Seven Seas of Rhye

"The proverb is wrong. Time does not heal all wounds. It merely softens the pain and blurs the memories".
-From the movie Antonia's Line

I miss you

Beautiful

Just an ordinary day today. Work was work. A little frustrating cause the rest of the staff thinks that I can do everything in the morning including pulling a rabbit out of my ass.

I didnt even have time to eat my lunch let alone, a trip to the bathroom or even a drink of water. But SOMEHOW i'm supposed to make all the waffle cones, all the brownies, all the cakes, all the cleaning, and help the unending line of customers that some how are going to be SO understanding when I have to tell them I have to do something else for a while.

Right.

So, this was the 2nd day I didnt have any time to eat. SO when I did get home I was ravenous and ate way to much. Including 5 crescent rolls that were on sale at safeway tonight.

I got some sewing done tonight. So that is a step in the right direction.
I also didnt drink tonight either. Tomorrow however is another story. Scott is picking me up and we are going to happy hour with his friends. We are also going to go running together with his friends on sunday. I'm quite looking forward to that.

I got a digital audio book from the library tonight about guided meditation. Now I've always wanted to learn how to mediate I just could never figure out how. So hopefully with this audio books help it will get past all the clutter in my head and help me learn how to relax.

When I was doing the initial breathing exercise at the start of the video I tried to pay attention to my breath. I felt it come in and then instead of filling it just kind of sank in a hole or just stopped at my heart and couldnt move any further.
Thats how it felt anyway.

My period is a little wonky this month. Not sure why, but not going to do anything about it either.

Oh I was going to post a few pics from my brides of march escapades the other night for my "fans" in LA.




It was a fun evening.

Today was just weird. I felt out of sorts and so not on my game. Even though I've now got 2 nights of full (7ish hours) of sleep. A new record for me. And that only took 1/2 of a traz, 6 valieran roots capsules and 2 of these blue "sleep-aid" pills.
I hate having to take a small arsenal of pills to get to sleep. But thats what its taking these days. Somethings just not right in my head. I feel the stress in my skull and in my body. I'm just not able to release it, not even through exercise or other things.

wow this post got long.
I joined flexcar and soon I will be able to do some small errands and things without having to wait hours for the bus or beg for rides. Its going to cost me a little money. But I hope my tips and time make up for it.

Still not sure about scott. But eh.. i will just see how things go.

I Know

I know I just bought myself a ticket to go to San Francisco.
I know that my tax return will be paying for it.
I know that I wont be in town on the date that was my anniversary.
I know that I will be with people who love me.
I know that I am going to be so happy to visit my family down there.
I know I'm still scared to fly.
I know this is making me very happy.
I know my bosses are cool by letting me take 2 days off from work.
I know I need a break from work. Not that the ice cream shop is stressful or anything its just I havent had a "vacation" since I got back from the playa back in september.
I know its time to take time for me.

I know its time to eat some dessert and start watching my netflix movie.
I know I am still hurting
I know I'm not sure about scott.
I know its time to end this posting.

eta: scott called me tonight. He wants to take me running on sunday.
He was also kind of hinting at a "day trip" for us some time in april. I guess he likes me. Not bad for a first date guy.

Narcosis

Scott just left.
Its 1:33 am.
We made out a little.

For a while it was nice to kiss him.
But at some point it was just i dont know. Odd maybe.
My body felt good, but I didnt feel anything.
I need to feel sleep, so out comes the sleep arsenal.

Scott is 46.

Slow Cheetah

Every morning right about now I just feel like i'm dying. Maybe its exhaustion. Maybe its frustration. Maybe its everything going on.

I just feel ill.
I need a break.

One good thing however. Is its been a while since I've cried.

Cold Shot

Time to take off the wedding gown and stop playing with my new voodoo doll.

Somehow that sentence is perfectly legitimate.
Its 1:21 on sunday.
Its been a crazy weekend.

Yea.. definitely time to sleep.

Collision

I cannot fuckin live like this.
Holy frakkin shit this computer is so fuckin slow. I dont know what the fuck is going on. I typed the title of this blog than leaned back in my chair for about 30 seconds for it to appear.

