Margartiaville

Marriage is hard. It's a choice to stay together, sometimes it's a helluva lot easier to just give up.

copied that quote from one of the message boards i read on occasion.

Today is a down day for me. Not really sure why. But I was walking home from the gym and just felt like such a failure at life.

3 more days left at the spa.
And an eternity of being alone, or at least thats the way it feels currently.

Beer Goggles

The song right before beer goggles was K's Choice Addict. Which i found quite fitting seeing as I was sitting here with a scoop of freshly made brownies on my spatula

It's not a habit, it's cool, I feel alive
If you don't have it you're on the other side
I'm not an addict (maybe that's a lie)

I bet she wasnt talking about brownies however.
Tomorrow is going to be an intersting day. I gotta get up relativly early to be at the ice cream store at 11. But i also have to sew my pants that I'm going to wear there.

I work as far as i Know.. from 11-5 tomorrow. I started looking up some of the cold stone songs i'm gonna have to sing. Eek.

I may go out clubbing in a short skirt on saturday night.
(edited to fix band name)

Cornflake Girl

I got a new job. My training starts friday.
My last day at the spa is on the 1st.
I'm happy.
I'm going back to the ice cream business.

I have 6 more days left of working at the spa. Its driving me nuts.

Did i mention I was happy.
I may be soon signing up for cake decorating classes.

My tax return is going to be small. I cannot deduct the over 500$ worth of clothes and shoes I bought for work.

I'm drinking my second beer of the evening.
The big block of cheddar cheese is almost gone. This is a good thing.
I feel good.
My coworkers are happy for me.
Yea thats about it.

Comfortably Numb

fuck. its fuckin valentines fucking day. fuck it. fuck FUCK FUCK fuck the lovers, the haters and me. Fuck the newlyweds, fuck the cynical married fucks, fuck the single, fuck the coupled, fuck the hermaphrodites, fuck the bisexual panthers, fuck the prostitues that ruin marriages(scuse me, escorts), fuck depression, fuck self help books, fuck everett, fuck snow, fuck i-5, fuck this apartment, fuck work, fuck coenzymes, fuck, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck, did i mention fuck work, cause fuck work, fuck loud upstairs neighbors with fuckin hardwood floors, fuck sobriety.

Love

in the middle of my 3rd beer. And i ate some frosting. no cake.. just furosting. cause its almost valentines day.. and the commercials say, spread a little love, spread some frosting ,which always found to be a little innuendoy. But fuck the frosting is tasty. and it was only 78 cents at safeway.

so why you ask am i drinking on a tuesday night. Oh.. lets see. two more of my tem members put thier notice in. My pleace of work is so fuicked cause well lets see there is no one to answer the phones to make appts. ALl the girls they have there are brand spankin new and dont know what they are doing and there is only 2 of em. There are only going to be 2-3 people trained at checkout. So ofrth and so on.

2nd is tomorrow oh fuck its 2 minutes awya. I should do a shot. is fuckonig valentines day. Someone asked me what I was doing for vday. I was like mourning the demise of my marriage thanks for asking. asshole.
He asked me to marry him on v-day.

lets see what the fuck else.. So I met a "nice guy" on friday. And its just my fiuckin luck he works a 7-4 shift.. in everett.. which is where he lives.. which is oooooooh.. just a 45 minute drive away. So that dating potential is already fucked from teh start. That and when he called me and I said I had to get a book from the library he was like the only thing i have read for the past year is self help books.

But at least the frosting was tasty. And my running is going well. I'm doing almost solid 9 minute miles now.

Ok back to the fucked things. I was supposed to make a coupel signs for work. And I just came home and ate/drank from 10-12. The signs are to raise money for my Big climb thing again. I will eventually post a link for it.*

I sent a resume/cover letter out to a place today. And I will be dropping off a resume at a local restaurant, they need a hostess/busser person. Its a sad day when I learn that an ice cream shop pays more than a day spa.

Ok thats enough drunken ra,bling. hmm maybe I should copy past this post to my blog. that felt good.

(copy pasted from a drunken posting on one of my message boards)

*the link is right over there ----> the thing that says big climb. Feel free to click and donate. Cause fuck.. its less than a month away and i'm still only at 100$ of donations. Hell even a buck or two at this point would hel p me get closer to my goal.

Hearts are Open Graves

I went out tonight. I took a chance. I went out in downtown. I kissed a boy. I had my number entered into his cell phone. I had 2+ people think I'm a freak. I am quite ok with it all.

I sat on that 7pm bus to downtown. I got off on the queen anne/denny stop and walked into tini bigs going. OK.. this is it. Your meeting some new friends tonight, you can do it. Your a big girl.

I sat at the bar. A guy from Bombay sat next to me. His name was shawn. We talked for a while til we met up with the rest of the group.

