Kicking Sand
January. Months have gone by.
I've thought about writing in here, but just didnt know what to say. Nothing has changed.
Still permanently single.
Still chunky
Still in debt.
Still in a messy apartment (whose rent just went up 70$)
Still at the day spa.
Still lonely
Still hashing on occasion
I've figured a few things out. I figured out that I'm afraid to try new things or to even try old things I used to enjoy, because i'm afraid of failure. I've failed at so many things in my life.
Like for example I've had a Vogue pattern sitting on my desk now for oh about 3 weeks now. It would be a great dress for burning man. But I havent even gone to the fabric store to even consider fabric options. Its like I'm afraid to start, cause i know I'd fuck it up.
I know i've made some great stuff in the past. But some how in the past few months, something changed. I used to sew and sew alot. It gave me some sense of accomplishment.
Photography. I still have film in my camera from burning man. AUgust. I just dont have it in me anymore. Cause I know if I try to take a good picture its just going to suck. Or wont be good enough to show anyone.
I really thought for a good long while about going to fashion design school. I told some coworkers about and they are like.. its very cut throat and hard to get into and thats not who you are.
Same when I told people I wanted to go to bartending school. Someone told me that I wouldnt be good at it. SO I didnt even try cause they are right.
I'm scared. I'm totally still stuck.I'm still living in the fear of failure that my father instilled in me. He told me that I wouldnt amount to anything. And I guess he was right as well. Daddy knows best after all, right.
I want a new job. I want a job that I will love. I want a career that I would be happy with for years. I dont want to be scared anymore. I want to get out and try. But I'm so scared to fail.
Well I'm going to try to write in this more often. Maybe it will help me get over somethings that I've been having issues with. Cant afford therapy, so this is going to have to be the next best thing.
Oh in other news. I have a date on tuesday night after work. I'm not excited about it. I'm only going on it, because its the first time I'm going out with someone other than my ex in months.
I've started going to the gym more often. Getting a good routine in the morning and sometimes running at night as well. Still havent lost any weight. Still right around 148-150. Bleh. I'm gonna look like a fat cow at critical massive. And all the little hotties thin chicks running around in their barely there costumes. I'll just wear my tent.
But other all that negativity above. Oddly enough. I'm pretty damn happy. I really dont know how or why. But I am. I'm happy I'm alive, I'm happy that i'm running. I'm happy that I have friends. And much more.
----------------
Now playing: Luscious Jackson - Why Do I Lie?
via FoxyTunes
I've thought about writing in here, but just didnt know what to say. Nothing has changed.
Still permanently single.
Still chunky
Still in debt.
Still in a messy apartment (whose rent just went up 70$)
Still at the day spa.
Still lonely
Still hashing on occasion
I've figured a few things out. I figured out that I'm afraid to try new things or to even try old things I used to enjoy, because i'm afraid of failure. I've failed at so many things in my life.
Like for example I've had a Vogue pattern sitting on my desk now for oh about 3 weeks now. It would be a great dress for burning man. But I havent even gone to the fabric store to even consider fabric options. Its like I'm afraid to start, cause i know I'd fuck it up.
I know i've made some great stuff in the past. But some how in the past few months, something changed. I used to sew and sew alot. It gave me some sense of accomplishment.
Photography. I still have film in my camera from burning man. AUgust. I just dont have it in me anymore. Cause I know if I try to take a good picture its just going to suck. Or wont be good enough to show anyone.
I really thought for a good long while about going to fashion design school. I told some coworkers about and they are like.. its very cut throat and hard to get into and thats not who you are.
Same when I told people I wanted to go to bartending school. Someone told me that I wouldnt be good at it. SO I didnt even try cause they are right.
I'm scared. I'm totally still stuck.I'm still living in the fear of failure that my father instilled in me. He told me that I wouldnt amount to anything. And I guess he was right as well. Daddy knows best after all, right.
I want a new job. I want a job that I will love. I want a career that I would be happy with for years. I dont want to be scared anymore. I want to get out and try. But I'm so scared to fail.
Well I'm going to try to write in this more often. Maybe it will help me get over somethings that I've been having issues with. Cant afford therapy, so this is going to have to be the next best thing.
Oh in other news. I have a date on tuesday night after work. I'm not excited about it. I'm only going on it, because its the first time I'm going out with someone other than my ex in months.
I've started going to the gym more often. Getting a good routine in the morning and sometimes running at night as well. Still havent lost any weight. Still right around 148-150. Bleh. I'm gonna look like a fat cow at critical massive. And all the little hotties thin chicks running around in their barely there costumes. I'll just wear my tent.
But other all that negativity above. Oddly enough. I'm pretty damn happy. I really dont know how or why. But I am. I'm happy I'm alive, I'm happy that i'm running. I'm happy that I have friends. And much more.
----------------
Now playing: Luscious Jackson - Why Do I Lie?
via FoxyTunes
posted by B at 9:44 AM
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