Dweller on the Threshold

I'm not writing as much in my blog during this time. I'm really not sure why. Maybe cause I haven't told anyone that I'm writing my blog. And that if I know that no one is going to read it. Does it matter that I write it down.
People reguarly ask me if we're getting a divorce. I just say yes, because in some way I dont want to tell them the real answer. We were just married "for fun". It was real to me though. In my heart I'm still married to him.
I still love him.
I feel just kind of numb to it all. Maybe its been so long since he's hurt me that I'm really not sure how to feel right now. Maybe its been so long, since I've questioned what I've said. That I've had to apologize for "something I did or said". I want to talk to him one on one so bad. But I know that that wont happen, as I "dont exist" any longer.
I dont like feeling this numb for this situation.
I still feel like there is an unanswered question out there, kind of like when you leave your house of a vacation and if you're wondering if you left a window open or left the stove on. There is this lingering unanswered THING,
I want to kiss someone.
I want to be held
I dont need sex, I'm not ready for that. I also think that I'm too fat for anyone wanting to have sex with.
Maybe that's why Peter stopped having sex with me, is cause I got fat. I got fat cause I was unhappy. His not working made me unhappy, his silent treatments made me unhappy, coming home from working all day and finding the kitchen still a disaster made me unhappy, having to sit on the floor in the middle of the kitchen cause there was no counter space left in the kitchen made me unhappy, coming home from work and finding it the same way made me unhappy, getting yelled at and then silent treatment if I did the dishes (ie loaded the dishwasher) made me unhappy. So I ate, I drank. I wanted to be numb.
I want someone to hold me hand and mean it. I want to share jokes across a table over some pints. I want someone that wants to be with me.
I'm back to being a work in progress again, I'm over 200 pounds. I was 140-150 for my wedding to peter. I've gained 65 pounds of unhappiness. I was a size 4-6. I'm now a size 18-20. I'm trying. Its tough, when you view fat as a protection mechanism. If your fat, no one will love you and you wont get hurt. You lose weight, you get pretty, you get hurt. I want love, I want the love that I see my friends have. I'm jealous of them. I feel bad for feeling jealous. But seeing their love makes me know that it exists. I thought it existed. He did, at times, make me so incredibly happy. I just never knew when those would be. I felt so right with him. He made sense to me that no other guy had. I do think that had the dark side to him wasnt there, id still be with him, job or no job.
Why do I still love him like I do?

Times of Trouble

He's got a job now.
He got it through a contracting agency.
He got it with networking (ie a friend told him about the job)
Its on the east side.

Those 4 things, he would say time and time again to me, that he could never do. Networking doesn't work, that he couldnt ever find work cause he was to old, his skills were too out of date, so forth and so on.

He went on to thank all of his friends who encouraged him in getting this new position.

Not a single thank you to the woman who supported him for 3 + years. Who made sure that the money kept coming in. That encouraged him when he felt down. That kept the money coming in. That made sacrifice after sacrifice, so we had enough money to pay rent, the bills, and still not lose our minds by occasionally getting a dinner out once in a while or a stop at a pub. Not a single thank you to the woman who kept trying her best to help. No thank you to the woman, who cried so many nights, trying to come up with the perfect words to say that would be just the right words to encourage him to try something new.

No thank you to the woman who tried to find ways to bring happiness to the household. Bringing him little presents (mostly freebies from work) but it was something to show him I cared.
No thank you to the woman who listened to hours of put downs of himself and getting yelled at when I told him wasn't true. I believed (and still do) in him. I can remember suggesting contracting work. Got yelled at, that I wasnt listening. Remember suggesting networking, got yelled at that I wasn't listening. Remember suggesting all sorts of things, again.. yelled at cause I wasn't listening to him (put himself down). I'm sorry that I'm not going to believe less in my husband. That he isn't on a pedestal. I adored him. Still do. I wanted him to reach for the stars, most days when I got home from working, he was reaching for the remote. I always saw how good he could be. Even when I felt dejected, rejected, abandoned, when the yelling turned to days of silent treatment. Until I apologized for "not listening" "not being a good communicator" "being from new york".

I still love Peter. I think about him constantly. Its hard to think about all the pain I was in for so many years. The tears ive shed. And still want him to love me. And he has no idea that he hurt me this way. That's the harshest thing.

The lies I told friends that everything was fine, when I left early from events. The tears I shed at events, when I was scared to even approach him. Scared... SCARED to approach my husband. Because I didnt want him to hear him say how worthless he was. How he hates all of our friends. That he doesn't belong. I was terrified. The yelling he would do AT himself. The slamming of doors. He wanted me to listen. I did listen. I listened to every bad thing he said about himself. I listened to every criticism, I listened to every time something went wrong. I then made the mistake of offering a suggestion, an idea. Because no idea or suggestion would ever work and therefore I wasn't listening.

But there you are, with a job, on the east side, through a contractor, with the help of a friend. All those things I suggested. But I wasn't listening, I guess. And no thanks for me. I'll be over here, alone. Still wanting him. Missing him.

I never wanted to leave him. But I had to leave him. And that's what hurts the most. I never wanted this. But living in fear is not living.

Happiness writes white

Well, here I am again.

Alone.
Wow. Alone. 7 years have happened since I've blogged here. In that time. SO much has happened. SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED. Yes it required all caps.

