love and hatred
(this is copy pasted from a message board i post on regularly, sometimes the words come out and I cant help where they wind up, but i feel like they belong here too, just for posterity or shit sake ya know)
I'm in a weird fuckin mood tonight. Perhaps its lonelyness. But I dont know. Its one of those. I just want to crawl in a hole and never come out. I know its just a weird moody thing and tomorrow will be puppies and rainbows. But tonight. Hell this entire weekend. What a fuckin waste. I got barely any sewing done. I did run a lot. ANd tomorrow I will get up and run some more. TOnight. I will just keep fuckin up my diet.
maybe its cause I figured its been years since I had any meaningful sex. Yea. With the ex. Its been that long. Not to say I havent had sex in that amount of time, I have, twice, both were a completly waste of time and energy. The last time was in july. Before that march. Before that... when i was "married".
I was hoping.. not that I was expecting mind you, hoping that something would develop between me and date guy. We fooled around, no sex however and thats all thats been on my mind recently. My gosh if he would knock on my door right now I'd rip him to shreds (in a sexual way that is). ya know that question in the purity test about having sex til both partners run dry.. yea.. thats what I want.
New years eve, i got massaged by one of my coworkers(a male coworker), it felt like the first time I've been touched in years. Although I had just seen date guy a few days previously. Sure it was a massage, but damn. It was good. I didnt even care when the sheet covering my bottom slipped a little. hell I've been to burning man I've been seen naked by well almost all my friends. naked doesnt bother me. But it was just nice to lay there and be touched. I felt good, it felt good. I was in some sort of touched euphoria and even when he moved my uberly sore muscles out of their tightened states and I winced in pain I still felt better than I had in a while.
So... date guy. I'm not gonna call him. I'm going to hope he calls and helps me hang that print thats been sitting behind my dining room table for months. Then I'll rip his jeans off him... ANd more than likely never hear from him again. Maybe I'd see him at a burning man party he is a space virgin and well they.. have their own reputation.
Getting that email from my old college buddy thru me for a loop as well, I had to go looking for pics of us together.. HAD to.. why maybe to punish myself. But one of the places I had a pic of us together was at my wedding. I looked thru my wedding photos. I felt weird looking at them, some of it was like damn I was a chunkmeister in them. ANd in some ways it just didnt seem like "me" in them.
Speaking of chunkmeister, every one at work has been asking to see pics of me when I was at my heaviest. (220+ pounds, yea for a 5'3" girl, i was as big as that blueberry girl in the willy wonka movie) The only pics I have of me is ones with my ex. I dug thru my photo albums yesterday to find em... I have so many pics of him. Its insane. SOme bad photos of him, some good, some really good. But photos none the less. But not any or many of me during that time. Which i guess is a good thing. It wasnt a pretty sight.
At New Years eve party, they had a big poster wall where one could write their goals or wishes for the new year.. all I wrote was that I hoped for a boyfriend. Not that I think I "need" one to be complete or anything like that. I would just like to have a connection again.
(end copy)
Its 11:25 on saturday night. I went running today with the hashers. I had fun but just wasnt in to it as much as I normally would be when I go hashing. Something was off about this entire weekend. But I'm glad I got out and had some fun. I'm also glad I have all the makings for a tasty white russian. I looked at craigslist tonight for I dont know. I'm a little desperate for touch right now. But its kind of like hunger. I was telling some folks at work that the other night about that quote from the simpsons.. about being so hungry one could even eat at arbys. If craigslist=arbys as far as touch is concerned.. and some ways its even worse than arbys. Then I'm not that hungry.. yet.
----------------
Now playing: The Smiths - This Charming Man
via FoxyTunes
I'm in a weird fuckin mood tonight. Perhaps its lonelyness. But I dont know. Its one of those. I just want to crawl in a hole and never come out. I know its just a weird moody thing and tomorrow will be puppies and rainbows. But tonight. Hell this entire weekend. What a fuckin waste. I got barely any sewing done. I did run a lot. ANd tomorrow I will get up and run some more. TOnight. I will just keep fuckin up my diet.
maybe its cause I figured its been years since I had any meaningful sex. Yea. With the ex. Its been that long. Not to say I havent had sex in that amount of time, I have, twice, both were a completly waste of time and energy. The last time was in july. Before that march. Before that... when i was "married".
I was hoping.. not that I was expecting mind you, hoping that something would develop between me and date guy. We fooled around, no sex however and thats all thats been on my mind recently. My gosh if he would knock on my door right now I'd rip him to shreds (in a sexual way that is). ya know that question in the purity test about having sex til both partners run dry.. yea.. thats what I want.
New years eve, i got massaged by one of my coworkers(a male coworker), it felt like the first time I've been touched in years. Although I had just seen date guy a few days previously. Sure it was a massage, but damn. It was good. I didnt even care when the sheet covering my bottom slipped a little. hell I've been to burning man I've been seen naked by well almost all my friends. naked doesnt bother me. But it was just nice to lay there and be touched. I felt good, it felt good. I was in some sort of touched euphoria and even when he moved my uberly sore muscles out of their tightened states and I winced in pain I still felt better than I had in a while.
So... date guy. I'm not gonna call him. I'm going to hope he calls and helps me hang that print thats been sitting behind my dining room table for months. Then I'll rip his jeans off him... ANd more than likely never hear from him again. Maybe I'd see him at a burning man party he is a space virgin and well they.. have their own reputation.
Getting that email from my old college buddy thru me for a loop as well, I had to go looking for pics of us together.. HAD to.. why maybe to punish myself. But one of the places I had a pic of us together was at my wedding. I looked thru my wedding photos. I felt weird looking at them, some of it was like damn I was a chunkmeister in them. ANd in some ways it just didnt seem like "me" in them.
Speaking of chunkmeister, every one at work has been asking to see pics of me when I was at my heaviest. (220+ pounds, yea for a 5'3" girl, i was as big as that blueberry girl in the willy wonka movie) The only pics I have of me is ones with my ex. I dug thru my photo albums yesterday to find em... I have so many pics of him. Its insane. SOme bad photos of him, some good, some really good. But photos none the less. But not any or many of me during that time. Which i guess is a good thing. It wasnt a pretty sight.
At New Years eve party, they had a big poster wall where one could write their goals or wishes for the new year.. all I wrote was that I hoped for a boyfriend. Not that I think I "need" one to be complete or anything like that. I would just like to have a connection again.
(end copy)
Its 11:25 on saturday night. I went running today with the hashers. I had fun but just wasnt in to it as much as I normally would be when I go hashing. Something was off about this entire weekend. But I'm glad I got out and had some fun. I'm also glad I have all the makings for a tasty white russian. I looked at craigslist tonight for I dont know. I'm a little desperate for touch right now. But its kind of like hunger. I was telling some folks at work that the other night about that quote from the simpsons.. about being so hungry one could even eat at arbys. If craigslist=arbys as far as touch is concerned.. and some ways its even worse than arbys. Then I'm not that hungry.. yet.
----------------
Now playing: The Smiths - This Charming Man
via FoxyTunes
posted by B at 11:23 PM
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