Never is a Promise

Got home around 9:30 tonight. Had to stop at QFC for some limes. Its budget drinking night tonight. Its my friday night and I wanted to have some gin and tonics.

I ate my "traditional" pasta and sauce. Even though I think my sauce was a little.. shall we say off. I ate it anyway.

I'm now on drink one.

I will edit this post during every drink. Typos will abound! For This will be my only entertainment of the evening. Well that and maybe some sudoku. If I get really toasty, I will take some naught pics. Maybe I will even post them for my fans or my enemys.

I have a date tomorrow night. And I might be meeting someone for "coffee" also tomorrow. We will see.
I'm just so glad its finally my friday. I need to just veg out for a while.
OK.. more drinking.

Drink 2: I did one puzzle so far and responded to yet ano0ther craigslist ad. I know its just like shots int eh dark,but fuck. If I'm going to be drinking alone and at home for the next few weeks(months), I need some entertainment. Gosh this gin is tasty.
2 people put in thier notice today. 1 person put thier notice in the other day. In the past week 4 people have left my work or will be leaving).

There is a spider walking across my ceiling.

Drink 3: I have this feeling to go out. I dont know why.Maybe cause i've been inside for days. But if i just go to the bar i still will be inside. But at least it will be a different insdie than my apartment (which btw is at a respectable 60degrees now) or work. And just feel the need to be out. Maybe I can find a nice guy at the bar. HA! I kidd myself. At least i'll go out for a bit. I just feel the need to make out with someone. No time for make up. I can still make last call I think.

drink 4: at home. I did waslk to the bar. I did find someone I knew. he didnt buy me a drink. We did talk abotu relationships and the shitty way that men treat women. He is a guy by the way. gah.. I need something. I need someone. but its not exactly need as in being needy. its more like a longing. I long and wish I had someone next to me now, naked, in bed...making out.. *sigh*.. time for another. I spent so long to figure out that sex=love. Now I'm kind of wishing I could switch the wiring in my head just to get some.

Drink 5: Charlotte the Harlot is playing. Its an old iron maiden song.
I like this lyric here

Taking so many men to your room, don't you feel no remorse?
You charge them a "fiver", It's only for starters.
And ten for the main course.
And you've got no feelings, they died long ago.
Don't you care who you let in?
And don't you know you're breaking the law with the service you're giving.

Like i said its an old song, so I'm sure that fiver is a bit more than it was back then.
Another drink another message on craiglist. I know i'm not going to find anything there. And from what the guy tat the bar tells me I'm not going to find anything til; I stop looking. Well right now I'm not in that positon to stop looking. I need to look like its the air I breathe. I just feel like its what I need to be doing, not because I want to or even need to. But just because I just feel its what I should be doing. Not like i have anything to prove to anyoen either like its some compitition or anything. I just want to meet people, and I cant do it when I sit alone in my apartment every night after work. Its 1:33 am now. i'm still sipping on number 5. I kind of miss erlin a bit. Maybe I will write to him some day.

Dirt

It started snowing around 8pm, an hour before i was to leave work. I had to "borrow" one of the umbrellas so I could get home with out being too covered. As my only warm jacket I have doesnt have a hood of any sort.

Someone asked me today what was on my christmas wishlist. I was like well there is only one person in my life thats going to get me anything and thats my mom. And I told her to just give me cash. She's going to say in her card, for me to get something fun. More than likely I will just use the money on a bill or groceries or something not fun, just survival.

Picked up 2 new books today from the library and I'm looking forward to reading both of them. One is called "Congratulations on your Divorce... the road to finding your happily ever after" the other is I believe to be fiction called "Back in the Game, Dating. Take two".

Back in the game. Huh.. Its a game. Funny, it certainly doesnt feel like a game. It just feels like me coming home to a cold empty apartment. An apartment that I dont want to turn the lights on cause I'm using a lot more energy with having the heat on at a whopping 60. Woke to my apartment being 54 degrees this morning. I could almost see my breath while sitting at my computer.

