Steady as We Go

I get to see some of my good friends in 8 days. That makes me just giddy.
My dress currently looks like shit. That however doesnt make me giddy.
Went to the gym twice for two really good workouts. That makes me giddy.
Ate almost an entire loaf of french bread, a decent helping of pudding and a little jello. Yea, not giddy.
A friend is in town that I never thought I would see again. Giddy.
That is only if I (and he)can get a ride to the hash in burien. Neutral giddy
Did I mention my dress is currently looking quite shitty? Not giddy.
I'm thinking if I tear it up or add shit to it it would look more theme apropos. Giddy!
I have a workout plan that will hopefully get my fat issue stabilized or reversed. Giddy!
It would require 3 trips to the gym per day. Not to mention walks around the neighborhood. Meh.

I get to see my friends soon. That keeps me smiling.

Paranoid Android

Well at least i learned 1 day in advance that I've gotten to big to fit into my halloween costume that i've been planning to wear for weeks.

Fuck.
FUCK.

I seriously need to get control of my willpower. I seriously need help here. I also need a machete to cut my belly off. Maybe I should start purging or taking meth or something. I've heard that helps with dieting (i'm kidding btw)

I cant even zip the damn thing. I'm too big everywhere. It fit me only a couple months ago. Lets see.. end of august.. that little camping trip. I figure I'm about 10-15 pounds bigger than i was at the end of the thing in the desert.

I'm now going to cry my fat self to sleep. Tomorrow is another day to try to do better with my eating, cause i completely porked it out today.

Sir Duke

Today was my first day of bartending school. I watched an epically boring video about You, Alcohol and the Law. As required by the state of washington. Learned all about checking id's, BAC's and liabilities.

That was fun. Tomorrow is Products. I think we are going over everything that resides behind the bar and their purpose. Next week, I start learning drink recipes. WOO!

In other news. Still no job. Knee is feeling better (most of the time) and in general I still feel optimistic about my goings on.

My weight is becoming a problem however. That and my lack of willpower over food. A friend suggested I try jello as a lower calorie alternative. So when I was at safeway picking up some necessary supplies. I saw that boxes of jello were on sale. I bought a couple. Made one today. THe big box. That has 8 servings. 1/2 is gone. ALso a good portion of the lite whipped cream I got is gone as well. SO I told myself, just one more bowl of jello and thats it. Your done eating for the night. I said it aloud too. To reassure myself, Turned the light off in the kitchen signaling that the kitchen is closed. Well. THen I decided to I dont know.. make dessert for myself. Yep. Whipped up a single serving of some peanut butter pie. And ate half of it. Nothing is fuckin safe with me. I have no control anymore. I used to be so good. I sit here with this belly hardly fitting in my jeans and I tell myself its got to stop. I know that every time I open my fridge i'm in danger.

Where did my will power go. I havent worked on the dress either. I havent put new stuff up on ebay. I have my good days and bad days. Today was a mostly bad day, sometimes life brings me so down. ANd other days its so damn awesome. I look forward to my class tomorrow and the prospect of learning a new skill. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better eating day too.

Riding the Waves

Day whatever.

Not a very productive day by any means. Worked on the dress a bit. Skirts done, bodice is done, I just gotta get the two of them together and then... *insert dramatic music here* put the zipper in. I fuckin hate zippers.

Cooked some good eats tonight. Marinated top round roast with homemade dinner rolls, broccoli and brown rice. I think i'm getting a hand of this cooking thing. Its fun. And since i have some time on my hands. I can try cooking more often than when I was working at the spa.

Tomorrow I have a meeting with one of the local bartending schools. That should be an interesting adventure.

I also had a couple beers tonight and box colored my hair. I haven't box colored my hair in well over 2 years. But since the spa decided to lay me off 1 week before i was going to get my roots redone. I figured, eh time to go back to my uh.. roots sort to speak.

Knee is feeling better today. On the suggestion from a good friend, I'm going to do some more research into finding out if I can get help with it anywhere. Thats tomorrows fun after the bartending school thing.