Aaron and Dennis and laura lai. 30$ and one game of truth or dare later, we moved to belltown. All the little hotties walking around without coats and tiny tops and even tinyier jeans wander the streets like juvinile hookers. We went to the lava lounge for a drink then we went to this uber trendy place called the apartment. I again tried to explain burning man. Yea that didnt go well. I was told that I was too "walled in" I was like Sorry I just dont go home with people I just met. Just my thing.

Dennis drove be back to ballard as he has to drive to everett to go home. He works at boeing. Everett. So far away. He asked to kiss me. Although I think I'm to much of a freak for him though. He seemed a bit freaked out about some of my photos of the event. He stoppped in to see some pics from the event. As I walked him back to his car he hugged and kissed me. I felt nothing. He did smell good. But I still felt no energy in his touch. Something I felt instantly with someone else.

Its 2 am. Maybe I'm just to much of a freak for the normal average american man out there.

When Will I Be Loved

I've been cheated
Been mistreated
When will I be loved

I've been pushed down
I've been pushed 'round
When will I be loved

When I find a new man
That I want for mine
He always breaks my heart in two
It happens every time

I've been made blue
I've been lied to
When will I be loved

When I find a new man
That I want for mine
He always breaks my heart in two
It happens every time

Oh, I've been cheated
Been mistreated
When will I be loved
When will I be loved
Tell me, when will I be loved

I actually came across this song again after doing a search on another Linda Rondstadt song.. that song was You're No Good. But I saw a link to this song and it just struck me as something I've been asking myself for a while now.

When WILL I be loved? How long do I have to wait til I find someone to love me the way I thought I would be loved. Or should I ask when will someone find me? Eh which way it ever is. I just hope it doesnt take as long as it took me to find Glenn.

Its a 12 hour day for me tomorrow. Thankfully when I get done with that I have a cold beer waiting for me. I was thinking about slooping tomorrow, but I need to save my cashola for thursday night, when we are having a going away party for my two managers.

Time for traz and time to set my alarm. That 6:30 wake up call is going to be the suck.

Show Don't Tell

So last night was i'm not sure as i've lost count this week anyway.. I think the 4th or 5th time i cried myself to sleep.

I also had some really bad dreams to. Do I think dreams mean anything? Oh i dont know. Perhaps on some level they do.

I was really violent to someone in my dreams last night. All day today I was troubled by it.

Work is still shitty. I'm trying to get my resume updated.. but I just dont know what to write down for what I do at work. One of my coworkers has an interview with another company, In some way, i hope she gets it, cause she hates it at work more than I do.

I went to the gym tonight. Didnt do to much cause my feet were tired after standing for as long as I do during the day. I got 2 donations so far for my big climb. Well I still have to get 50 pages read of a book done before I sleep tonight. So i better get on it.

I just wish I could get that dream out of my head. Before dreams like that only occured with my stepmother as the receiver of the punishment I laid out. This time, it was a different woman.

What's the Matter here

SO went to bed at 3 am last night
Woke up at 8:30.
Will be going back to bed soon. But I found this link posted on one of my favorite websites. It made me laugh so I felt like sharing it.

Telemarketer Prank

thats all. I feel good this morning. I will feel even better after a nap and then a run.

Country Feedback

What an interesting day. Please disregard any spelling errors. I did have a few drinks tonight here at home.

Went to inventory night and learned that not only are both managers leaving (i knew abotu one already) but didnt know about the other, nor did I know about one of my other coworkers putting her notice in. So in the next month we are losing 3 staff on an already short staffed staff.

Other things to mention today:

I cried doing a pilates video today.
I carried over 100pounds of products home on my back today.
I watched some of battlestar gallactica season 1 today.
and when I say today I mean feb 1st and the first 3 hours of feb 2nd.
i had 2 slices of cheese pizza for dinner
i had 4 drinks tonight
I have no idea how to breathe through my hips or any other part of my both besides my nose. Mostly because I have no imagination nor can i visualize how one would do that.
Pirates Booty is the Devil.
I also dont know how to send energy through my pelvic floor.
I wonder does the pelvic floor also have a pelvic ceiling and pelvic windows?

Today on one of my walks to work I thought about that energy I was supposed to have, and this imagining breathing thru my hips. I wondered, if due to this whole divorce thing where my dreams were smashed and broken, was my ability to imagine, hope, and create also destroyed. I havent been able to visualize anything for myself, once I gave up hope on getting back together with Glenn. I havent been able to dream about what to do with the rest of my life. I havent been able to set any life goals or any goals for that matter. I havent even thought about sewing, photography or anything else that requires for thought and imagination. Sure, I've said that I want to make some stuff for burning man, I want to use the materials I currently own. But as far as whatI want to make. I just dont know.

Did I lose it all once I finally succumbed to the realization that its all over, when ever that was. Is it just hiding? But right now all I know is I have no life goals. Hell I hardly have any goals, hell I hardly have any friends either.
I had more friends when I was married, lots of them stopped talking to me when I wrote to them about the seperation.

So what do I do.. (now as it goes onto almost 3 am in the morning)
I just keep living. I keep being happy. I keep being myself. I'll just keep writing. I'll just keep wondering whats next.