I'm seriously going to lose it soon. Work drama is just getting worse, and its really weighing me down. Its so hard to keep positive and happy, when everyone around you is miserable.

People ask me all the time, how much weight have you lost now. And I dont know what to tell them. I havent weighed myself in weeks, if not months. I have no idea what my current weight is. But the way I'm sucking down these pudding cups, i'm sure its staying the same. Its funny, but the pudding cups is one of the only thing thats making me happy these days.

I may have a date on friday, a lunch date, that i got via responding to a craigslist ad. But we will see if the guy actually writes me back or not. Maybe I just dont come across well via emails and messages. I'm just being myself... maybe no one understands me, maybe I dont even understand myself. All I know is that I look good now. I feel fabulous about myself. Why cant any of these guys see that? What am I doing wrong?

Tomorrow(today at the time i'm posting this) is finally friday for me.
Well, its time for me to slide myself into my cold bed and hope for my future and hope for hope. Its all I can do. I just keep living and smiling that I know its going to get better. I'm still happy, I'm sure my most recent posts havent sounded like it. But I am so happy with my life. Its not how I wanted it to go, obviously, but I'm still happy with how I feel about myself. But I just still can look at myself at the end of the day and I know I not only made people happy, but I made myself happy by just being who I am.

Sad But True

I'm going to start needing to wear gloves and a full on parka in my apartment soon. I really think my heat in here is just working when it wants to. Its a whopping 54 degrees in here and I'm about to hop in the shower.

I did my crunches and other ab strenghening stuff this morning as well as a load of laundry. Unfortunatly for me most of my long sleeve shirts for work are all line dry, so nothing went into the dryer. Hopefully they will be dry soon.

Holy shit i'm fuckin freezing. I've turned the thermostat past the 60 mark and its still below 60 in here. I just dont understand it.

Between works drama, my freezing apartment, my lack of money, my lack of any romantic interests, the fuckin christmas music, and a 100 other things, is it any wonder why I feel like I'm losing my fuckin mind.

And the song summertime starts to play.

wasteland

(I posted this one one of my message boards, figured it was just as appropriate here as well)

I'm going to go completly ballistic at work due to the damn fuckin christmas songs. If I hear "these are a few of my favorite things, Santa baby and or Most wonderful time of the year" I'm either going to puke, or scream or both. I'm going to go fuckin nuts soon. Its the same damn songs all fucking day long. I heard that fuckin same santa baby 6 fuckin times today and 3 differnt versions of "its the most wonderful time of the year".

fuck fuck fuck fuck. I HATE fuckin christmas music. and its not the most wonderful fuckin time of the year.. its a shitty fucking time thank you very fucking much.

yea thats all I have to say about that.

Heartbreaker

I've been putting off posting in here and I really dont know why either. Today however, just was an awful day for me mentally.

The what ever I had with Erlin is over.. as far as I know. He said he had to deal with his own mental issues over his last girlfriend, before he could put energy to loving again. Which is fine. He was always so emotionally distant, it was always hard to connect with him on any real level. I said I liked him, and told him that staying friends worked for me.

We had a great day on thanksgiving, til some drama started, with him and his ex via his cell phone.

I went on an odd little date last night. Which wont amount to anything there. The guy is way to old for me. Not that age is that important. But he just wasnt my type in other areas as well. So it wasnt just the age thing.

Its days like today however, I just feel so down and discouraged about my life. I'm a complete wreck today. I'm so fuckin freaked out over money, or the lack there of. I know I need to rejoin the gym, but I also have to come up with a significant amount of money to do that. Its like half of one paycheck. I'm floundering and its not good. I'm usually pacing in my apartment trying to figure out just how am I going to continue to survive on my income. Its keeping me up at night and I'm having to take more and more traz to get to sleep, cause i'm just so worried I'm going to finally have to start going into my savings. That money there wasnt to be touched. And I have to do all that I can not to touch it. I still have a little bit in my checking that will last for a bit longer (if I dont join the gym). I'm thinking about trying to find a second job, probably after i get off of work. Just some part time stuff. All I feel like I will need is just another 200$ per month to keep me afloat and not have to worry about changing my lifestyle even more than it already has.

