Give My Love to Rose

I figured out something last night. I was laying in bed awake at 2:30 ish in them morning. I had gone to bed slightly buzzed from the hash at around 10:30pm. Anyway. I'm in a life rut. Serious life rut.

I do nothing new EVER. Sure I found hashign almost 2 years ago. That was fun and new. Not to say that I will stop hashing. I wont. But Nothing. I havent done anything new in almost 2 years.

I eat pretty much the same thigns all the time. I have been trying some new foods.
I work out.
I look for the same type of jobs.
I do the same things when i'm bored.

My house has been in a disarry for oh forever. For a while I was getting rid of stuff and that was good and healthy. But I didnt get rid of nearly enough. I still feel cramped and crowded. My mind is also cramped and crowded. And I think its the blockages and crap in my head thats keeping me from even trying somethign new.

Also about 2 years ago I bought paints from a local art store. They are still in the package. Cause I looked at them and I actually pondered for a moment. What do I paint. It was like I needed someone to tell me. "Paint this" in order to put something to paper. I was also scared that anything I did wouldnt be "good enough". Good enough for what or who, I wonder.

I've been alone now (also a rut) for 3 years? I very sporadically date. Right now I have taken myself out of the dating "pool" to get my weight back in check and also get a job.

But this life rut, I want to do something new. Just dont know what. I guess I should start by cleaning the apartment. Then maybe that will help with cleaning the mind.

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Now playing: Johnny Cash - Cocaine Blues
via FoxyTunes

Into The Mystic

OH man did I wake up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.
Its the day after "that holiday". On one message board that I was reading last night when i got home, this person was calling people who dont like christmas carols and the rest of the holiday ilk as sad and she felt pity for them. Which I obviously responded to it. She then goes on to say well I dont mean to criticize, but... then goes on to criticize some more.

I broke my phone last night. Not really sure how. I've dropped this damn thing a hundred times before. Last night i was sitting on a very low couch and it slipped out of my pocket. Maybe a 1-2 foot fall on to a hard wood floor. ANd well lets just say there is some weird wirey thing thats visible now.

Still no luck on the job thing. I interviewed last friday and busted my ass to get there. The manager guy said he would call on monday no matter what. I got no call.

I'm getting really down again. Its been almost 3 months of unemployment. That was the 2nd interview I have gotten.

In other news my weight loss is going well. I've lost 9 pounds so far.

After I shake off a little bit more of this hangover, I'm heading to the gym.

There was more I wanted to say but.. brain is fuzzy.

spOOL

I'm stressed. Tomorrow I have an interview. So I decided to get my interview clothes together tonight. I reached for a pair of dress pants. Size 12. Oh yea those will fit. Nope. Very tight. I was panicked. I dug through my whole closet. Nothing. I'm like SHIT. I'm so fucked. INTERVIEW at 10 am tomorrow and I have to get on a 8something in the morning bus.. one to be sure I wont be late. The busses have been running so crazy the past few days due to the snow here. I have to make sure I'm there on time. This is the first interview i've got in months.

I thought. What about that huge box of clothes I want to bring to a donation box. THere has got to be a BIGGER pair of pants in there. Thankfully there was. As I cringed and slid the size 14 pair of slacks on. Size 14! GAH!

I've been so hard core at the gym the past few weeks. Putting in 2-3 hours per day EVERY DAY. My eating has vastly improved as well. I record everything now on a site called sparkpeople. Its working as I have already lost 7.2 pounds. I know it wasnt going to come off in an instant and I'm probably even ahead of the game. Still Being this chunky is killing me.

After the interview I'm just going to stay in the frigid downtown area and walk around window shop. Figure thats the only way to get some exercise in before happy hour with the running group.. Then saturday is santarchy! ANother big blow to the diet.. but I will try to be good.

(odd someone upstairs is vacuuming at 9:30 at night)

GOod happy interview thoughts. I so want to work again. Although the 2-3 hours of the gym has been quite entertaining. It would be nice to be off unemployment. Gonna head to bed soon. Its oddly warm in the bedroom. The heater in there is weird. I havent turned it on yet the heat still comes on. I think something must be busted somewhere. I keep the living room between 54-58 degrees. Chilly yes, but I like it this way. Happy thoughts happy thoughts happy thoughts.

Big Time

you've been on this side for a while...there are twice as many boys as there are girls on here, and you are still single?!

is there something wrong with you? it must be your pictures.

That was sent to me via an email on one of the dating sites that i'm on. I wrote him back asking if he was being mean or helpful. No response. So more than likely he was being mean.

I had good workouts today and tomorrow I weigh. Hopefully it will show a loss. I worked out for almost 2 hours today and ate pretty damn good as far as intake of calories goes. I am looking forward to being able to see a physical change.

Its cold in the apartment, mostly cause I have the heat off. Its approx 54 degrees in here. Outside is around 30. I dont mind the cold really. My toes start going a bit numb however, but a pair of socks handles that problem. It snowed here last night. However It made for a great artwalk last night.. wandering about in the snow fall.

Another 2 hours at the gym again tomorrow and same for the next who knows.. until i see a change.

Finished a good book yesterday. Its part of a series The Codex Alera. Its a sci fi/fantasy. By jim butcher. Good stuff.

My dinner was good too.. some weird beef, sour cream pasta thing. Had my one serving and put it away.

I was invited to a party tonight, I didnt go. It was up on capitol hill and I figure its 30 something degrees out there and busses are so infrequent on sundays and I didnt want to be stuck at a bus stop for 20-30 minutes in this weather.

Still jobless. Still hard at work looking for work. I hope to find something soon. I think in janurary i'm going to give temping a try maybe they can find a nice temp to perm position.

I feel a bit better right now as far as my last blog post. Momentary lapse of reason or something.

Old Shit/New Shit

Much like the title of this post I am tired of the old shit. I am tired TIRED T.I.R.E.D. Of being alone. I'm tired of the "are you dating anyone" with my usual response. Nope and havent for oh like forever. Dating? WTF is that? I went on a date like months ago.. but it wasnt "dating" it was a date or two. I cant even comprehend what Dating plural would be like at this point.

I'm so tired of shit old shit. I want to date. I also want to be thin.Which I'm working on quite diligently. Cept for tonights artwalk. But Every day I'm at the gym burning 100's of calories for 2-3 hours a pop.

I;ve lost 6+ pounds from my HULKing 172 pounds of where I started at, this time. My goal (first goal anyway)is 130. I'm making progress.

Is one of those weird things. I want to date..I want to kiss and hold and make out.. I want someone to see my transformation from chunky to not as chunky and still find me pretty. I want love. Its been too long. Its like that thing that only other people get to think of as a possibily at this point. I've gotten to the point that I cant even consider of ever finding love again. It just seems even out of my realm of comprehension at this point.

I saw a girl friend tonight. SHe has a guy that she "see's" on a regular basis." I wonder why I cant even get that.

I need new shit.

My normal "thought" is that I will be alone forever. I'm 99% have given up hope of actually finding love again.