And I just restarted the damn thing too. I dont know whats slowing it down all I know is that its driving me fuckin nuts.

That and jason is a fuckin dork. I guess on a first date I was supposed to be all playful and shit and maybe stick my hand down his pants in order to let him know that I liked him.

he said i wasnt flirty or touched him during conversation enough.
I still keep thinkin in my head.. it was a FIRST FUCKIN DATE!
Whatever.
I had a gin and tonic at the bar.
I'm taking my sleep aids and calling it a night. tomorrow.. ooh yea, more drinking.
Saturday, yep more drinking
sunday, heading to the re-bar again. I want to see the cute dj again even if he is gay. Not that there is anything wrong with that.
Monday, I may head up to cap hill to the chac for burner night.
Tuesday. I may dry out.

Elvis Is Dead

I am quite sick and tired of my computer crashing.
Thats now twice this week.

Shitty tips today only like 7 something. Still I made my "minimum" of 7$. could be worse could be like the ben & jerry's tippers.

I'm drinking wine. I dont know.. it was like 5$ at safeway.
Going to the bar now. Something I havent done in a while.

Eh more posting later.
I think.

I need a hat, as zits are blooming
My commute is a whopping 15 minutes now. Insert dorky smiling face here.

Most Precarious

I got a bike. Its a 21 speed schwinn. I got it off of craigslist tonight for 80$.
Its all mine. I'm so excited not to have to walk for 45 minutes every day to work anymore! Well cept for tomorrow. Cause it needs to go to the bike shop for a lil tuneup and some items that its missing.



I walked up there in the pouring rain and paid the girl her 80 and I rode it home in a even harder rain and sleet/hail mix. It was cold, I seriously got soaked. My fleece jacket is now a fleece sponge. My work pants are hanging in the bathroom. Hopefully they will dry in time. But right now I dont even care. I got a bike!

Jason also called me tonight. We talked on the phone for about 45 minutes.

I posted an event on a local "meet other people" club thing that I'm apart of now. Its a beer event.
I'm also going with some girls from some other "meet people club" thing to the Nw womens show this weekend.
Then its brides of march this saturday night. Some how I became a busy girl every weekend.

Well i've taken all my sleep aids. Lets hope they help tonight.
If anyone wants to recommend any other sleep aids that could possibly help a severe insomniac, go right on ahead and send me a message.

Fireworks

Just got back from the Re-Bar with two friends of mine.
It was an intersting weekend.
3 dates+1/2.
Bowling.
Stair climbing.
Gay bar
Irish bar
Cop
Darts
Bowling
Bellevue
Great food
Great drinks
New people
Old People
Successes
Sleeplessness
Feeling sexy
Looking even sexier
Boobs, cocks, pussy and ass art.
Wanting to cry
Wanting to dance
Wanting to escape.
Sweat
amd smiling.

Wind of Change

Something feels odd today. Like somethings out of place. Missing. out of sorts.

Just odd. Like a left the stove on kind of feeling. Like the universe is swirling a little faster or slower, just something different.

Its 11:56. Jason should be here soon to pick me up for lunch.

I'm in a black camisole and my orange funky shirt a friend gave me. And my size 6 blue jeans with dark purple doc martins.

Still an uneasyness rests in my head and mind. Not sure exactly what it is. But I'm sure I will find out.

Whats missing here?

Winning the War

That swiss and bacon sandwich at 10pm was a bad idea. Tasty... but bad idea.

Just another day.
Taked to Rodney on the phone tonight, before our date tomorrow. Still havnt decided what dress to wear.
He lives in puyallup. 40 something miles away. My guess, is this isnt going to work out for multiple reasons. Now mind you I'm not stacking the deck aganist him. I'm just realisitc.

Saturday jason is picking me up at noon, for lunch. Then we have like a few events we are going together. He lives on the east side. My guess, is this this isnt going to work out for multiple reasons. Now mind you I'm not stacking the deck against him. I'm just realistic.

Sunday, after the climb I'm meeting, Stephen. He lives in Bremerton. A ferry ride and a few dozen miles away. My guess, is this isnt going to work out for multiple reasons. Now Mind you I'm not stacking the deck against him. I'm Just realistic.

