Heartbreaker
I've been putting off posting in here and I really dont know why either. Today however, just was an awful day for me mentally.
The what ever I had with Erlin is over.. as far as I know. He said he had to deal with his own mental issues over his last girlfriend, before he could put energy to loving again. Which is fine. He was always so emotionally distant, it was always hard to connect with him on any real level. I said I liked him, and told him that staying friends worked for me.
We had a great day on thanksgiving, til some drama started, with him and his ex via his cell phone.
I went on an odd little date last night. Which wont amount to anything there. The guy is way to old for me. Not that age is that important. But he just wasnt my type in other areas as well. So it wasnt just the age thing.
Its days like today however, I just feel so down and discouraged about my life. I'm a complete wreck today. I'm so fuckin freaked out over money, or the lack there of. I know I need to rejoin the gym, but I also have to come up with a significant amount of money to do that. Its like half of one paycheck. I'm floundering and its not good. I'm usually pacing in my apartment trying to figure out just how am I going to continue to survive on my income. Its keeping me up at night and I'm having to take more and more traz to get to sleep, cause i'm just so worried I'm going to finally have to start going into my savings. That money there wasnt to be touched. And I have to do all that I can not to touch it. I still have a little bit in my checking that will last for a bit longer (if I dont join the gym). I'm thinking about trying to find a second job, probably after i get off of work. Just some part time stuff. All I feel like I will need is just another 200$ per month to keep me afloat and not have to worry about changing my lifestyle even more than it already has.
Its also days like today that I just think about love. I think of the love that was stolen from me. I thought about the love I never got to share with him. I thought about all the love that we did share. He gave up on me. He never thought I would get better. He thought a lot of things. Now all I can think of is how he is dating I think at least 2 people right now, out having fun, smiling, laughing and etc. And I'm not. I'm currently living quite the miserable existance right now. I've got no one, not one possibility via match. My most recent craigslist ad has proved again, fruitless. And its days like today that I think thats how its going to be for forever. I'm going to come home from work, eat my pasta and cheese and sit here at this computer typing and hoping for love. Much like I did back in phoenix when I met glenn. I just think to myself, I want to love again. I just wonder will I? Will there be another "glenn" out there for me? He still haunts my dreams, both when I'm awake and asleep.
I just dont feel right, not being a part of a couple. I just dont feel right in general today. Tomorrow may be completly different and i could feel alive and all right with the world. BUt today. Not so much. today Just feels angry and bitter. I guess its the little things that I'm missing lately. Then I remember I signed those papers willingly. Due to what he's done. But that still doesnt negate the fact that I still care for the man, still miss him, and in some ways still have feelings for him. As wrong as that sounds. Its just how I feel.
Where am I going to find that extra money. Where am I going to find love again. Questions that have no answers, so far.
The what ever I had with Erlin is over.. as far as I know. He said he had to deal with his own mental issues over his last girlfriend, before he could put energy to loving again. Which is fine. He was always so emotionally distant, it was always hard to connect with him on any real level. I said I liked him, and told him that staying friends worked for me.
We had a great day on thanksgiving, til some drama started, with him and his ex via his cell phone.
I went on an odd little date last night. Which wont amount to anything there. The guy is way to old for me. Not that age is that important. But he just wasnt my type in other areas as well. So it wasnt just the age thing.
Its days like today however, I just feel so down and discouraged about my life. I'm a complete wreck today. I'm so fuckin freaked out over money, or the lack there of. I know I need to rejoin the gym, but I also have to come up with a significant amount of money to do that. Its like half of one paycheck. I'm floundering and its not good. I'm usually pacing in my apartment trying to figure out just how am I going to continue to survive on my income. Its keeping me up at night and I'm having to take more and more traz to get to sleep, cause i'm just so worried I'm going to finally have to start going into my savings. That money there wasnt to be touched. And I have to do all that I can not to touch it. I still have a little bit in my checking that will last for a bit longer (if I dont join the gym). I'm thinking about trying to find a second job, probably after i get off of work. Just some part time stuff. All I feel like I will need is just another 200$ per month to keep me afloat and not have to worry about changing my lifestyle even more than it already has.
Its also days like today that I just think about love. I think of the love that was stolen from me. I thought about the love I never got to share with him. I thought about all the love that we did share. He gave up on me. He never thought I would get better. He thought a lot of things. Now all I can think of is how he is dating I think at least 2 people right now, out having fun, smiling, laughing and etc. And I'm not. I'm currently living quite the miserable existance right now. I've got no one, not one possibility via match. My most recent craigslist ad has proved again, fruitless. And its days like today that I think thats how its going to be for forever. I'm going to come home from work, eat my pasta and cheese and sit here at this computer typing and hoping for love. Much like I did back in phoenix when I met glenn. I just think to myself, I want to love again. I just wonder will I? Will there be another "glenn" out there for me? He still haunts my dreams, both when I'm awake and asleep.
I just dont feel right, not being a part of a couple. I just dont feel right in general today. Tomorrow may be completly different and i could feel alive and all right with the world. BUt today. Not so much. today Just feels angry and bitter. I guess its the little things that I'm missing lately. Then I remember I signed those papers willingly. Due to what he's done. But that still doesnt negate the fact that I still care for the man, still miss him, and in some ways still have feelings for him. As wrong as that sounds. Its just how I feel.
Where am I going to find that extra money. Where am I going to find love again. Questions that have no answers, so far.
posted by B at 11:20 PM
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