Manifest

Well this morning I learned how much weight i've regained. I weighed in at 143 this morning. So from my low of 138, thats 5 pounds. Sure that may not seem like a lot. But at the rate i'm going its not good either.

Tomorrow morning I will go to the gym. I'm taking my sleep stuff now and hopefully I will get a decent amount of sleep tonight.

Everyone loves my red hair.
Me I'm to concerned about my weight right now to even think about it.
Maybe its stress, maybe its lack of sleep, maybe its a lot of things.

Every day i have to keep telling myself that the way I'm feeling about everything is just temporary. that everything is going to get better soon. That some day I will have friends that will call me at night to hang out, that I will have money to spend to hang out with said friends, and I will be at a healthy weight, and I may have someone in mylife again that cares for me deeply.

Someday all of that is possible. Its gotta be.

February is going to be a lean month for me. I spent way to much in january. I have to start saving money for various fun activties and also just need to save money cause I gotta start somewhere as far as having a savings.

work is just icky and although I should write about it to get it out of my system if I did it would just bring me down. I want out of there so bad. Its frustrating the living fuck out of me.

its 11:30 on wednesday night. Tomorrow I probably will be at work for approx 10 hours. Due to working inventory night. At least dinner will be free.

I bought a grapefruit at safeway. Just one. Just to say that yes I did buy something healthy on my trip there this evening. It looked weird on the conveyor. That yellow orb rocking back and forth as the conveyor moved it forward, sitting there amongst the frozen dinners, chocolate pudding cups and brownie mix. I spent 9 dollars at safeway.

The Girls of Porn

I'm eating way to much.
And I dont know why. Its not like I'm hungry or should I say THAT hungry when I start eating. But I just dont stop.

I am sure I've regained some weight. I dont know whats gotten into me these past few days.

Tonight all i wanted was donuts or some other type of cake chocolate confection.
I ate way to much tonight.
And then I get up shake my belly fat menincingly at myself. Going.. DUH.. dumbass... how are you going to get rid of this if you keep eating like this. I dont feel guilty about eating the food. I just wish I realize what I'm doing it before or while I'm doing it.

My hair got colored today at work. I'm now a sexy redhead. Pics coming later (more than likely tomorrow when its sunny, I just cant get a good shot of myself here in teh apartment tonight)

gosh i still want chocolate, lovely cakey chocolate. But its almost 11 and I am not going out now for it, that and I ate so much other shit tonight. Blah.
Maybe its work thats upseting me. I dont know. But recently all I just want comfort food.

Tomorrow is another day, maybe tomorrow I will not eat so shittly.

Oh and in other news I signed up for the Big Climb for Leukemia again. If anyone reading this wants to donate to a great cause and support me here is the link to do it. Big Climb Donation

Pleasure/Glide

So at 9:45 i left for work this morning. I got to work and my manager was like. Oh becky I'm so sorry, i totally forgot you were told to come in early. Do you want to stay and leave early or come back at your schedule time.

I came home. I got a couple chapters in a book read and watched 30 minutes of a movie.

Other random things I thought about while I was home

I still wish I had a flat stomach. In the movie it showed this woman in just her underware and I just looked at her. While I consider myself beautiful, I still wish I had a flat stomach. Instead of this weird poochy thing that I got going on.

The book I'm reading is called Broken For You, by stephanie Kallos, so far its a pretty interesting book. I think the author was from seattle cause the book is based here. One of the main characters lost a love and she is also saying mantras which I found very fitting for myself. I think this was the best one "This, or something better, will manifest for me in teh highest good fo the universe"

Funny, the song playing now is lisa loebs falling in love. Some day I will fall in love again.

Gotta run back to work, 12-9 today.

Get Wacked

So yea its been a while since i've written anything.

Lots of stuff going in my life that I just, didnt feel like updating this. Was anyone wondering if I was ok. (yes I'm sure thats a hypothetical question, I dont expect a response)

But a lot had transpired in all aspects of my life in the past few weeks.

Some good, some bad, some ugly.

A friends birthday party is saturday night and I cant go as my work schedule has changed. That and the party is way in the south end which is over a 2 hour bus trip. PLus after the busses stop running I have no way of making sure I can make it home with enough time to get enough sleep for work on sunday.

I've come up with a new manta for a little while. I figured it was a mantra of "I'm beautiful" that helped get me out of my depression. If something as simple as telling myself that every day can get me out of that a manta of "I dont love him" will work just the same. In some ways its actually starting to work.

Then there's work, my bruised hip and the broken bottle of booze that accompanied the bruise. Me freaking out about my lack of friends, me considering going back to school for some currently unknown course of study. Then there is also an upcoming quilt project or two.

I'm still considering putting a paypal link up to help recover the cost of that bottle of booze I lost in a fall. But it was just 30$ I figure If I stay home for a little while longer and not go out and spend money, in some way I will make that back up easily.

Tonight, I stayed home. Watched the battlestar gallactica mini series, made some nasty chocolate chip cookies which provided a lot more entertainment than should be possible and in a couple minutes, I'm going to bed. So I can get up, read a few chapters in this new book I got and go to the gym. Should be a good day. And if it wasnt for that work interruption, today would of been a good day too.