I better try to get some sleep. My guess is in about an hour or so I will get up to take a trazadone to see if I can squeak out 5-6 hours of sleep before tomorrow morning comes.

I watched most of Brokeback mountain tonight. MMM Mmm gay cowboys.

Hem of Your Garment

I'm not really sure what day or night i'm on of little or poor sleep. I've lost count.
I feel all I need is some sleep so I can think clear again and feel some what human. Sure since I'm so used to having insomnia I can still function almost normally as far as work is concerned.

But its the mental focusing on trying to figure "me" out.

Getting into bed, getting all comfy and then, nothing.. for usually 2-3 hours. Then I realize at that point that I havent actually been sleeping and instead I'm going over and over in my head something from the past or who knows what.

I need some decent sleep.
Its 9:03 in the morning. I'm tired. And all I want to do is just go back to bed and not get ready for a 45 minute walk to work.

So the date with rodney is on, we are going to the Pink Door. I might wear my new red dress.

Fumbling Towards Esctasy

So I made it through another day. Go me.

Work was work. Nothing interesting there. I got a pay check so that was good. It was only for 4 days worth so it was small.

My eyes felt swollen til about 3-4 pm. Thats after slathering on this eye puffiness product that aveda makes.

I'm a weird state of numbess right now. I cant really describe it.
I went to Goodwill tonight to find myself some black pants(1) for work and some black t-shirts(2). I found those just fine. I also found a vegetable steamer, a little black purse and 2 dresses. Yes, my dress collection/addiction continues. Retail therapy I called it. They looked so good on me.
All total I spent 33.33$ not bad for all that.
I counted my traz that I have left. 25 pills. I'm going to have to find another sleep aid soon.
The end of my nose has a crack in it. It hurts a bit.
Just numb.
I sent out a bunch of emails today. Since I dont have message boards anymore to occupy my time I'm finding I'm reaching out to people I havent emailed in a while.

Random things:
I take 8 vitamins every morning.
9.52 in tips today
I climb a lot of stairs on sunday.
I still can smile about that 9 minute mile thing.
Oddly enough, even though I hurt like hell, I have 3 dates this weekend. Rodney, Jason, Stephen.
Tomorrow is wednesday.

Wrapped Around Your Finger

Woke to swollen eyes again.

I'm taking a break from all my message boards. Right now seeing people post about how happy and in love they are just rips me apart. So I just needed to not read that for a while.

I have to leave for work in about a half hour or so. Its gonna be a long day. I feel sick. I'm tired. And my nose is still stuffy.

I think my cold hanging around is because of one of my teeth has to go. Its happened before. I need to go get this root canal or something done about it so I can feel healthy again. This blowing my nose 100times a day is a little old.

How do you break the cycle?
How do you know that there is someone else out there?
Is there a guarantee that there is another person out there?

I dont know how.

In other news I'm still 141 pounds. I still hate the way my belly looks. I'm so tiny everywhere else. But my belly is this protruding reminder that I don't look as good as I can.

Work is odd. But I know I'm not in that job for a long time. I'm just there for the money really. Which reminds me I gotta sign up for that cake decoration class.

eta:
I realized last night when I was laying down to sleep while this is all occuring so much stronger than my normal average amount of pain. It was the weekend of the big climb when he finally told me how he felt.

Never let Me Down Again

Somedays are so split in two. Some parts of today were so damn fabulous like me running 9 minute miles in the St. pats dash.

Other parts were just so damn sucky. The almost constant tooth pain, ear ringing and weight that never leaves my chest. I feel it mostly at night when I'm laying down and my mind is reeling about thoughts of my own life. How I screwed things up. How I continue to screw things up. But mostly thoughts about Love and my longing for something I cant have.
As well as:
I think about a possible root canal that I cant even fathom how I'm going to pay for.
I think about the medical bill that still sitting on my desk.
I think about Glenn and how when ever I see him I cant seem him as anything but my husband.
I think about how I should feel, but dont.
I think about how I should act towards him, but dont.
I think about how and why am I so strong about this feeling, but know its probably just a wasted effort.
I think about various people who said things along the lines of, I should of never waited for such and such, it was such a waste of a life. One only has so much time on this earth.
I think to much which leads me to not sleeping at night.

