Momentum

For a while I thought I was going to try to recap the rest of the week. But I think it would bring back to many emotions.

To say it was a comedy of errors which had me wanting to leave the event on wednesday morning. Which may of been the correct choice in the long run.
I will just say a lot of shitty things happened around me during the rest of the week.

I came home very uneasy. I'm still quite uneasy about this whole experience. I wasnt looking for some epiphany or some mind blowing experience out there. I know not to set myself up for expecations. I went into it like I usually go every year. I knew this was going to be different. But I certainly didnt expect so many things to go wrong.

Bah. So I'm home. And I feel like something is unfinished. I feel very disjointed and uncomplete.
I rolled up to Glenns house, walked in the door and collapsed on the floor after my last drive up from Bend, Oregon.
We got a couple things out of the car and went to dinner at the pub.
But that wasnt until after he caught me up on the world at large. He also gave me a bit of shocking news. He is getting a vasectomy.

After dinner we went back to the house. I had told him during the night I was mentally not prepared to go back to my house yet. I still dont know why. We then proceed to have the same fight we always have. I asked him about the day I left and if anything I did for him meant anything. He said it did, but "not in the way that I wanted".

So nothing is changed in that department either. I was hopeful, but I knew it wasnt going to change. He also told me that he hadnt had relations with her since I left. A self imposed celibacy "so he could think about things" He did hang out with her on occasions.

I slept on the couch.

I asked him on the walk home is the only reason why your getting the big V is so you can have unprotected sex with her. He said no. He just wanted to get it done before his insurance ran out.

After I got the car back to the rental car place I went back to my house. Moved some stuff away. And realized I needed to get the digital camera from his place. I email, get the reply and head on over.

He was acting different towards me when I came over that last time. And I asked him. He didnt have any reason. He took off his shorts and climbed into bed and announced he was going to take a nap. Playing around I asked if I could nap with him. He said if you want to. Again my WTF meter went off. I asked why would you want to? He is like you dont get it do you. Obviously not. He wants a different type of relationship. He said him and the other girl have an "open relationship". I was like how can it be love if your both seeing or have the opportunity to see/sex with other people.

He says cause "sex doesnt equal love". I was like yes it does. He says well it does for you now, It doesnt for him. He then brushed his hand over my shoulder. My skin awakens to his touch. Gosh I wish I could turn that all off. I wish I could some how turnoff my desire for him, my love for him, my everything for him. Its like a drug and I'm always looking for a fix.

I napped with him, then had sex.
He had a date with her later that night.

Am I a fool? Probably. Am I doing what feels right to me. Yes.
I can listen to my friends telling me that I'm making huge mistakes by hanging out with him and not putting up with this bullshit. That I'm such a strong woman and so forth. (which by the way if I heard that line one more time on the playa I was going to fuckin scream)

But I can only live my life the way I live it. Do i feel like I need to make some changes. Yes. Will I ever stop loving him. No.
Would I take him back, Yes, however there would be some serious counseling and work that would need to be done.

Where do I go from here? I dont know. Just keep living my life I guess.