tell me when

Seattle eat your fuckin heart out!

and you too!
I feel so fuckin fabulous tonight. And tonight, I'm so happy to be single, cause damn I look hot.

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

Went out with glenn tonight. While we normally have a good night out together, well thats not to say we didnt have a good night OUT together, its just I got all emotional like I sometimes do. And then a 3+ hour conversation on why we arent together happened.. again. Things like the same things as before, he doesnt love me, he's inlove with someone else. Why i'm doing nothing but hurting him and myself ever more.

As much as I am so over everything there are things that just bring me right back to the same facts. I'm still in love with him. I know I know I shouldnt be. I know he has done everything in his power to hurt me, to make me feel like utter shit on a shoe.

Its so odd. There are some days that I am so on top of my life, so happy with the direction everything has taken. So happy at my new life and new opportunities, and then there are some days that all i want is his love to make me feel at peace again.

There are some days that I wish this pain would just go away. There are some days that I wish I would go away.

Its weird. Just the different sides to my head these days. Some days all I want to do is love him. Other days I am like you know what, he isnt as good as I think he is. In fact there are some things about him that I overlooked and still over look because of how I feel. But if I'm honest with myself, I know I have to look past all of this. Cause I know there is someone out there much better for me. Cause I seriously cant take this pain anymore. My heart cant take it any longer. I just wish someone would show themselves to me as someone to love.

I dont want to love him. I know I have to stop loving him. I know the divorce will be final in about a month from now. And I can look at it two ways. I can look at it as the end or I can look at is as a beginning. Right now at 4am, I just dont know which way thats going to be. I know the way it has to be, its just getting me to come to grips with that what was the most important thing in my life is going to be ending. Now all I have is the most important thing in my life. Me.

Amazed

38 POUNDS!

A pretty good showing for this year. Today is the weigh in at work. I think I lost 14 total pounds during the biggest loser contest. I'm working both today and tomorrow, which would normally be my days off. My next day off is new years day.

Yesterday I had to step up to the plate and help out where I was needed, oddly enough I enjoyed it immensly although I was so dead tired when the day was over. But I was doing laundry and busting my ass around cleaning up the spa, plus my normal duties. Still I had to take a 1/2 traz to get to sleep last night.

Currently my headache is nowhere in sight.
Last night I had dreams about fabric, flies, Glenn, Dana and 2 cats. (for those not following along regularly, dana is the girl that I not so technically got left for)

That Which Doesn't Kill You

As I say, Just Doesn't Kill you.

I went to bed shortly after 11:30 last night with a pretty killer headache. And I never get headaches. Sure hate me now. But when I do get one, it seriously knocks me down. And i was down until approx 9:30 this morning. With only one brief wake up during the evening.

I felt good this morning when I woke up. Content even. I gandered at the want ads on craigslist and contemplated going into the restaurant buisness, that means just being a hostess/server assistant or something.

I also felt good because yesterday after dining on some french toast and a big glass of water I felt the strange idea to get on the scale. Now normally i wouldnt weigh myself after eating, but I did it anyway and saw something odd. 140.2. Which means only one thing, I was at 139 prior to eating. A new number. I'm going into 2007 with a new lease on life, a new way of thinking, a new pants size and new hope for myself.

I feel just so comfortable right now.

My match.com ad will be expiring in a couple days. I will not be renewing it.
I just checked my wamu statement. Some stuff hasnt gone through yet, and there is still rent to pay. But oddly I'm not worried about it. Everything will be ok.

That which doesn't kill you, Just doesn't kill you. And I'm not dead.

OOH OOH I just have to edit this in.
I took my measurements just a second ago. And since oct 28th I lost an inch and a half on my waist and an inch on my belly/hips. Its so damn exciting!

Sir Psycho Sexy

Wow its been about 10 days since I've written anything. Well as they say no news is good news. I really and honestly have had nothing to say and instead of just typing fluff in here I just didnt write a thing.

I got a gift from a friend via one of my message boards. Its going to be the only gift I get this year. I think my mom will send me some money.

With the thought that she is sending me money, i spent 10$ on make up yesterday and went out to dinner last night and spend 40$

Glenn got a cat. I met him the other day. Just the cutest thing. The cats name is now Geddy, after the lead singer from his favorite band rush.