Tomorrow is going to be a long day. I have to go to downtown seattle way to early in the morning to take my food handlers card test. I have to be on a bus at 7:26. And hope that I pass, I never do well with mornings.
I better be asleep soon. I hope anyway.

You Can't Win

Somedays, it takes all I can not to throw myself into traffic.
Somedays, it takes all I can not to wonder whats going to happen next. And then live it.

Its just the daily battle of (my)life.

Lost for Words

Lost For Words
I was spending my time in the doldrums
I was caught in a cauldron of hate
I felt persecuted and paralysed
I thought that everything else would just wait

While you are wasting your time on your enemies
Engulfed in a fever of spite
Beyond your tunnel vision reality fades
Like shadows into the night

To martyr yourself to caution
Is not going to help at all
because ther'll be no safety in numbers
When the right one walks out of the door

Can you see your days blighted by darkness?
Is it true you beat your fists on the floor?
Stuck in a world of isolation
While the ivy grows over the door

So I open my door to my enemies
And I ask could we wipe the slate clean
But they tell me to please go fuck myself
You know you just can't win

Pink Floyd

I'm still hurting. Every night before I fall asleep my thoughts are of Glenn. Every morning the same. This morning I woke up and just started crying. I kept thinking theres still a piece to this puzzle thats missing. There is something else out there. There is something.

Something that took someone who said he loved me one minute then kicked me out the house the next.

Some people get over lost love so easily. Why is it so hard for me?
My true love. My only true love.
Why does the pain still haunt me. Grip me and rip me and my heart apart. Time and time again.
I just want to be free of this pain.

The Night Comes Down

Nothing like waking up in a pool of sweat with the hottest sex dream that didnt ever include sex. It was just the lead to stuff that had me sweating (or could of been my cold fighting its way out).

It was with Glenn.

Him looking up at me as he was peeling off my jeans in a hotel bathroom, and him saying, "I can't wait to have sex with my...

Then I woke up.
Fuck.

World on Fire

I'm feeling slightly better today. Which is a plus. Heading to bed in a minute. I just feel like I have so much to say, But then I sit here and try to write something that makes some sense of whats going on in my head and honestly just goes in circles.

My ears are ringing extra loud today due to all my nose blowing. My skin under my nose has been rubbed so raw, the skin is peeling.

I figured out that during the past two weeks or so I forgot to change my birth control patch and thats why my period started a few weeks early. The past two weeks were just so damn crazy. This is also a good reason why I'm not taking birth control pills.

I still continue to hate this apartment i'm in and am looking forward to moving out in a month or so when my lease is up. Maybe my next place will have water pressure in the bathroom so I dont have to take a shower with my shower head lightly sprinkling me with a drop or two.

I wrote another personal ad on craigslist looking for a running partner for a race thats this weekend. And I may actually have had some real responses and I hope at least one of them turns out to be a decent guy.

A couple random links that I have looked at and have enjoyed for various reasons

Nudes in New York Link is not safe for work, but some great shots of women in New York City.

Cover and Acoustic version of Baby's got Back

Well I should get to bed and stop finding split ends in my hair, while i try to come up with something else to say.

Breathe

Ironic that thats the song that came up when I decided to write this blog tonight. Since all weekend I've been struggling to do just that.

It all started on thursday my last day at the spa with just a little scratchy throat. It progressed into a full on cold by midday friday.

Work at the new ice cream shop is interesting. But I have yet to fully grasp it. Maybe I'm just over thinking it all. Probably.

I had a decent weekend none the less, even with the cold. It was one of those weekends that made me feel... I'm not sure what it made me feel actually. I was going to say it made me feel good but thats not exactly the right word. Reflective, ponderous, sniffly.
But at the end of it all, I still feel happy. Happy with the choices I made and make for myself.
Tomorrow I work from 10:30-5:30 at the scoop shop.

eta: still somewhere deep inside, I'm going to bed uneasy tonight and I'm not sure why. something just doesnt seem right tonight.