China

Just a lyrics only post. I never actually ever read these lyrics before, but something moved me today to actually read to see what she was singing. I never liked tori before. Some of her stuff is still a bit annoying, but then sometimes..its cool and it makes sense to me on why people like her so much.

Tori Amos - China Lyrics


All the way to New York
I can feel the distance getting close
You're right next to me
But I need an airplane
I can feel the distance as you breathe
Sometimes I think you want me to touch you
How can I when you build the great wall around you
In your eyes I saw the future
Together you just look away in the distance


China decorates our table
Funny how the cracks don't seem to show
Pour the wine dear
You say we'll take a holiday
But we never can agree on where to go


Sometimes I think you want me to touch you
How can I when you build the great wall around you
In your eyes I saw the future
Together you just look away in the distance


China all the way to New York
Maybe you got lost in Mexico
You're right next to me
I think that you can hear me
Funny how the distance
Learns to grow


Sometimes I think you want me to touch you
How can I when you build the great wall around you
In your eyes I saw the future
Together you just look away in the distance


I can feel the distance

I can feel the distance

I can feel the distance getting close

Be Yourself

This morning i weighed myself. The scale read 143.6 In the last decade a scale I stepped on has never said that number.

Oddly enough Glenn and I went out last night and had a wonderful evening. Tonight i'm going on a date with Russ.

Today was a somewhat productive day. I went to fred meyer and got only 2 of the 4 things I was looking for. I went to joanns to buy a zipper and saw the line was about 20 people long, so I scrapped that plan. I will buy the zipper tomorrow and fix my cheerleader skirt tomorrow night. Its my halloween costume. I'm wearing it cause of how good it makes my ass look. I'm going to wear some black striped stockings or maybe the crossy diamond patterned ones.

All in all a great day. Oh while I was at fred meyer today I tried on a pair of jeans that were a size 4. I could button and zip them, however they werent comfortable at all and the muffin top I had going on would make a baker jealous.

I went over to the house this afternoon so glenn could take my new weight pictures, which i try to take ever 10 pounds.





Freaky eh? Top photo is at 180 pounds where I started this year at. The bottom photo is where i am today.

I also have to say that I just went on the suckiest date ever. I hate to say this, but damn, I'm way to pretty for this shit.

Metal Fatigue

"How long can this go on"

Every time I hear an allan holdsworth song, I think about the concert that I saw with Glenn at the Triple Door. What a great show that was. What a great night that was.

I got my work review yesterday and also got a .50 raise. So the way I figure it, one paycheck will cover my rent. Which is better than I was doing before. So now I can send more money to the credit card companies. Not much more mind you but a little more. I have to do my share I know I have to. Unfortunatly my share has to be a bit smaller. But as far as the review goes, they love me, they love how I work, and showed me ways I can improve. But they appreciate me. And its nice to feel that.

I checked my balance this morning and looked over the past few weeks. I spent a lot less this past two weeks. I'm very proud of myself. I didnt go out nearly as often and that makes me happy.

I'm really getting into the book that I got from the library. Just checked i'm now 146 of 162 for one of the books. I'm not at the end of the list anymore.

I've have done a lot this morning. Dishes, read a few chapters, laundry.
I slept pretty good even.

Every day is a new day and every day I feel that something good is going to happen soon.

Time to get ready for work. Which would normally be my friday, however, since my schedule shifted tomorrow is going to be friday. I will now have fridays and saturdays off. Which.... if I can finagle things, could mean I could go on trips to see my friends in california and colorado. And that makes me happy too.

Time's Up

I ate bad last night. For a while I was doing really good. I should of stopped at a point. But then that point moved.

I wanted something sweet. Then I wanted salty. Then I wanted..
Yesterday was my weigh in at work. 4 pounds of loss in 2 weeks. So thats cool. I think I'm around 148 right now, could be less however.

So in order to repay my "sins" of last nights eating, even though I woke up relativly late, I was dressed and at the gym by 9:35. 30 minutes on the treadmill, walking at an incline and then 10 minutes on the bike.

Time for me to shower and get ready for work.
I've been feeling great these past few days.

The guy I kissed has yet to call. I'm over it.
Time for monday. I'm pulling a 6 day shift this week. My legs are going to be aching by thursday I just know it.

Anybody Listening

I dont think it would be possible for my yesterday to be any better.

I woke up after a good 9 hour sleep. Futzed around here for a bit and then got ready to meet my friend for Thai food for lunch. After we ate we drove up to value village and I tried on a few things, skirts for work mostly. I didnt find any that I liked enough to get.