I also figured out a couple other things. I talk to myself. I talk to myself ALOT , but more so recently since I stopped posting on a message board of which I have been a member for 6+ years. No one from said message board has emailed me, not that I expect them too. But.. eh. I would of thought someone would of wrote to me at some point in the past few weeks, ya know.. ask how I was doing. I'm currently in no mood to rejoin the board.

I cant keep anything clean in this apartment. I'm really going to have to work at that. I swear this living room looked better than this just a few days ago. And my desk. Already piles are growing.

Tomorrow I will also go to the gym again. Do the exercises that don't involve my knee and hopefully work on this chunk issue.

I've also posted on my dating site profile that I'm taking a dating break. (that's mostly til I actually can fit in to my cute jeans again)

But all in all. Not a bad day, and tomorrow looks to be really cool.

----------------
Now playing: Blues_Traveler - Freedom
via FoxyTunes

Jacob's Ladder

So went to happy hour last night. I figured I could do one "fun" thing and I had my budget and I stuck too it. And it was fun.. to a point.

Towards the end of my evening, a fellow runner told this joke. I didnt find it funny. Then some other words were exchanged and i just left crying. It was such a tough week and I know the comments they made towards me were all in fun and I shouldnt take things as personal as I do. But I was just so tired from this week and so strung out. I cried and left. My friend said hey, come on. It was a joke, blah blah blah. We all love you etc. I just couldnt do it, I couldnt hear it. I said I just want to go home. And i did.

Unfortunately on my way home. I tweaked my mostly improved knee. ANd now its suckage again. I am back to not having full range of motion again. And it feels like it needs to pop. But fuck if i want to try to pop it cause I know the pain is gonna be intense. Maybe I should grab a belt bite down and just flex it out straight again. And it doesnt hurt unless it bends too far.

Did mail some of my ebay stuff off, so thats a good thing. And I just got a $50 check from my Big Fish games sales. (That link over there says games I like to play) seems someone actually bought some games thru that link. So gooooo ME! That will get me some groceries.

Today. Work on my dress, Maybe nap. This evening? Probably watch stargate or battlestar. As I spent my fun money last night. There is a costume hash today, but there is no way I could afford it. Thats the choice i had to make. And i'm good with it.

Ground Hog's Day

Day 2

Well today was challenging to say the least. The white ribbon almost bit the dust at about 12:30 or so.

So here I am scanning craiglist for jobs to apply to. See this one receptionist: 17/hr. I'm like fuck yea. I'll send a resume to that one.
Quickly get an email back from the company, saying to go to this website to fill out an application there. Ok, they set up some sort of filter, every time someone sends in an email, send them this form letter with the link and the information. OK, fair enough. Seems good so far.

So I go to the link, and it seemed a bit odd. I type in my information but I dont hit send. I do a google search on the websites title for something simple like the name of the company. Nothing. Do a google search on, the name of the person who responded to my email. Nothing. (which i know isnt that rare). OK now my interest is peaked.. Do a whois search on the website address. Find some interesting information, like the phone number listed is a known spammer/telemarketers and various other not niceties about the company. So yep. I sent my complete resume with phone number and address to a known spammer. Lovely.

I then get a message from Glenn, my ex. Saying, that on his unlisted and voip number and his cell number, that a Mr. SO and SO called me asking for me to call him back. Weird right? Oh yea it gets better. Mr. SO and SO, also calls another friend of mine with the same thing. Have, me call him back at such number. Mr. So and So works at a very aggressive and very lets just say mean, collections agency. Seems someone wants that 24k dollars that I owe. Yep... more lovely.

Thats when I just started breaking down. Head-desk. And i just shook. Not from tears or anything. But just the pure intensity of having two very serious things happen in the space of an hour.

Did get some work done on my dress. Did go to the gym, met with a trainer even. She gave me some good options for me to do while my knee heals. Now if only we had Obama's health care plan I could actually afford to get it checked out.
I even cooked dinner tonight, in the slow cooker even. Pork loin chops with brocoli and stuffing. It sounds weird, but wound up quite good.

Some other good news. A friend bought me a ticket for Seacompression. And my ebay sales are still going well. And on saturday at safeway there is going to be 3# of bacon on sale for 5$. WOO!