Its also days like today that I just think about love. I think of the love that was stolen from me. I thought about the love I never got to share with him. I thought about all the love that we did share. He gave up on me. He never thought I would get better. He thought a lot of things. Now all I can think of is how he is dating I think at least 2 people right now, out having fun, smiling, laughing and etc. And I'm not. I'm currently living quite the miserable existance right now. I've got no one, not one possibility via match. My most recent craigslist ad has proved again, fruitless. And its days like today that I think thats how its going to be for forever. I'm going to come home from work, eat my pasta and cheese and sit here at this computer typing and hoping for love. Much like I did back in phoenix when I met glenn. I just think to myself, I want to love again. I just wonder will I? Will there be another "glenn" out there for me? He still haunts my dreams, both when I'm awake and asleep.

I just dont feel right, not being a part of a couple. I just dont feel right in general today. Tomorrow may be completly different and i could feel alive and all right with the world. BUt today. Not so much. today Just feels angry and bitter. I guess its the little things that I'm missing lately. Then I remember I signed those papers willingly. Due to what he's done. But that still doesnt negate the fact that I still care for the man, still miss him, and in some ways still have feelings for him. As wrong as that sounds. Its just how I feel.

Where am I going to find that extra money. Where am I going to find love again. Questions that have no answers, so far.

Wicked

why does man go to hooker
first of all because
he quite often is not all that happy and sexual satisfied at home
his wife won't perform all the activities he has in mind
and most of all, oral sex is a taboo
the woman would say "what do you think I am, a whore
i don't want to do that!
...
most of them come to a hooker and say
"my wife oh my wife is she dead in bed
she's frigid, cold as a starfish!"
they take off the pants
and their underpants
there's nothing more ridiculous than a guy with his party socks on
he dives into the bedroom
he says "do me!", suck it!"

Song is "sex (i'm a)" by lovage.

Just wanted to get that down.. heard that song tonight. A few things have gone on in the past few days.. But its way to early in the morning to write a whole post. Maybe if blogger is working I will type something out tomorrow morning before work.

Bad Girls

So I went to therapy the other day, first time in about 3 months. A lot had gone on since the middle of august.

But at the end of the session, she was saying, on how happy I sounded, looked and acted. She said that I'm doing great. I told her everything I could in our hour long session.

toot toot yea..beep beep

I'm doing great.. cept financially. But with every challenge there is a solution. For a little bit I was actually considering taking some naughty photos and putting them on a website a friend told me about that you can sell them for money. But I figured thats just like being a prostitute its still just sex for money. Doesnt matter if its via the internet, or on the street or in some tiny apartment.

I'm a smart girl. I will come up with something that doesnt require me to sell my self short. Cause I know I'm better than that.

My homeward exile ended yesterday. I went outside. Although I did spend the night over at erlins place the other night, it was still spending it inside. I walked around in downtown ballard, got some errands done.

Today I'm getting stuff done too. I finally feel alive and well enough to get some stuff accomplished. I wish I could of gotten some more things done, but due to this darn strep, only thing I could accomplish was sitting and sleeping.

Tonight I'm going out. I'm going back to the scene of the crime if you will. There is a group of people going to the Rendezvous room tonight. That was the place that Glenn met Dana for the first time. Thats where it all ended. It will be good for me to go there. It will empower me, it will make me feel better and it will be in the company of some good friends. Maybe I will meet a guy who, wont ditch me for a little piece of ass. Yep. Still angry and bitter. But you know what thats fine too. Its all part and parcel of being alive. Loving myself is all I know right now.

So in the Erlin court. I'm going to his moms for t-giving dinner then we are going out dancing. Should be a good day. We still havent had to much of an intimate relationship, since as he says, he's confused over the breakup of his last girlfriend. But he's a great guy and honestly I'm not in any real hurry either. Besides the fact that I havent had any sex in months, but I can hold on as long as I need to. And I am just seeing how things play out. Life is good. And as I've said before. I'm doing ok.

toot toot yea..... beep beep

Cosmic Slop

So I'm going on my 3rd day of sickness and my 2nd day of missing work. As they said in office space. I'm not really missing it. I'm just missing the pay.

