Give it Away

Life is so fucking weird.

So the way I got drunk last night was due work actually. We had a big show/party thing and afterwards we all went to the bar together.

But then the night just got a little more stupid.
But you know what, I dont regret anything I do anymore. I own up to it, accept it. And just chalk it up to living my life the way I want to live my life. My choice, my decision and all that.

So I drunk dialed glenn. I'm sure I said something about asking to come over. So I went over, I ate a burrito and watched the end of chasing amy with him.

We talked more. Then thats when it gets really weird. He starts clicking around on his laptop and up appears a picture of a woman. Name of picture. dana.jpg.
It was her.
I said, your only showing me this to hurt me more arent you. He was like no, he says to me when you see us out at the bar some night you will know who it is. Again I repeat you only showed me that to hurt me. he asks, why would showing you her picture hurt you. In my mind i'm like DUH! However I said, so yea.. now I know who to beat the crap out of in the bar.

Straight auburn hair, glasses, and thin.

I then cried, cause she looked like a perfect match for him. She looks a little geeky and so does he.

I also begged glenn just to put me out of a misery. He for obvious reasons wouldnt.
We then had sex at 4am.
We slept and I came home around 8am and went back to bed, I was sleeping just fine and was quite cosy comfy laying naked next to him, like I always have. But i figured since I was awake it would just be best.

I'm prettier and don't smoke. She's a smoker.
But in my humble honest opinion, I'm much prettier.

So where does that leave me now. It leaves me trying to find acceptance and drawing every last bit of energy that I can find the patience. Patience with myself mostly.

But its always the same nagging feeling I have, I cannot accept that this marriage is over. Some people would call it denial, but not me. Something inside of me is telling me that it isnt.

But that spam email was right..here are some highlights

Never allow men who have "someone else" in their
life to keep sharing and expressing their feelings for you.
****
It's wrong on several levels... for you most of all.
When a man can have the affection of two women, and he's in a place where he's emotionally non-committed to either, odds are he will try to keep this situation going for as long as possible!
Not all men would do this, but men who are "unavailable", as it sounds your ex is, can continue multiple initimate situations at once.

You don't want to date a man that's in this place in his life..... and I know because I've been this guy in my past! NO AMOUNT of talking, experience or reasoning with him can get him to feel the way you want him to feel.
****

And I promise that you'll ruin your chances if you think you can "convince" him to come back to you through shows of affection, appeals to his desires or other "gifts" to bribe him.

*****

In fact, I'm sure he still likes to connect with
you when things are easy-going and he's not feeling
"pressure" around you.

*****

So thats it. I have to figure out how to move on and let him be him with out my nagging, begging, pleading, crying ass around.

And in other news, I'm drowning. I'm drowning in pain, the pain of the loss of a friend, well in a sense.. two friends. Nathans gone for good, and Glenn. My nerves are shot, I'm always seconds away from another crying jag. I'm still not eating enough. Oh I can't wait for my weekend. I need some serious alone time. I'm also going to go to work one day and get a reiki done again. Hopefully she can push some of this bad energy out of me so i can start my healing.

Life is so weird.