night.

Am I a fool? Probably. Am I doing what feels right to me. Yes.
I can listen to my friends telling me that I'm making huge mistakes by hanging out with him and not putting up with this bullshit. That I'm such a strong woman and so forth. (which by the way if I heard that line one more time on the playa I was going to fuckin scream)

But I can only live my life the way I live it. Do i feel like I need to make some changes. Yes. Will I ever stop loving him. No.
Would I take him back, Yes, however there would be some serious counseling and work that would need to be done.

Where do I go from here? I dont know. Just keep living my life I guess.

Double Agent

The following is a journal entry from Saturday:

I checked my face. I noticed a new zit and something that I was perplexed to see. A grey hair. But not on the top of my head, but in my eyebrow. The left one to be precise.

I set up camp. I slept, I dreamed little small dreams. Some puzzled me. Specially the one that Glenn joined me in the tent. I asked how did he find me. His reply, was thgat he knows be better than he or I thought.

The drive down was uneventful. A couple driving errors but no one was hurt or injured. My toes are still numb, for it got quite chilly last night.

So I'm alive. Sitting in the car listening to the "Quality of Life report", a book on CD.

My hands are already dry from handling all the playa gear.
Its 20 til 10 and time for me to head to cederville and the last turn for the playa. Powerbar for breakfast.
The campground glenn and I would normally stat at seemed and was entirely devoid of life, cept for the hum of all the bees. Glenn is terrified of bees.

I hurrilly got my water and took of for the campgound where I am currently still sitting in.
But now its time to go.
But first a stop in cederville.
Somwhere I have always wanted to stop in but it was always closed up when we came through. I went into the gallery/saddlery shop. Glanced inthe windows of the coffee shop that offers panini's, wifi and pizza thursday-saturday from 5-9 only.
The town also had a store that offered tanning and waxing.

I have had a few of (ok more than a few) pangs for home and Glenn. But the strongest one so far came to me in klamath falls, for when I checked my cell and saw that I no longer had access to call him. I was then completey on my own.

Its a little after 10 am and is getting quyite warm. I have only a 100 or so miles to go, but in someways I've gone farther than ever.

Sunday:
Blue has arrived. So far the only other person from our camp.
Last night go so cold I thought aout all the things I could of brought with me to make it warmer. A light breeze is blowing. I'm still in my black tank top that I've been wearing since thursday. I've been "picked up" by most of the male members of wheeeville.
I'm not really sure I understand the point of that,
DL thought I was rachel when I walked up. Cause they havent seen me this thin and rachel is really skinny.
So I just realized that I cant put up my shade, since I left my joiner pieces in seattle. I will be probably be asking around today and tomorrow to see if anyone has extra 1" pvc. Bah such an idiot.

Booker and Ivy are here now. Mannequins are scattered across camp and my 19$ bottle of wine exploded in the car due to the heat. At least it was white wine and not red.

Monday (and my final journal entry)

Slept ok. Got the ear plugs in really well last night and it wasnt until after sunrise that I got up.
Booker has started building the pagoda and Ivy has gone on the first ice run. I feel really odd.
Its a warm one today. I want my bike so I can easily get to the portos.

~~~~~~~~
I will try to write in about the rest of the week at some other time.

Beer for my Horses

Back from the playa now and I think I gained at least 5 pounds out there. At least thats what It looks like as I sit in my chair typing this.

So lets catch up all the way back to the day before I left for the desert.
I was at work and Glenn walked in the door. I looked up at him and said Sir, do you have an appointment. He had a sad look on his face and I could instantly tell something was wrong. Well that and it was 4:45 and he was at my work. He said he had been let go from his work. Completly blindsided in fact. He then went on to tell me what had transpired in the last few hours. He also commented that Karma was a bitch.

He let me know that him and some of his coworkers would be going out in ballard and that I was welcome to join them.

With him losing his job, that also means I lost all my medical benefits. So I'm trying to figure out what I can do now in the mean time. Cause I need to get my annual pap soon.

So anyway. Off work and off to the bar. I sit next to glenn and listen as the guys talk about what the hell happened. Glenn and I actually held hands at some points during the night and it was a mutual handhold.

As we were all taking off for our homes at the end of the night, one of his coworkers and a friend of ours gives me a big hug and says, "It was so nice to see you two together again as you look so good together, give him time and keep an open mind and he will do the same".

So glenn and I walk off to our side of town. I asked him on the walk home wether he told me first or the girlfriend first. He said he told me first and was very glad I was there for him when he needed me.

He was a bit weepy that night and the next morning. Yes I spent the night at his place.
I weighed myself the next morning and it said 148.6. Which was my goal weight for the playa.

We then got up and came over to my place to sleep some more, cause there is construction going on across the street from his house. As i was packing up more and more of my stuff he come up behind me and wraps his arms around me. Turns me around and kisses me so passionatly and deeply it caused my head to spin. Later as he was holding me so tightly in his arms, a huge smile across his face, so much his face was just glowing. I asked, why are you so happy? He says, "Cause I've finally found what I was lookng for" We went for teriyaki for lunch and got my rental car and a few other errands.

I get some other stuff done after lunch and head over to his house to pick up a few last minute things. I said to him, I know your in a really weird head space right now due to the job thing, and I know that nothing that transpired over the last 24 hours changes anything between us." I went on to say "But I'm glad I we were able to help each other out today" (he saved me from a few severe panic moments as I was getting all the stuff togther and panic about the upcoming drive) I also said that I hope that he takes what our friend said to heart and that he does keep an open mind about us and that I hope that my helping him meant something to him.

With that, I gave him a hug, he kissed me 3 quick times and I got in the packed car and headed to portland at 6:30. I arrived in portland approx 10pm, I got stuck in a bunch of traffic heading south.

I kept a journal for a couple days while I was on the playa. I will be typing what little of that I have in soon. Then I will try to recap the rest of the week.