Last night a huge crash happened in my bedroom and I let out a scream (more like a squeak) due to my swollen glands. One of my poster prints hit the deck and the glass shattered, it also broke an outlet. Which I'm going to try to get one of my friends to fix when I'm no longer contagious. I may have strep*.

SPeaking of friends, Erlin called me yesterday to go out to breakfast. I had to say no due to how I was feeling. I really wanted to see him.

I havent eaten very much over the past few days, mostly cause I cant taste anything nor can I swallow much of anything either.

*I finally sucked it up and went to the doctors at 11 today, to get diagnosed and to get medicene so i can go back to work. I'm on penicillin now.

I cried pretty hard the other night. Mostly because I'm still hurting from the end of this marriage. There are just some times I think about it and the tears just dont stop. What can I say, even after everything he's done. I still care for him. I probably care more than I should actually. I still cant believe its over, although i signed those papers willingly.

Its almost time for another nap. Thats all i've been doing now for 3 days is sleeping. I certainly havent eaten very much the past few days.

Almost done with another book however. I added a whole bunch of new books to my library queue. Ones about dating, some about dating after divorce.

Ugh. I feel so out of it.

She's Like Heroin

Saw my new friend again last night. He spent the night here.

Still something seems off. I was thinking about it last night while I was laying there awake, while our legs were entwined, he was snoring and I had my earplugs in.

I thought about energy. Every person has thier own frequency, i guess I can call it that. And sometimes you meet someone and thier energy/frequency is a similar wavelenght and combined the energy vibrates when the skin touches. Like I felt with Glenn. I always felt it. Even when we started being at odds with one another. There was always something there that just felt right.

I dont feel it with erlin, maybe not just yet. But its fun hanging out with him. We were a bit more intimate last night, nothing really to major, but it was wonderful. I dont think I'm going to be able to hold out much longer, cause I've seen the goods. The goods look good.

So today is my saturday. I'm going to go back to bed I think, then maybe a trip to goodwill is in order. Also laundry needs to be done. I wonder if i have any quarters, that would be no.

I'm craving some food something awful these days. Wednesday it was nachos. I couldnt resist the cheesy call. Resistance is futile when it comes to the melted cheese goodness. Today its other coast chicken salad.

At work the other day I learned that starting saturday we will be subjected to nothing but christmas music for the next 2 months. I think I am going to lose my mind. Hell the damn tree is up already. I think the employees are going to start to revolt at some point.

Its still raining. There has been massive flooding up here. Thankfully none in my apartment. Seeing as I live mostly underground. I'm going to need to get to rei or someplace similar to get a new rainjacket.

Tonight I'm going to be hanging out with the guys I hung out with on halloween. It should be a fun night. I feel great, tired, but great. Smiling and happy to be alive.

22 Acacia Ave

So Erlin picked me up from work last night and we went out to a fremont pub for dinner. He wanted a burger as he hadnt had one in a while. We went to the dubliner. We talked for a long time and it was just fun being out with him.

We then went back to his place and watched the end of a south park episode and Mystery Men. It was fun to see that movie again. He lives on a house boat. It was wonderful to sit with him. Him holding my hand and just being a gentleman. Which by the he always opens the door for me when we are getting into the car. Since saturday neither of us has a lot of sleep so he was falling asleep on the couch. He's so darn cute. It was after one when the movie was done so I just spent the night. Again he was a gentleman and didnt try a thing. We talked a little more and just cuddled.

Soon he fell asleep.
He dropped me off at home this morning, looking forward to our next meeting.
So am I.

Hooker With a Penis

Not even sure where to begin this one. What an interesting past couple of days.
The glitter sale, seacompression, Erlin, signing divorce papers.