As we were about to leave I said, hold on, I just gotta see something just for shits and giggles. I walked over to the rack of size 6 jeans, pulled a random pair of the rack and went and tried them on.

My squeal of delight as I zipped and buttoned those levi blues and stood there in the dressing room just being amazed at myself. I bought the size 6's that were even on sale! 3.81 later I was grinning from ear to ear and practically in tears from the happiness. For the rest of the day I was holding up my size 10's.

We then walked around on broadway on capitol hill. We went into the goth store and seeing as my good mood was at a hilt I did something I've always wanted to do. I tried on a pair of fire engine red thigh high boots. After I worked up quite a sweat trying to get those vinyl boots with no zipper on me.. I was finally successful, with a little matching vinyl red skirt I stepped out of the dressing room, where my friend was waiting. After he picked up his jaw off the floor and went ... DAMN REBA! We both laughed so hard. And I was still just all a smile. It was a smile on the inside and on the outside.

To celebrate he and I went to my place, dropped off the leftovers, and went to one of the local ballard pubs. After we played a game of ms pacman and worked on our drinks, a guy walked in the bar. My friend went to get us a 2nd round, I said hello to the guy about something. He then got up to play some pool. We just kept talking.

My friend needed to leave to catch his ferry, so i went and paid our tab. While I was standing there, the guy comes up to me and orders another drink. He said, "will you be coming back together" I was like why are you interested in my friend? He just laughed and rubbed his hand across my back. I said I could come back in a little bit after I changed clothes. He said he was hanging out waiting for a friend.

I changed clothes, put on my size 8's and went back to the bar. Him and his friend were having pints. He bought me a drink, then another drink. I then convinced them to go to the pub with the cheap cosmos'. So off to the bar we walk, a few of thier friends meet us at that bar. While everyone else was outside smoking and it was pretty late in the evening and we had been talking all afternoon. I leaned in and asked him. Can I give you a kiss. He says yes and we kissed. It was the first time in months that I've kissed anyone. It felt wonderful and then we kissed again. So we will see how that goes.

He is a little young however, he's only 27. And if and when he calls I'm going to have to tell him about my current situation. Cause for the whole day yesterday while we were talking I just didnt have it in me to tell him. But I know that I will have to soon. He is just so sweet.

It was so nice to kiss someone and have them kiss me back.

Wish

Wish I had someone to snuggle with tonight. Its going to be cold and rainy for the rest of the night.

I looked so good today. I felt so fabulous. It would just be so nice to lay next to someone, have them hold me in thier warm arms and spooning.

Thats what I wish for.

It was a good day and I was just so alive today. I didnt back down and I did my job and I did it well. One of my coworkers bought me a beer, for all my help and hard work tonight. I really didnt eat any dinner.

I dont know if I'm tired cause its midnight or if its cause i havent really eaten anything.

Tomorrow I'm meeting a friend for lunch, so that will be cool.

Still wish I could cuddle and snuggle. I miss being touched and held.

K@#0%!

Woke with a sore knee. Went to gym anyway. Did a little walk on the treadmill at a 1-2% incline. A good workout none the less.
Home showered, ate my 1 packet of apple and cinnamon oatmeal and got ready for work.
I wrote to mark last night. So far no response. No respose from any of the emails I sent out via match in the past few days.

I dont know what to say.
I feel good however.

Its another rainy seattle day. I put some books on hold on the library website. Eventually I will get some of them, as I'm 156 of 156, and 373 of 373 and 370 of 370 waiting for them. I did reserve another book that I am now 2 of 2 of. So hopefully I can get the two books I have here read before that one comes in. I heard it was really good.

I hope today is a good day.

Our House

Today was a good day. But it was also an interesting day.
The girl I worked with in check in today is also going through a seperation/divorce. Her's is still very fresh. And she wasnt married for very long. I dont even think 6 months. At one point she looked at me with tears in her eyes, going, "just how are you so strong". I told her, I to have my moments of tears and weakness. Some even at work. But I just know what I have to do to survive every day.
She took a moment to recover. I stayed in check in, pondering my strengh.

A short time later, one of the male hairdressers comes over to me. I was like do you need something. He goes on, nothing, cept to tell you how beautiful you look today. He then gave me a really big hug and kissed me on the head. He is like I love this outfit on you. I was complimented all day long and I felt amazing. Its a whole 'nother world when the gay male hairdressers tell you how good you look.
I then took a moment to recover, cause it made me so happy, I cried.

I was called cute, adorable, sexy, and beautiful all in one day. And thats just from my coworkers. Every once in a while when I'm wearing my hair down, even the guests will comment on my hair. It just sends me reeling. I love getting compliments now. Which is a world of difference of where I was a year ago. And I say thank you graciously.

