Terrestre/El Lado oscuro de

Things started spiraling out of control recently. Well due to the fact that I talked to a bankruptcy lawyer the other day. Since that moment I've been trying to find stability , comfort and some sense of normalcy. However all I've actually found was food, alcohol, and a even greater need for sex. ALl in the hopes that I can take my mind off my problems, one of which is laying out all over the floor. Paystubs and assorted other paperwork littered near my feet.

I used to be so diligent about record keeping. Today not so much. I'm gonna pay the price for it too. Bankruptcy, the ultimate price to pay. All for 25,000 worth of debt. Which really isnt a lot but it is when you only make 1600 a month, sometimes not even that.

I'm scared. Really scared. But there isnt any other way out.

Last night during hash happy hour I got quite messed up. Messed up so much that I texted someone that I had slept with once a long time ago (well the one person I slept with in the past 8 months). But as soon as he called me and asked me what was up I froze, and not just cause it was below freezing last night as I ducked out of the bar to take his call. Hearing his voice again, just had me flashing back to our meeting. I couldnt go through with it. I left the bar. He texted me again. With my frozen fingers i texted him back. I started walking home. The text exchange kept going. He picked me up as i was frozen and only half way home. All that was exchanged after that was some words and a hug. I told him about my need for stable and constant and he said that just wasnt his thing.

Also on my walk home I ducked into the almost closing fred meyer to warm my hands up a bit and try to get my head back on straight. I called the guy that I think that I'm seeing. But he was heading to bed cause he had to get up early this morning. It just felt weird.... we get along very well. I just wanted someone last night so bad. Someone to keep me warm and safe. And keep me out of my head for enough time so i could fall asleep.

But some sleeps are better than others. A few nights ago, I had a terrible nightmare about one of seattles downtown building came crashing down. Much like my own world around me.

In other news. I actually did a girly thing. I went to goodwill to go shopping with 2 other girls. Coworkers. It was fun. I got a 6 new shirts, purse and a new red dress. For a whopping 35$. I love being thrifty and thats the first time i had gone to goodwill for new stuff in months. See, i'm even trying to justify my spending to my own damn blog.

Its cold today, its still around 32 degrees outside. Not to much warmer in here either. Its around 55degrees in the apartment. In order to keep costs down. I'm going to a hash today, so that should be fun. Chilly but fun.

Then I get to go out with some other friends tonight, which will also be fun. I invited Brannon, I'll text or call him later see if he wants to go out tonight with us. I hope i can get him to stay at my place tonight. He lives in a basement that isnt finished, so its going to be so cold tonight. Dont want him to turn into a popsicle. Oh hell, yea i just want him with me.

Gosh it always feel so better when i write it all down.

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Now playing: Blues Traveler - my_blessed_pain
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Don't Ya Rile Em

'm such a softy. I suck. SUCK at goodbyes. If i've been hanging out with any one person or persons for a good amount of time. Say camping with friends out at burning man. Traveling to SF to hang with my friends down there, having mom come to visit.

As soon as the time is to give that final hug. I'm a mess. Tears and gut wrenching sobbing. Hell just typing about it and I'm just a mess thinking about it so much the screen is blurry from the tears.

The harder I try to hold it in the worse it is. I tell people look just leave, wave at the door and go. No long, drawn out anythings. No hugs nothing. Its hard enough for me.

I also found out its even harder if I hadnt see that person in a long amount of time. Or if I care about them more. If I had a working camera I'd take a pic of the little tear puddle I have forming on my desk.

ah... I'd take a deep breath if i could breathe through my nose.
Mom left a little bit of cranberry juice. I'm being bad on my diet and drinking it... with vodka. After 3 frustrating days with mom. I need it and not just cause of the being bad at goodbyes. I have to say that that was some oddly fun and frustrating to the point where pounding my head on the wall would of been more pleasant.

(copy pasted from another place that i journal, thought it was just as fitting here)

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Now playing: Tori Amos - Heart Attack at 23
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I know what's going on

So I added a different search bar over there ---> Its called Aidgle, its just like google search. But they donate money for every search to disaster areas and stuff here is a quote

We donate 1 cent of a US dollar to non-profit organizations doing relief work in current disaster locations for every visit we receive

. So search for a good cause!