I may go to a movie in a little bit then a group of friends invited me over to thier house for dinner tonight. So that will be cool.

But ya know, everything is a-ok with me. I feel good, I'm happy and I look great. Now if I could only find myself a date for new years eve all would be right with the world.

The Package

For a while today I thought I was very unproductive in what I had gotten accomplished today. But then I sat back and actually thought about all the things I did do.

I went for a 6 mile walk.
I cleaned my kitchen a bit.
I watched a movie that needed to get watched.
I made plans to go out with friends later tonight
I moved some stuff around in my apartment
I hung some art.

Sure it really wasnt anything earth shattering there. But I have to remember its the little things that count. And sometimes the little things matter more than the big things.

I'm responsible for myself these days and I have to remember that. That applies to everything, not just cleaning, not just upkeep, not just my health (both physical and mental), but my happiness.

Todays accomplishments made me happy. And it was all because I made it happen to make myself happy. No one else. No one told me to do those things. No one guided/helped me when I struggled(that bookshelf was quite heavy), no one but myself.

Happiness is my own doing these days.

Like for example last night. After dinner, I could of spent the rest of my night in the cold apartment(with no internet). But, I was like you know what its early... maybe those guys I know are hanging out at the pub. They are a fun group and always welcome me with open arms when they see me come up the stairs. I hung out with them all night long. We bar hopped all over ballard and it was nothing but laughing, smiling and fun. I chose to go out and have fun instead of staying in. Thats not to say I couldnt of had fun in the apartment. I could of certainly entertained myself with a book or two. But the social butterfly inside myself directed me out. And I am very happy I went.

Its amazing, what a year will do for someone. This time last year, well this time last year I was coming home from Biloxi, but mentally, I was mentally not here. I didnt like who I was, I put myself down, I didnt have any love for myself. I had no respect for myself at all. Then one day, something all just made sense to me. And I had no reason to continue that trend. I feel great about who I am and who I'm becoming. Because I'm always changing. Everything always is changing.

Sure I may have my down moments here and there, but its not depression any longer. Its just a bad day. I'm a woman, at times a bit of a moody one. But thats all part and parcel about being alive and feeling anything and everything.

I know its going to take time to fully heal from the end of the marriage. But thats not going to stop me from going out and having fun. And some day down the line, love will meet me on the street, or the gym, or the trail, or somewhere.

Its nice to be able to sit back and reflect on where I've been, and to wonder about where I'm going.

This is going to be an interesting new year. Because I'm going to make it that way.

Parting Ways

Felt into an old pattern tonight. That I remembered doing with glenn when we were dating. If the date didnt go exactly right. I would come home and look at my face really closely in the bathroom mirror trying to find all my imperfections. I would then pop, squeeze and all out distroy anything that deemed itself not "good" skin. Leaving my face a big red mess.

Which is what I got now.

The date ended at approx 10:15. After he picked me up for dinner at 9pm from work.
We went to get wings. He said he was tired and cranky and it wasnt me. Which it probably wasnt. But I still feel bad. Thus the face destruction. I just washed it with my good cleanser, and put some moistureizer on it. In the hopes it doesnt look to bad tomorrow.

Other than that I had a great day and a great date, that lasted an hour. The jury is still out however if there will be a 3rd date. I hope so.

As Time Slips By

My eyes might still be swollen from crying myself to sleep last night
My weight might be up two pounds (i'm really not sure from where)
My head is sprouting an enourmous zit.
And all I may have needed was a good cry.

This morning I feel odd, not exactly better. just odd. Maybe I just need to get stuff like that out of my system every once in a while.

And tonight, zit, swollen eyes and odd feeling and all, I'm going on a date.

Beautiful Girl

There are some days that I wish I never survived my depression. There are some days that I wish I was successful in various attempts of not living.

I may be a beautiful girl most days. Today I just felt ugly, unwanted, unloved and ugly.

As my friend was driving me home from burner night at a local bar, I saw glenns truck turning the corner at the intersection we were at. He's probably heading up to her place on capitol hill, to... who knows, take care of her I guess.

I just came back to my dark, quiet, messy, lonely apartment, got out a chocolate pudding and the rum and cried into it.

