Laid So Low

Its now 5:17 in the morning. I woke up yesterday at 7:50 in the morning. So in just a few short hours I will be up for 24 hours. Go me. I'm eating my leftovers.

Leftovers from the concert that I saw with Glenn. Ok that sounds weird. Well, we went to a concert thats in a restaurant, bar, club thing. It was so wonderful of a space. And the band was out of this world. they sounded amazing and just watching the drummer drum was just epic. The band was Alan Holdsworth. I got chicken fried rice and potstickers.

My typing is going to be a little shitty, I am a little tired. But not tired enough to go to sleep.

So glenn and I went back to his place, watched some tv. Then I asked more questions, I got more answers. Then I got angry. really fuckin angry. So angry I wanted to pick up what ever was closest to me and fling it at something that would break. Like, the rush poster I bought him, or i dont know other random breakable things. I didnt, but the thought did cross my mind.

He got me a gift subscription to match com I havent redeemed it yet, cause as far as I am able to figure out (with little sleep mind you) I will have to start my profile all over again. There is no way to keep my current profile and get the gift. I sent an email to match .com to see if there is a way. I am sure there is and I'm just to tired to see it.

Oh.. why was I angry? He told me he spent his and my anniversary at her apartment.
They talked about thier weddings, as you see she is still married but separated as well.

Now if I could only lose my appetite again. So i can lose more weight. I know eating left over fried rice (btw, less than a cup was in there) at 5:30 in the morning isnt the way to do it. But i was hungry.

A coworker said to me today, that I just have such a good nature and am able to laugh at my situation. And its true. Cause if I'm not laughing, i'm crying. Well I didnt tell her that part.

I guess I just one of the things is I dont want to feel like I was a wasted part of his life. People come into our lives for a reason, I want him to think of me as a good part of his life. And I dont know If I am. I guess when I cry I cry for all the good times and just wish we would of had more years of them.

Two song lyrics that came to mind

It's only love
but love should make us strong
it's only love
but love has been hurting so long

and its all a part of me, it tears at my heart
only love
and it's all an eternity, hoping to learn
only love

there's a part of you I'm trying to reach
still a part I don't know,
tell me, is devotion a gift or a thief?
do you wish I'd let go?

Heather Nova "its only love"

Remember this, given us
by someone's set of parents
I don't recall, I admit
I don't know just who's to blame
for relics of our history...

To tell the truth, it wasn't bad
we had to have a reason
and lack of love wasn't it
We both know we had a past
but present must contain
a future where both of us can fit
*** Chorus:

So long and sorry, darling
I was counting to forever
and never even got to ten

Aimee Mann "Rip in Heaven"

I'm so damn tired of crying. I try to stop, but I still need to mourn everything I've lost in him. My best friend for one.

I dont know where my life is going to lead me, and maybe someday It will lead me back to him, and we will both be in the right place for love. Because I know that somehow I am connected to him.

Anyway. Its Just shy of 6am. I wonder what other trouble I can find at this hour in the morning.

edited to add: Its now been a full 24 hours since i got up. I'm heading to bed. Well I will try to sleep. Who knows if it will happen. 7:50am