I had a lovely lunch of some diced beef loin, and salad, 10-12 croutons, and a little salad dressing.

Dinner was almost stale pita that I took from the leftovers from art walk last night and tuna.

While eating those pita's covered in mushy tuna, I just smiled to myself. For I'm just happy. Sure I have my moments. Sure there is still a part of me that longs for my husband. Sure I still have love in my heart for him. But I'm happy.

Today was a good day. Gonna futz around on the computer for a little longer, then get to bed around 11:15 or so, read for a bit then get to bed. As tomorrow is another day.

edit: one quick little edit. I do have to confess that there is still a part of me that keeps hope alive for a reconciliation. A part of me that wishes that I will get flowers at work, or just some sort of something along the way of him saying, I completly screwed up, can we work on this. Somehow, in the course of our relationship, I became a sucker for the storybook ending. I know I wasnt this way before.

Wishing it was

A black nordstrom skirt. Just above the knee.
A purple cardigan type long sleeve top.
My just below the knee black boots.
My hair done up in a weird twist, fluffy bun.

I look great today. I slept kind of decent. I went to bed around 11. Falling alseep was easy. Staying asleep when my landlord came home to his hardwood squeaky floors at 4:30 this morning, not so much. I was awake to a little after 6am. When I then had dreams about nail polish and a very strange church.

Its raining today. It would of been a wonderful day to stay in bed and cuddle with someone.

Change doesnt happen overnight. Sometimes change takes years. You just have to wait for it. Patience, he said to me. You have to learn to be patient.

I still know what my heart feels. And I know something just doesnt feel right. This whole situation doesnt feel right to me. Something is still out there missing.

Packaged Rebellion

I looked so damn good today. My hair came out the most perfect it has ever come out before. A periwinkle blue shit and a long skirt completed the outfit of the day.

And it was a good day too.
Its odd, I always have a great day after a fight with glenn. And boy was last night a doozy. He just has so much anger towards me its not even funny. And he's not letting it go. He's holding onto it like its a prize. He goes on and on saying, I'm am to scarred from this relationship, I have to many scars.. and I'm like dont you think I'm scarred from what I went through. But I guess that doesnt matter to him. "ding ding ding" he would say, It doesnt matter to him. Its only him,... just him. He's the only one hurt.

He doesnt care, and nothing matters.
It all started at one of the ballard pubs and I asked him when the last time he had sex. He was like "while I was in phoenix". I was a bit surprised at his answer on who the woman was.

Nothing matters. He doesnt care.

He got a little violent and threw some stuff around. Nothing at me, thankfully.

Nothing matters. He doesnt care.

So anyway. My good day. Work was decent. Art walk went well. And I managed to get out about a half hour early and was able to hit some of the artwalk, I so wanted to get to the fashion academy for they were having a recycled fashions and recycled art show. Fabulous stuff. I however, didnt think the little caplets deserved the $1300 price tag but...what ever.

Sipping on a bmw. Then i'm heading to bed. A good day indeed.

Crazy

So the date last night. It went well. I guess. We laughed, we talked, we drank and ate.
He then gave me a ride back to my place. I wrote him and thanked him for a great evening, he wrote me back with the same.

He's a nice guy, works at microsoft. He has done a few triahlons too.

After he dropped me off. I sat at home for a bit then went to join some of my coworkers at the pub. I had a couple cosmos and joined the girls for a birthday shot. Which I think was my downfall. I soon got insanely tired and paid my bill and staggered home.

I went right to bed, so much so that I didnt even get fully out of my jeans.
I woke around 3am to see one of my legs was still in the jeans. I have no idea how that even happened.

Glenn and I went to lunch together today and I picked up some books at the library.
Also today I called Planned Parenthood to see if I qualify for a program that has free/reduced cost birth control and pap's. From what the girl is saying I do qualify. So I scheduled my appointment.

ANyway.. I dont know if there is going to be a second date. I hope so.
Still something just doesnt feel right to me.

Oolaa

Its approximatly 20 minutes before I start walking towards my "first" date.
His name is mark. I'm in my new boob top (as my coworker puts it), my size 10 jeans and my purple doc martins.

My hair looks good today, thankfully. And I just did my makeup. Sometimes I really can pull it all together in an afternoon.

Also today, I went to goodwill, to get some tops for work. As you see I have so many skirts and nothing to wear with them.

I then ate some lunch and moved my desk across the room. Which I've been wanting to do for forever. I now can watch movies with the door open and not have to crane my neck or move the monitor from the glare from the window/door.