Today was one of the first real days that I finally felt like I've lost my best friend. He's gone, as he is someone elses best friend now. He doesnt care about me. Doesnt care if I live or die. Doesnt care if I hurt or cry. If I died tomorrow, he would probably just shrug and go sleep with the happy glow of being with one of his girlfriends.

It just hit me so hard today. That I have no one in my life right now that loves me, in that way. Oh sure I have lots of friends who love me. But I have no one that loves me. I have no best friend. I have no one to rush to my side when I'm feeling at my wits end or worse. But she does.

Beautiful girl. I'm a beautiful girl. I'm a beautiful girl who feels completly empty inside.

All Alone

I got 4 minutes.
I just gotta say my current mood right now is nothing but anger. And I dont want to. If there was anyway to not let it consume me now. I cant even think straight.

Fuck.
I'm angry at everything. Not just work. Not just my situation, not just my life. Just everything. I just want to.. I dont know... be rescued from this pain.

fuck.
I cant let it take me over like this. I cant let it consume my every thought today. I cant let it affect me like it does. My insides are churning and my heart is racing. My hands shaking from this crippling emotional state.

fuck. i gotta go back to work and be happy some more.

fuck everything.

She

Today I'm seriously freaked out. Its work related.
I are more than normal tonight, possible stress/anxiety/freakedout'ness related.

A lot of my coworkers are all saying the same thing. None of us want to go back. I'm just glad its not just me thats feeling that way.

I'm working on my resume tomorrow.

As Cool as I am

I got up relativly late this morning, considering I was up til past 2 last night.
I putz around here for a while, ate some cereal at 11 and decided today I needed to go the gym. So off to the gym I went. I did a 1.5 mile pace/sprints on the treadmill that went ok.. could of been better, but I got it done. I then hopped onto one of the stationary bikes for a while and then Taylor my old upstairs neighbors walked passed me. He was like hey whats going on I havent seen you around in a while. I was like well, the short version is my husband kicked me out so he could sleep around with various women. The divorce will be final on or around the 3rd of february.

He was like.. oh. So we keep talking about various things while I pedal away.. and I say Hey, you dont happen to know any single guys do you? He was like yea, this guy that they are picking up from the airport in the next couple days is really cool and single. So he asked for my email and I gave it to him, He said cool, we should hang out some time. I was like yea that would be awesome. I need to get out and meet more and new people. So that was cool

I got back on the treadmill and ran another 1.5 miles this time just at a steady pace of about a 9:45 mile. It felt wonderful and fluid. My legs were just pumping away feeling strong and able.

I walked home. Made a big turkey sandwich and started typing this out. Soon, I will be off to goodwill to look for a work shirt. I need a black long sleeve t-shirt type shirt to go with this pretty cranberry skirt I got that in the winter isnt exactly the black tank top wearing time.

Then I will come home after that shower and get ready for ballard free wine night... aka art walk. Should be a great day.

AND OOOOH! Kirk called me while I was out at the gym. He was heading out of town for the weekend but was going to give me a call next week so we could go out. So woo hoO! ANother date! I'm so cool! Check me out! HA!

Edited to add a few lyrics that of a song i'm currently listening to.. its from Dilate from Ani Difranco

so i'll walk the plank
and i'll jump with a smile
if i'm gonna go down
i'm gonna do it with style
and you won't see me surrender
you won't hear me confess
'cuz you've left me with nothing
but i've worked with less

when i say you sucked my brain out
the english translation
is i am in love with you
and it is no fun
but i don't use words like love
'cuz works like that don't matter
but don't look so offended
you know, you should be flattered
and i wake up in the night
in some big hotel bed
and my hands grope for the light
and my hands grope for my head
the world is my oyster
the road is my home
and i know that i'm better
off alone

ok thats it.. I just feel so giddy and happy today.

Powerslave

I'm drunk, i'm stuffed and I'm so completly happy right now. I just had a wonderful day. I'm now gonna go to bed, after finishing the last of my pizza slices from my date the other night(drunken eatin ya know).

My date tonight was odd but not in the normal way. I'll have to write about that another day.