Today was the day I was finally ready to sign them. Still the whole thing is quite upsetting. But I knew it was the best move. Do I think that he is still being an idiot for all of this shit. Oh yea. Do I think he's fucked up. Yep. But surprisingly I feel pretty ambivilant about it all. But perhaps thats the not the right word for how i feel. But I'm not sure what I'm looking for, I just feel fine about it now. Still its a pretty shitty situation. I just feel cold to it all. I was cold as I was leaving his house after I signed the papers. I asked if there was anything else he needed, he said no. I grabbed my stuff and walked out not even looking at him. Perhaps he found that odd. I dont know. Just a wave of indifference washed over me and I knew I was doing the right thing. He's going to be the loser in the end of this.

Anyway.. on to better and happier things.

The glitter sale! Oh my gosh, joy of joys this sale is to me. I got 6 wonderful gowns in size 4-6. Red, black and some shiny silver. Every one is a unique work of art. Some need a little fixing, but thats fine with me. There are dresses that just work it. Pictures to come later once i take them.

Seacompression: Gosh what a night. Time had never moved so fast before. One minute I was getting into the venue, the next moment I'm in someones strong warm arms and they are calling last call. It was a night of so much happiness. I'm getting all warm fuzzies just thinking about it. Some people didnt even recognize me due to my weight loss. It was an amazing experience, walking around in that skin tight dress and not having to think about how I looked. Cause I know I looked beautiful. I had random people coming up to me saying how good I looked and how gorgeous the dress was.
I just cant even begin to describe the happiness.

Speaking of those warm arms. Erlin, computer geek, lives on a houseboat in fremont. Such a cutie. We danced a bit but mostly just held each other, (we had talked off an on throughout the night). A few kisses were exchanged. Ok maybe more than a few.
And get this...

Maybe we could meet up after you get off work on night this week?

Was in his email to me today.

I gotta get to bed. I just felt like saying, I'm doing ok.

Fast as you can

Edit on nov. 3 now that I'm well rested and awake, mostly here goes the fill in with the slew of stuff.

An award at work:
On wednesday was our monthly work meeting. You gotta get up real early for that one. I got an award. Its for all the hard work I do, its called a Caring award cause I care. Everyone was so happy for me and said how much I deserve it and were always wondering why I had never gotten one before. I got a 25$ gift certificate to barnes and noble. I was just so giddy about it for the rest of the day.

The new red dress?:
So down the street from my work is this new little boutique. In the window for the past week or so they have had this red dress. I kept saying, if i ever have the chance I'm going to go in there and try it on. Then yesterday got weird. I left my house at what I thought was the right time only to find out I got to work an hour early. very strange indeed. So into the store I went. I went straight to the rack that held the dresses. The sales girl says to grab a bigger size than I normally would wear, cause they run small. So I grabbed the 8 and the 10. I tried the 8 first and it fit beautifully. It looked amazing on me. I found out how much it would be with my discount and I told her to hold it for me. Until after my weekend, when I will be doing quite a bit of shopping. But wow... what a dress. It would be a perfect holiday dress.

Halloween and all of its fun and sexiness:




Had a fabulous day at work on halloween. I wore that silver/black gown that I have always wanted to wear but was never able to fit into. I fit in it now and let me tell you the jaws just dropped after I got my hair and makeup done. One person said I looked like a movie star and that I was that stunning. Someone was like can you dress like that every day?
After work I changed into the cheerleader costume. Which is another one that I never thought I would ever fit into. Oh my gosh.. was it still a bit snug, but looked fabulous. I had a great time at the pub that night. Hung out with some people I know only from that bar, but hey every once in a while they buy me drinks. Halloween was a fabulous day for me.

Its not the dresses anymore, its me.
So while trying on that red dress that i mentioned above, I realized something. For a long time I was buying pretty dresses and gowns to make me look pretty as if the fabric covering me would be just the pretty dressing for something that was ugly underneath. Now thats not the case. I feel and look so beautiful and I know it. So now its a pretty dress on a pretty girl. The way it should of always been or should I say the way that it was, but not the way that I knew it. It feels good. Now I can buy my pretty dresses knowing that they are only the dressing and its whats inside the dress is what makes the dress look good.

Gosh I had a few more things to write about but that will be in another post. Off to a spin class with a friend from work. OOh gotta hurry!