----------------
Now playing: Mekons - Brutal
via FoxyTunes

Forget about Heaven

Day 1.
I didnt get on the scale. I sent out 2 resumes. I contacted a bankruptcy attorney. I sent an email to a bartending school, inquiring about enrollment. I went to the gym, Twice. I drank lots of water. I cut out a dress. I cleaned my toilet bowl. I mailed a package. I put two items up for sale on ebay. I ate better. Mostly.

I also tied my liquor shelf closed. With a pretty white ribbon even.

I said to friends, after burning man this year is when everything is going to change. It certainly did. I lost my job. I gained a lot of weight.

I had all these plans, after burning man to make my life better. Somehow, I thought that that having said job I was going to be able to make the necessary changes in my life to make it "Better".

Now without the job. My life has certainly changed. Better? That has yet to be determined. Oddly enough I'm not freaked out (to much). Am I concerned about the future. Of course. Am I worried about money. Yep. But some how I still feel at peace. I still feel hopeful about my life. I still feel that it will get better. That this job loss, is just a minor set back.

I remember running on the treadmill (before my knee injury) that I now have every possible opportunity in the world to do what ever I want to do with my life. That inspired me. For a moment. I then pondered. What do I want to do with my life. Everyone always says, do what you love. Do something that interests you. I have a variety of interests. But do I love any of them? Unfortunately that answer is no. There is no one thing that I love doing above any other. I enjoy sewing. Do I love it? No. I enjoy reading. Do I love it? No. I also enjoy, sitting on my ass and watching sci-fi on my computer all day. Do i love it? No.

Now don't get me wrong. I have some moments. When something just all comes together while sewing that just gets me down right giddy. Same with book reading, and sci-fi watching.

The question is still there for me. And the possibilities are endless. I CAN do what ever I want with my life right now. And I will. Once I give some things a try.

Tomorrow is a whole new day of that long road. How far will I get.


----------------
Now playing: Temple Of The Dog - All Night Thing
via FoxyTunes

Closer to the heart

Yes I know this is my first blog post in months. But its going to be a good one I promise.

I have a problem.
ANd thats closer to the heart than anything.
I'm 36 years old. I have no desire for anything in my life.
I'm 36 years old and I have no goals in my life other than to be thinner than I am now. (which I was at one point and fucked that up, but in honesty the only reason why i was thinner then is cause I wasnt eating cause my husband kicked me out of the home not only to sleep with someone else, but because I was bringing him down.)

I also have a chocolate issue. As I was standing in the kitchen tonight, mixing up my "crack" of sour cream, cocoa powder and powdered sugar, its tiny little bowl. I was like Oh my gosh I really have a problem.

No it wasnt that the fact(ok it was part of it) that my size 10-12 pants werent fitting anymore. That I was getting winded on the lowest setting of the exercise bike. But I was getting to big for my frame.

I kept thinking. Oh well I have reasons for eating the way I do.. I lost my job, I have a knee injury, I'm not dating anyone. So forth and so on. I kept thinking due to such and such reasons, it doesn't matter if I eat an entire block of cheese or what ever happens to be in front of me at the time.

I think today/tonight was my breaking point. I knew it was going to happen at some point. That point that I know I have no money to go out anymore so I'm eating what ever I can in my apartment and I really have no reason to leave my apartment at all.

I have to be honest. My fat is making my uncomfortable. I was all happy in my kitchen for a moment, a friend i was IM'ng with was mentioning taco bell, (which I of course turned down) instead I grabbed the block of cheese out of my fridge instead... but for that brief moment of success of turning down said friend for a free crunch wrap supreme, I jumped for joy in my kitchen. I heard my belly fat smack together. ANd I'm not a big girl (162 pounds right now) I just have a big belly, its where I gain my weight. Whats the sound of one girl NOT clapping.

So many things. I sit here, all alone for 90% of my day. Refreshing, facebook and the dating site that i'm on, in the hopes that there is a message to me. Thats besides job hunting and random exercises here at home.

I long for a life. A career. Something that a 36 year old woman should have at this point. Not an almost middle age woman searching for an almost minimum wage receptionist job. This is sad.

There has to be more to life than this. Pardon me, but I have to research about selling dirty underwear.