My desk is still a mess however, I moved it with everything on it to. And somehow managed to get everything plugged back in correctly even. Go me!

For a while I was pretty ambivilant about this date coming up. But now. I think I am a bit more excited. Perhaps it was seeing my hair come out good. I got 2 things accomplished today. I didnt get to the gym, but getting this desk across the room and vacuuming up all the spiders and bug corpse bodies was quite invigorating.

I feel good right now. Lets see how tonight goes.

Desperate People

Perfect title for my post toni... er morning. Its 1:46 am.
I went to a local pub with someone i corresponeded to via craiglist. He at first didnt think it would be a good idea to go out with someone whose separated.

So he agreed finally.
Come to find out. The guy's in a cult.

So after I was done talking to the guy. I went to glenn's to.. just hang out for a bit. I didnt want to go home. We talked and watched 6 feet under for a while.

I still had a great day. I felt fabulous.
I'm pretty fuckin tired right now however.

In some ways I'm really desperate.. But in someways. I'm not. I feel like I'm looking for something. But I already know what I'm searching for. Its trying to find it. Again.

But for now. All I can do is love the life I'm living the only way I know how. Just doing what feels right to me.

he gives me grief about being separated.. and HE's in a CULT. Dude..whatever.
What a weird life.

Greasy Kid's Stuff

I'm having a much better day today. I'm happy and smiling and well just enjoying the heck out of today.

I'm home for lunch now and I gotta head back to work in a few. But I just felt like saying today is a great day.

I did some exercising here at the house this morning. No time to head to the gym, woke up to late after swimming with sharks in my dream. Maybe gym tomorrow.

Who knows. All I know is today I feel happy.

Pudding Time

You know what I learned today. No one wants to date me. I have sent out a bunch of emails to guys on match. With no response, cept for the one guy who is also a seperated person.

I guess being honest about being separated is to much for them. Well fuck them then. not literally mind you. I could be dishonest and lie. But thats just not who I am.

I think from now on I will just wait for guys to contact me. I tried being outgoing and sending out emails. But I'm getting nothing.

Work is sucky today. Just cause i feel really shitty. My belly is in knots from something I dont know. I think its just gas or something.
Gosh I hope the rest of tonight goes ok. I have to be at check out for the rest of the night. I hate checkout.

just like anyone

my right knee is swollen and I hate my landlord.
OK thats not true. I hate that (I think) he has hardwood floors.
I hate that I cant and havent slept in my bedroom without earplugs in weeks.
I hate that he comes home at 7:30 in the morning, stomping around and talking loud on his cell phone, in which I can hear every freakin conversation.

I hate that with my insomnia, sometimes 7:30 is when I finally fall alseep.

I was sleeping so soundly this morning, not even noticing how swollen my knee is. then stomp stomp stomp. Creeaaaaak creeeaaaaak go his floors. BOING go my eyes and awake I am..

Then I notice the knee pain. So now I'm up, I took some pain relief, but I'm awake now.
Its so swollen. I can hardly bend it at all. Cant wait to stand up for 8 hours.

Ceiling Unlimited

Just another thrilling saturday night. A beer, a little dinner, and the internet.

I'm drinking "Freak Out Ale" from the brewers of Lagunitas. Its pretty tasty.
I'm tired and will be heading to bed soon. I didnt go to the gym today due to a few reasons actually. I woke up late and also my knee was swollen and hurt to bend. So not exactly run'able.

Tomorrow I think before work I will watch one of the dvd's I got from netflix, do my crunches, some small weight work, and start another day at the day spa.

Not much new on the dating front. I emailed 2 other guys or is it 3 now via match. So far no response.

I did hear from kevin however. I got his phone number, I guess i'm going to have to call him, in order to "hang out" and be "friends".

Other than that, watched battlestar galactica with Glenn last night after a few rounds of drinks at the pub. We were both feeling pretty good and If I had my way, a few rounds of tickle the one eyed willie would of happened. This celebacy shit is for the frakkin birds i tell ya. Who would of ever thought that I would be just craving sex like I am. there has been a few times that I just wanted to... uh...

Work is work. Notign really new, cept for the fact that one of my coworkers continues to drive me up a frakkin wall.

My hair looked really good today. Quite a bit of curl.
Oddly enough my "diet" started today. I ate pretty good today, cept for the beer of course. But, hell its saturday night.

All in all a good saturday.

Back In The Village

I think I may of found a winner in the "why the FUCK are you writing to me" catagory for these personal ad things. This one comes via yahoo personals.

thanks for being on yahoo - if you were not I may have never got the chance to met you !

if I look like someone you may like to get to know then you know what to do ! if not have a great day and enjoy !

thanks again !

we do live most of the year in kihei maui ! ever been there ??