I just wanted to say I had a great day. And I think i have meatball and spinch stuck in my teeth. pizza good

You're Nobody Until Somebody Love You

So me and a coworker were talking about being poor yesterday. She is like did you know you qualify for food stamps. I was like really? I could actually eat something besides 10 for 10 pasta/rice a-roni dishes?

So I did some reseach this morning and I found that I do not qualify for foodstamps. I make 362 to much per month.

But the fact is that if I did qualify, I was seriously considering it. I confessed to her at times in the past month, I was only dating to eat. In the hopes that the guy bought my meal, just so I had something "decent" to eat compared to my normal status quo of eating.

My date went good last night. He's funny and he called me hot. Indirectly but the thought was still there.

you've got a friend

So my date tonight started off a little odd. I got to one of my favorite pubs tonight and the bartender goes, oh your friend just left. I was like oh really? What friend is that. She is like oh the guy with dark hair that always drinks coke. I was like oh thats fine, thats my ex husband. She was like OH.. sorry. I was like no its fine, i'm just glad he isnt here when my date comes in to meet me here.

HA! I laughed so hard after she walked out of ear shot.

So Brian met me there shortly after. He is a 3 year burning man attendie. And really a sweetheart. He is waaaaaaaaaaaaay tall however, at 6'5, I still felt short just sitting next to him. But we had a very nice night just talking about burning man and santacon and so forth.

Tomorrow night I have a date with tyler I think we are going a pizza place in ballard. This is my 2nd date with tyler. This was my coffee date from last friday.

And when I got home tonight I had a phone call from Daniel, who I randomly gave my number too after I sat at him and his friends table while out at santacon. After his friends had gotten up and left he came back in and says, Hey your really cool wanna hang out some time. I was like sure.. here's my number. He asked me out for coffee. What is it with all these coffee drinkers. Bah. I will get another cocoa.

EEEEEEEEEEE! Ok.. Now i'm having fun. Now all I need is a date for friday and saturday night and everything will be a-ok.

But... Oh gosh. I ate my entire dinner at the pub tonight. It was like I hadnt eaten in weeks. It was the first real meal I've had in a very long time. I have to lose about 6 pounds in the next 20 days or else I'm never going to win that contest. I think I'm still at around 143 pounds and thats just not going to be good enough. Since I've been at 143 since like october. I havent dropped any more weight which I find so odd since I'm smaller and fitting into smaller stuff. I dont know.

Anyway. All I know is that people are really noticing me now and thats just fine and fabulous with me. Gah.. I dont want to use this song as my thread title. Ah well.

This girl at work and I are planning to go out with all of our friends in february after our divorces are final. Its going to be a fuckin riot, she wanted to hold it on the 14th. But I think I talked her out of it.

No-one But You

I heard a rush song today. (glenns favorite band) And it just rang in my head so so true. Here are the lyrics

The Color of Right

I don't have an explanation
For another lonely night
I just feel this sense of mission
And the sense of what is right

Take it easy on my now --
I'd be there if I could
I'm so full of what is right
I can't see what is good

It's a hopeless situation
Lie awake for half the night
You're not sure what's going on here
But you're sure it isn't right

Make it easy on yourself
There's nothing more you can do
You're so full of what is right
You can't see what is true

A quality of justice
A quantity of light
A particle of mercy
Makes the color of right

Gravity and distance
Change the passage of light
Gravity and distance
Change the color of right

I dont know some how it made more sense to me today than It had in the past. Made me think about a lot of stuff in the past few months. I do have to say this morning when I woke up. I still had that gut feeling that Glenn and I were supposed to be together. I know its not going to happen, but its just one of those things that hasnt shaken. And I'm thinking and I know its so bad, that any guy that I "fall in love with" wont measure up to him. Like i said I know its wrong. But that was my thought this morning. That thought is always subject to change.

Btw.. hello to all the new folks stopping by.

and another btw.. I may have dates tomorrow and wednesday. This weekend is still up in the air so far.