In other news my mom is in town. SHe just left to go bird watching and now I have my apartment back to my own again. They got in really late last night after thier flight was delayed form JFK.

Its weird having her here. Tomorrow we are going to sight see. Not exactly sure what we are doing yet. SHe is getting her hair cut and colored at my work tonight.

After she heads back to NY is when the real fun begins. I call the bankruptcy attorney. I didnt want to have any of that paperwork sitting about the house while shes here. Ya know how moms are.

In other news I got named hash happy hour coordinator. SO I have to come up with a happy hour location every week. I dont have to personally go to happy hour every week. But its good to get out and meet new people.

Oh yea. It took a whopping hour from when she woke up to ask me if I'm dating anyone.


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Now playing: Luscious Jackson - Angel
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love and hatred

(this is copy pasted from a message board i post on regularly, sometimes the words come out and I cant help where they wind up, but i feel like they belong here too, just for posterity or shit sake ya know)

I'm in a weird fuckin mood tonight. Perhaps its lonelyness. But I dont know. Its one of those. I just want to crawl in a hole and never come out. I know its just a weird moody thing and tomorrow will be puppies and rainbows. But tonight. Hell this entire weekend. What a fuckin waste. I got barely any sewing done. I did run a lot. ANd tomorrow I will get up and run some more. TOnight. I will just keep fuckin up my diet.

maybe its cause I figured its been years since I had any meaningful sex. Yea. With the ex. Its been that long. Not to say I havent had sex in that amount of time, I have, twice, both were a completly waste of time and energy. The last time was in july. Before that march. Before that... when i was "married".

I was hoping.. not that I was expecting mind you, hoping that something would develop between me and date guy. We fooled around, no sex however and thats all thats been on my mind recently. My gosh if he would knock on my door right now I'd rip him to shreds (in a sexual way that is). ya know that question in the purity test about having sex til both partners run dry.. yea.. thats what I want.

New years eve, i got massaged by one of my coworkers(a male coworker), it felt like the first time I've been touched in years. Although I had just seen date guy a few days previously. Sure it was a massage, but damn. It was good. I didnt even care when the sheet covering my bottom slipped a little. hell I've been to burning man I've been seen naked by well almost all my friends. naked doesnt bother me. But it was just nice to lay there and be touched. I felt good, it felt good. I was in some sort of touched euphoria and even when he moved my uberly sore muscles out of their tightened states and I winced in pain I still felt better than I had in a while.

So... date guy. I'm not gonna call him. I'm going to hope he calls and helps me hang that print thats been sitting behind my dining room table for months. Then I'll rip his jeans off him... ANd more than likely never hear from him again. Maybe I'd see him at a burning man party he is a space virgin and well they.. have their own reputation.

Getting that email from my old college buddy thru me for a loop as well, I had to go looking for pics of us together.. HAD to.. why maybe to punish myself. But one of the places I had a pic of us together was at my wedding. I looked thru my wedding photos. I felt weird looking at them, some of it was like damn I was a chunkmeister in them. ANd in some ways it just didnt seem like "me" in them.

Speaking of chunkmeister, every one at work has been asking to see pics of me when I was at my heaviest. (220+ pounds, yea for a 5'3" girl, i was as big as that blueberry girl in the willy wonka movie) The only pics I have of me is ones with my ex. I dug thru my photo albums yesterday to find em... I have so many pics of him. Its insane. SOme bad photos of him, some good, some really good. But photos none the less. But not any or many of me during that time. Which i guess is a good thing. It wasnt a pretty sight.

At New Years eve party, they had a big poster wall where one could write their goals or wishes for the new year.. all I wrote was that I hoped for a boyfriend. Not that I think I "need" one to be complete or anything like that. I would just like to have a connection again.

(end copy)

Its 11:25 on saturday night. I went running today with the hashers. I had fun but just wasnt in to it as much as I normally would be when I go hashing. Something was off about this entire weekend. But I'm glad I got out and had some fun. I'm also glad I have all the makings for a tasty white russian. I looked at craigslist tonight for I dont know. I'm a little desperate for touch right now. But its kind of like hunger. I was telling some folks at work that the other night about that quote from the simpsons.. about being so hungry one could even eat at arbys. If craigslist=arbys as far as touch is concerned.. and some ways its even worse than arbys. Then I'm not that hungry.. yet.

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