I was like "we" then I read down his profile.

not looking for a woman that enjoys the bars and that type of life style ! been ther done that ! love the out doors and enjoy camping and gold panning every summer ! I may be young to say I am retired yet after the loss of my wife I found it to be more important to be ther for my son`s then running the family business ! hope that makes sence ? looking forward to chatting with you !

He likes !'s. But wait.. it gets better!

Education: High School Grad
Income: $100,000 to $149,999
Smokes: Smokes often
Drinks: Doesn't drink
Living: With kids, Family and friends visit often
Religion: Christian
Services: Monthly

WHY! WHY! WHY! Am I not getting any normal guys messaging me. Why am I only getting the freaks of the world. Did he look at my profile at all?

I'm up way to early.
I got to get on the scale yesterday, I lost 4 out of the 5 burning man pounds. So i'm back to 149. Glenn and I went up to costco yesterday and I picked up some healthyish foods for me to really kick ass at this biggest loser thing. It starts tomorrow.

For the rest of the day, I want to get over to goodwill, fred meyer and I hope to move my desk to the other side of the room. We will see what I actually get accomplished.

Had A Dad

Took my sleep stuff last night and still slept like crap. I'm so exhausted and about to put in around 10 hours+ at work today. This is now I think day 3 in my insomnia cycle.

I'm going to stop at the store this morning for some caffeine... Its only 7:40 am. I have to get dressed and ready for our monthly morning meeting.

gah. I cant even think clear at this hour.
I better start getting dressed, I have to leave in 15 minutes.

Current count of match.com men I'm in communcations with: 2

I'm so damn tired.
I did however, still do my crunches, and assorted other core strenghtening exercises. Its day 3 of that as well. I'm beginning to wonder, just how much of my "belly" is actualy just excess skin from when i was over 200 pounds.

This Sporting Life

So I was just about to write a check to one of our credit card companies. I thought hey I havent looked at my bank balance in a little while. EEE... While I do have a decent chunk in my savings, I wanted to keep my checking balance at a pretty constant level.
Its not at that level, its actually about half of what I want it to be at.

I looked over my transactions and pretty much I have to start completly limiting my time out of this house. Cause when I go out I spend money. Which is a problem cause I love going out and meeting new people. Its what I need right now. I need to get out, I need to meet people.

But when I am heading to safeway to pick up 80-100$ worth of prescriptions, I have to find a balance.

I dont want this debt to be so high.
and I also want to live and experience life.

I need to find another source of income.

and in other news.. My work is going to be holding a biggest loser contest. I think its going to be 8-10 weeks long. The winner is going to be based on a few factors so its fair to the people who dont have as much to lose. But the prize money is going to be insane! I am hoping to lose 20+ pounds during this event.

I slept like crap again last night. To much on my mind I guess. But when I did dream I dreamt about playing pool. Which I really dont care for. But what was weird about this dream, was that one of the rails was missing.

So I sent and also received an email from someone on match. I havent decided whether I'm going to write to this guy.

I wrote the check anyway. For 100$ It's not much but it will help. I'm going to be getting bigger work checks soon, come the holiday time, theres going to be a lot of overtime thrown around and I want overtime thrown at me.

Today's going to be a good day, I hope anyway.

Cruel Summer

10:16 this morning and I'm sitting here in a bit of a sweat. I just spent the past 15 minutes bouncing around, doing crunches, leg lifts, and some bi/tri curls with some free weights. I got up way to late to go to the gym. Since I have to go volunteer at a ballard thing today before work.

Glenn and I spent the entire day together on friday and I had a wonderful time. We first went to breakfast, then got changed and ready to go do some hiking. We hiked for about 2 hours on the Pacific Crest trail in the snoqualmie area. That is after we actually FOUND the trail. It was a bit hard to spot, the sign was quite tiny.

But it was a lovely hike, very green and lush.
We then started our drive back and proceeded to get stuck in rushhour traffic. And after we rolled in at the house, we got changed again and went to the pubs. It was a fun evening as it was a fun day. We bar hopped.
Having very little sleep the day before, i fell asleep on his couch.

My match.com subscription so far has provided me with nothing so far. Well thats not entriely true. I did get some winks and a couple emails. Emails like "feeling frisky tonight" from a 45 year old renton guy. I wasnt. Then there was the Christian guy with 2 kids. Well you know the answer to that one.

So far i'm not seeing anyone I want to write to either.

I'll just keep waiting and hoping.