Happiness writes white

Well, here I am again.

Alone.
Wow. Alone. 7 years have happened since I've blogged here. In that time. SO much has happened. SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED. Yes it required all caps.

Peter happened.

I'm really not even sure where to start. We met under interesting circumstances. Got intimate. Got more intimate. Fell in love. Fell more in love. Got engaged. Got "married". He gave up on himself, me, his job, our love, everything. I kept working, supporting the two of us for many years. I lived with the mood swings. I lived with the walking on eggshells daily. I lived mostly.
I was terrified, of coming home after working all day, as I didnt know what I would come home to. Would I come home to a person who would greet me with a smile or would I be yelled at if I offered assistance with dinner.
I started hanging out at the local grocery store til it was "time" to go home, as getting home early was unacceptable (and would cause him frustration). I started drinking, well not exactly starting. I drank. I was regularly going through bottles of wine per night as to dull pain of everything really.
There'd be some nights that I'd get home and Id either eat dinner alone or practically alone, as he would storm upstairs upset at himself over something. Then I'm left with the guilt, was it me? Did I do something wrong? Did I upset him? Should I apologize? But, that was almost status quo. Saying anything would have him running upstairs to the bedroom where he would hide for hours or days, not eating. Until either he go so hungry or I apologized (and sometimes I was apologizing and I didnt know what for)
Anyway.. I'll get more into the various methods of pain that I was put in during my NEW round of blogging. But, now. I'm alone. And its weird. and I dont like it. I miss him. And I know that's weird. or at least I think its weird. Here is a guy who put me through all sorts of pain, so many days of tears, so many nights of insomnia, so many everythings, but.. there it is. I miss him. I still love him.

This hurts really bad. I never thought I would be someone who would be abused? Or miss their partner who while had some (ok a bunch) of not very nice qualities, had made me very happy at times. I miss that person.
I'm not sure if this blog thing is even going to work, when I hit save, so all of this could be lost. But I'm glad I've written it down. I do love him still, and I wonder, if that's going to stop. I doubt it.