(editing in a title for this one, damn why are all these bad titled songs coming up)

Spread Your Wings

Santa was a naughty naughty girl last night. OH my gosh.. was that the most fun ever. I particpated in Seattles Santacon. I dont think I stopped smiling all night long. Santa also drank quite a bit. And got more naughty than she probably should of. But in the end I'm still so damn happy. And everyone was coming up to me and saying how happy i looked and how good it was to see me out and having fun. I also caught the attention of a few single santas too. We will see if I stay on the single santa list or not.



took that picture of myself after I got "HO'd"

Playa Playa

Somehow I found myself triple booked today for dates. I'm really not sure how it all happened. And it was actually quite sudden really.

Meeting Randy for lunch in downtown at 11:30. (complete)
Meeting Tyler for coffee in my neighborhood at 3pm
Meeting Marcus for dinner/drinks in fremont (next neighborhood over)at 7-7:30.

Out of all of them. I think the one I'm most intrested in is Tyler. Next would be Randy.

Someone asked me whats the rush with all this dating. And I say to myself, why sit by myself all day long.

Date 1 report:
Lunch with Randy. He works for a real estate computer company, something to do with estimations on properties all online. I wont post the name of the company. He is also a amature/professional photographer as his hobby. He is approx 5'7 with red short red hair. Slightly balding. He is 37 years old. We went to this trendy restaurant called Boka, he paid. At first he asked me to just pay the tip, but then when the bill came he paid it. We talked and ate for about an hour and a half. Bout lots of things, burning man, photography, work, and all sorts of things. Really nice guy. 2nd date? I'm not sure. He was really hard to read. I think so. He accepted a hug from me. So we will see how that goes.

Now to prep for date 2.

I'm tired. I slept like shit last night after I went to bed at 2. I woke up at 5 just wide awake not falling back to sleep any time soon type awake. Around 6:30 I fell back to sleep only to be woken by the sound of garbage trucks at the same time my alarm went off.

Date 2:
Met at the local starbucks, he's a bit taller 6" I'm guessing. With two toned hair, some is a dirty blond the other is a orangey red. He works for a company that designs card games like Magic the Gathering was. Its a startup company. He ordered his fancy coffee drink, with what seemed like an complicated drink with the fancy terminology he ordered with. But it was nice. I ordered a hot cocoa with peppermint. It was tasty.

We sat for about an hour and just talked about our works, our lives, and so forth. We were laughing together so thats a good sign. He is a bit of a bigger guy, but he has a definatly cool quirkyness that I like. It was a nice hour and a lot of fun.

Possibility of another date. I think thats a yes, he seemed quite interested in getting to know me more. As we were finishing up he was like you are going to have to tell me more about this another day. So.. there you go.

Now a few hours til date 3. Do I nap? or just relax.. i'm pretty wound up from that cocoa. All that sugar.

date 3: Its 4:41 in the morning as my computer clock says. I'm getting ready to kick him out. I havent slept any. He doesnt kiss good either. But his snoring is worse. He was way to drunk to drive. Blah. I dont evenknow what to say here. I;m way to fuckin tired. All I know is that this sucks.

Official date report for date 3. Now that I'm awake and coherant for the most part

He looked better than his pictures. We went to a pub in the next neighborhood over. He said I looked better than my pictures.

So we hung out there for a while I had 3-4 beers as he just kept ordering more rounds. After round 3 I ordered some water to go with it. He was nice to talk to but it felt more like a question and answer session than just general conversation like it felt with the other two guys. But, anyway.. moving on.

So then we went to one of the bars in my neighborhood cause it was still early yet. I think it was only 11:30. I felt better being in "my bar" than in the other bar, specially since I knew a few of the guys there already and if I needed or wanted to escape I could. But it was still fun. He at one point tried to kiss me.* But I wasnt having any of that. It was also at that point he tells me he was too drunk to drive home. I welcomed him to stay at my place. Plus I wanted to kiss him, just to see how he would kiss. Bleh. Wasnt a good kisser at all. One thing he did excell at is snorning. I may have to replaster the bedroom, it was that loud. But I didnt. I waited to 6 am to kick him out. So I just got up a little bit ago at 10. I may go lay down for a nap shortly.

Why did I want to kiss him? I dont know. I just did. I cant understand how a 38 year old man could suck so bad at it.

Possibility of a 2nd date? Eh.. probably not. which is too bad cause he is kind of cute.

*just wanted to clarify I didnt want to kiss him AT the bar or for him to kiss me AT the bar.