Presto

If I could wave my magic wand
I'd make everything all right

I'm not one to believe in magic
But I sometimes have a second sight
I'm not one with a sense of proportion
When my heart still changes overnight

So I'm watching this movie, its an old Neil Simon film that Alan Alda was in (as I got on a brief alan alda movie kick for a while now) Anyway. In this movie, California Suite. It shows Alan Alda and his divorced wife of 9+ years in a bitter custody battle. But what I found to be most interesting is thier interactions with each other when they werent discussing the plan for thier daughter. The Alan alda character was happy and in love with someone else, while the woman was still vunerable, bitter and angry. Thier trading quips back and forth, more her than him and it just scared me. I dont want to be like that with Glenn. I'm a happy girl these days. I dont want to be angry at all of this.

Its 4:40 in the afternoon. Its friday. And I'm still in my clothes from the gym, for I went and worked out today. I'm still having occasional vertigo episodes, they arent nearly as frequent as before. I feel like going out. I just hate going out alone.

Should probably get in the shower just in case plans for tonight do come in.

I do have a date tomorrow. He's the co-owner of one of my favorite ballard pubs.

Breakerfall

I gotta be upset about something. I just ate a whole bunch of nasty cookies from safeway. They are the safeway brand of chocolate chip cookie.. Gosh they are gross. But for some reason I thought I needed them to make me feel better. It didnt work.

Its 3:48 and I need to head back to work. *sigh*
Thankfully today is my friday.

Ugh Now i just feel sick from all those cookies.
Its gotta be almost "." time.. there is no other reason why I'm feeling so moody like this.

Sending Out a Warning

(Using the new blogger technology now. We will see how we get along.)

I dont feel right today. I slept ok. To many worries going through my mind.
Way to many worries. I just dont feel right today.
I'm just going through the motions it seems these days. Its all I can do.
Maybe tomorrow will be better.

The vertigo is still around. Not as much, but still enough to notice at times.

Ok.. brief crying jag there. Woo.
Shit I gotta get ready for a job that I just dont want to go to anymore. I'm just not feeling it anymore. I need a whole new direction to head, I just dont know which way to go.

Across the Universe

All i did was eat tonight. Supposedly my diet has restarted. Supposedly.
From when I got home at 9:15 til 11:02 I was stuffing myself with anything. I really dont know why.

Frustration? Perhaps.
I'm still frustrated at this damn vertigo thats haunting my mood, my mind and my body.

I just hate feeling like I do and maybe its (the eating) just making me feel better. WHich it really isnt.

And in the heart front.. In some small way I still hope glenn changes his mind about the divorce. I was thinking about that on the way home tonight. Once its final I really dont know how I'm going to feel. I think the biggest problem that I'm having is that he will no longer be in my life or do I want him to be apart of my life and IF I want him to be apart of my life, How do I have him in my life and keep myself sane. Its just the thought of having him out of my life for good is making me feel like this. Its scaring me actually, do I want to have contact with him after its over? Do I want to go to dinner with him occasionally? Do I want to stay friends with him? OR Do I want him out of my life for good with only contact via email if I need something out of the house? Those are the questions that I just dont know how to answer yet.

Gah.. I ate to much.
And I'm still frustrated at work too.

In other news.. I may be learning how to paint soon. More on that another night.

Ain't talkin' 'bout love

You are Dark Phoenix

A prime example of emotional extremes: Passion and fury incarnate.

Click here to take the Supervillain Personality Quiz


So the past few days have been interesting ones, if you consider the fact that I had to go to the doctors for a 2nd time. This time It was a weird dizzyness that seriously had me freaked out. Its an inner ear infection which is causing some severe vertigo episodes.

Its a bit better today, but I'm still quite wonky in the head.
By doctors orders I shouldnt have even been at work for the past few days. But paying rent and eating take precedence over a few dizzy spells.

This morning I got up around 10, due to having some seriously crappy sleep last night. I also made a lasagna. While it was a challenge to make in this dinky ass kitchen. I worked with what I have available.

I only have one day off this week and this is it. I think soon I will be heading down to other coast cafe to get my big ole sandwich, its all apart of gluttony week. As of jan 8th I'm back on my "diet plan" I just needed a week of foods that I dont get to eat too often. So what I'm going to do with it, as once it cools, I'm going to section it all out with aluminum foil and freeze them. So I have tasty lunches for quite a while. I did take a picture of the lasagna, which once the battery is recharged I willput it in here.

Other than the vertigo I'm feeling pretty good. I was sent this link Budget thingy and if I work a full 80 hours I supposedly have $150 to spare every month. So once I get my balance to where I want it to be, I will start saving some of that 150$.

Work is about the same. More people have put thier notice in. But I did get an award for being a customer amazer and downtime do-er. Which is driving me batty at work, since i'm now stuck answer phones all day I cant get up and do all the things I WANT to do.

The divorce will be final in just about a month now.

Breed Apart

This week I'm celebrating losing 38 pounds by eating guilt free.
Tonight is an almost complete thanksgiving dinner.
This week I'm also going to make a lasagna. And at some point I'm going out for the biggest platter of nachos I can find.

Tonights meal has stuffing, mashed taters, steamed green beans, cranberry sauce and a turkey breast. Also a white wine
Which tells me its a good a companion as any. We will see about that. Actually its been quite entertaining so far. As I learned I dont have a wine bottle opener, so I set out to be the resourceful and independant woman that I am. After a few painstaking minutes, a bit of a mess in the kitchen I have wine in my glass.

Actually I had wine in my glass, Its time for another glass.

I had a great day today. Tomorrow I go back to work for a semi short week. But today is a good day, Me and my companion wine think so. Time for some good eats!