Peter happened.

I'm really not even sure where to start. We met under interesting circumstances. Got intimate. Got more intimate. Fell in love. Fell more in love. Got engaged. Got "married". He gave up on himself, me, his job, our love, everything. I kept working, supporting the two of us for many years. I lived with the mood swings. I lived with the walking on eggshells daily. I lived mostly.
I was terrified, of coming home after working all day, as I didnt know what I would come home to. Would I come home to a person who would greet me with a smile or would I be yelled at if I offered assistance with dinner.
I started hanging out at the local grocery store til it was "time" to go home, as getting home early was unacceptable (and would cause him frustration). I started drinking, well not exactly starting. I drank. I was regularly going through bottles of wine per night as to dull pain of everything really.
There'd be some nights that I'd get home and Id either eat dinner alone or practically alone, as he would storm upstairs upset at himself over something. Then I'm left with the guilt, was it me? Did I do something wrong? Did I upset him? Should I apologize? But, that was almost status quo. Saying anything would have him running upstairs to the bedroom where he would hide for hours or days, not eating. Until either he go so hungry or I apologized (and sometimes I was apologizing and I didnt know what for)
Anyway.. I'll get more into the various methods of pain that I was put in during my NEW round of blogging. But, now. I'm alone. And its weird. and I dont like it. I miss him. And I know that's weird. or at least I think its weird. Here is a guy who put me through all sorts of pain, so many days of tears, so many nights of insomnia, so many everythings, but.. there it is. I miss him. I still love him.

This hurts really bad. I never thought I would be someone who would be abused? Or miss their partner who while had some (ok a bunch) of not very nice qualities, had made me very happy at times. I miss that person.
I'm not sure if this blog thing is even going to work, when I hit save, so all of this could be lost. But I'm glad I've written it down. I do love him still, and I wonder, if that's going to stop. I doubt it.

What Your Soul Sings

Oh yea its been a while since I've last written. Still unemployed. Still very single. Still over weight. Ok so there nothing has changed in the past year. But yet so much has gone on.

Bryon came and went. And went oddly. I do hope that in the future we can be friends. But thats up to him. But when I got back from my trip to denver and interhash, he cut off all contact. Saying things "got weird". Whatever that means.

But thats not the reason for this post.

Something is wrong in my universe. it could be the lack of employment is finally making me crack. But I'm not sure. I have a cold today so thats not really helping my mental state either.

But something is disturbing me on a deep emotional level and I ate like nuts today. I always eat when I'm upset. But the weirdest thing is I have know idea what I'm upset about.

I wish I could figure it out. I'm running out of pants that fit.

I do miss bryon. He was/(is?) a great guy. He challenged a lot of my thinking which helped me face a lot of fears in my life. And I'm very thankful for that.

I just recently started seeing this guy named Adam. Nice guy, totally cute. Totally my type, which brings up another issues.. totally my type cept for the fact that he has 3 kids. We are going to as they call it "casually date". So we both kind of know that we arent right for each other, but its fun to hang out with the other person. I think thats what that means.

I also have a date with Brian tomorrow (yea with my cold and everything, he has been warned). And I'm going to see him sing at a show at the triple door on Friday night. That should be neat.

I think part of the issues is I miss being in a relationship. Not that when bryon and I were together it was very "relationship'y" I mean hell we only saw each other 2 times a week, if that. But I did care for him and still do. He taught me a lot. Made me think.

Blah I'm all over the map here.

I feel like I need someone in my life to challenge me. To challenge my way of thinking, The way of doing things. Sure I try to challenge myself, but some how that doesnt motivate me the way a challenge from someone else does.

I was thinking earlier. What my perfect guy would be like. One that be my complete ideal. There are so many things.. that I would like. Is that perfect guy out there? Does he really exist?

I know there is something else thats causing me grief. I dont know what it is.

Well I better try to get rest.. see if i can help this cold go away... big weekend. Lots of plans I need to be healthy for.

Pudding Time

Well its finally happened. I'm a girlfriend. Its only take what.. like 3 years. Bryon is just the sweetest guy and he treats me oh so well. I just feel so comfortable around him and I dont know. Its just awesome. Not to mention the sex.. which is also awesome.

There are probably a lot of reasons why he and I shouldnt be together. But some how it all works. I'm so deliriously happy with him and I just feel so good being in his company. I every once in a while I have to tell myself.. yes.. you are someones girlfriend now, cause at times I just cant believe it. I hope this relationship lasts for a long time.. cause he is just that awesome.

So many firsts too with him and that goes to the whole feeling completely comfortable with him. I actually fell asleep spooning with him one night.. and normally cannot sleep with anyone or anything touching me. But there i was in his arms, asleep for hours and woke up completely amazed at that fact. Its so weird..he keeps changing my life and my mood for the better. He makes me feel so good. Other parts of my life are changing too and perhaps for the better. I just see life so much differently, like my marathon coming up tomororw. Which I normally would be a nervous wreck over today. Nope. I'm so at peace with it and so like "what ever happens happens" I know I will do the best I possibly can with the training that I have accomplished. And thats ok. Did bryon help me with that? I dont know for certain. But life just seems so much more positive and happy for me now and I'm not going to question it.

He is a great guy and I am so damn happy he is in my life.